I need to write this down before my head explodes. I am trying to keep this as short as possible.
We have been together 12 years and have 5 children. He earns a good wage ($5500 net monthly) . I earn approx $2500 monthly since we decided I work from home so we can reduce the huge daycare costs. (That was 2 years ago) We have separate bank accounts. In the start up phase he would contribute $3000 a month to our joined account so I can buy everything what’s needed and pay all bills. He isn’t very good financially and throughout the relationship I helped him pay of all his depth to a point where he was depth free a few years back. Anyhow, those days he only contributes $1300 monthly and it is putting a huge burden on me and on our relationship. When I asked he says he doesn’t have anymore. He pays maintenance and has (again) large credit card depth. I contribute $2000+ each month and it’s super hard as my income is not constant (self employment) . He just doesn’t see it, won’t change his lifestyle according to our means. I am stressed out to the max knowing I have to bring in the money plus look after the kids at the same time) . Last month we couldn’t pay the power bill! We don’t have savings anymore. I have no idea what he does with all his money. I don’t want his money for myself, but I want him to contribute as much as I do, considering he earns double. It’s like a living arrangement and not a partnership. When I approach him he completely shuts down and I feel guilty asking for money so I solder on. I feel I would be financially better of on my own with the kids :( and it is a bad thought to have.
What can I do to make him understand? Or am I being unreasonable and selfish?
PS: just a side Note, i don’t buy anything for myself (no new cloth, hairdresser or other items) the money is purely family and children. I do buy occasionally cheap items for the house but that is it.
9 Replies
You are being to nice about this. He is financially abusing you. And yes you sadly would be better off on your own with the kids.
You need to start protecting your financial future. You won’t make him understand because he can’t prioritise the families needs above his own desires. It’s not that you haven’t communicated with him, it’s that he doesn’t care.
You need to go your separate ways, because his debts will just get worse, not better and you need to protect your babies.
Why do you have separate accounts if you've been together so long? That amount of money as freedom is ridiculous.
All pays should be going into the joint account. From there, you equally get say $1000 a month which is plenty, you have a savings account you contribute $1000 into a month, bills $2000 a month and then a spending account for groceries. Any leftover either extra spending money or to savings.
I’d be doing a huge change of things. Sit down and chat with him about your financial goals as a whole, and start a whole entire new budget.
Highly suggest having a joint bank account. We’ve just done this after 7 years being together (even though we always combined our money before hand anyway) but it’s made things so much easier and quicker to pay off.
If he isn’t willing to change or set up new budgets and join bank accounts, then I feel like there is almost no point in being in a relationship with someone who isn’t fully committed at doing relationship “things”. He is just using and abusing the fact you haven’t yet put your foot down.
If you divorce, you have equal rights... So surely that's the case married? Just put everything in the joint account and be accountable to each other. Otherwise, big income difference and 5 kids? Your child support would be pretty good so yes, you would be better off alone
My husband and I never saw eye to eye with money. I was the saver, he was the spender. We both read the barefoot investor and for some reason that book got through to him. We've followed all of the steps and haven't had a fight about money since we started it. The majority of our money is joint but we also each have our own 'allowance' each month as well a savings account that neither of us can access without the other signing off
We do separate accounts too and many will bag it out because they don't understand it or it's not "traditional".
DILIGAF.
Over 20 years without arguments over money doesn't lie.
My partner is also a pain in the ass with money but with time he's getting better.
I worked out how much he needs to contribute fortnightly to pay a fair portion of the bills (I get paid more so I do pay more) and that is directly transferred to my account on a scheduled transfer. I then dole it out to the mortgage, power, rates, some insurances, gas, water etc. For us it's $300 a week which isn't a lot but we have a small cheap house and live frugally, he's responsible for his personal bills like car payments, insurance, rego etc so none of that is included. The money can sit in my accounts until he needs it without him having the access to spend it - because he would.
Work out your amount that he needs to contribute, if he can't afford it then together you sustainably reduce the bills to where he can afford the total he needs to contribute. Get rid of pay tv, cheaper phones, shop around for better internet, cheaper cars etc. Tell him the alternative is you go back to work full time to sustain the household and he pays for childcare and the cleaner.
He thinks his bad decisions give him a free ride.
So he continuously gets himself (and you) into debt and you bail him out?
Hmmm time to reconsider this relationship
Withholding money is financial abuse. Start saving for an escape. Cut back on any purchases for him
Do you see where he is spending the money?
If your going to feel guilty, deal with that and ask anyway because he obviously knows that you back off when he acts that way.
So he basically has $1000 a week to blow and bills arnt being paid?! No savings! I don’t think you can make him understand anything until he has an initiative to.