Bit of a vent...
Please don't post on FB...
I am disgusted with myself and Mr narcissist himself. I am 37 weeks pregnant and have a 9 year old son.
I am up late and have just come to the realisation that I am an idiot.
I have been obsessed with a man who has slept with 10 different women in the 11 years we have been on and off (the most recent being with a next door neighbour the same week I fell pregnant) . I have destroyed my own self, to please this man who has always only shown me he cares about himself.
The years I have financially supported him, changed my ways (the way I dress, me being with friends, the put downs that I'm toxic and crazy, the words, the actions), the cooking and cleaning while he lazes around the house and works for only months at a time and even then he keeps the majority of his money to himself.
I'm here with him, still obsessing over him even tho it makes me sick. Laying next to him. Sleeping with him. Cooking for him. Cleaning up after him. And financially supporting him.
I'm not an ugly girl, I used to be bubbly and loved socialising. And now I am a shadow of who I was.
I hate it. I hate that it's so easy for him to just disregard and disrespect me. And I allow it. I hate how easy it is for him to find someone new within days and I'm just getting by.
There are so many negative feelings, I'm at a total loss.
Today, I do not feel okay. I feel so lost and fearful. I don't want to lose him even tho my soul is screaming to let go.
He's so selfish and entitled. And I thought I was better and could deal with him better. But truth be told. I just can't. I'm so angry at myself for still taking this BS.
ššš
7 Replies
You should be proud of yourself for realising your worth again! Put yourself first. In doing so, you're putting your kids first too. Xxx
Go into hospital to have your baby and don't come home. Talk to the staff there and get them to help you and your children escape and start again. You can do it!
Stop being so hard on yourself and take some deep breathes and call someone you know will support you and help you through this. Then get professional help to break the dependency you have on him. 10 women in 11 years is outrageous and you are right you should have left. I also want to say this is only the ones you know of :-( Time to make the break and set up boundaries with him that are iron clad! No contact unless itās about the kids and give him no reaction at all. Not anger, not upset m, literally no reaction. In person just say Iām not discussing anything other than the kids because it is inappropriate given we are not together. As much as he fishes for a bite give him nothing. It will take a long time but he will eventually give up. Wish you all the best babe. Shoulda coulda woulda - past is past and what you do going forward can set you up for a happy new future with your kids.
I'd be having a chat to your hospital ASAP and get them to have your maternal health nurse involved also. They can help you get out, although, you aren't exactly in a domestic violence (physically) relationship so they might not be able to assist with heaps and heaps. But I'd be getting out ASAP. Take your baby and go elsewhere.
Well done for realising you're with a c u next tuesday of a man
Yep... i know how are you feeling. But you have not destroyed yourself. If he is a true narcissist (and for the purpose of my reply I will assume he is as that is what you have said)- he has done this to you on purpose. This was his plan all along. He has subtly (and sometimes not so subtly) emotionally and mentally abused you to break you down, make it seem like your fault, that you could be good enough if you just tried harder.
All he is doing when he finds someone new is find a new supply to make him feel like a big boy again. Its pathetic and not something you should envy. Not that that is easy.
Research, research, research narcissism and learn all you can so you can start to recognise the patterns. I did and found myself laughing at all the things he had done that I had never realised until that moment (laughed because it was better than crying- ive cried enough over this moron). Knowledge is power in this instance so start taking your power back.
You will not be able to go no contact because of the children so look into grey rock. I am currently doing selective grey rock on my narc husband (still making plans to get out safely). I have to selective grey rock to keep his rage focused on me and not change to the kids until we escape and he finds another supply. Basically I only give him an emotional response to the thing that matters the least to me. He still feels like he gets supply and has control, I don't get upset and play right into his hands.
Start planning to get you and the kids out safely, find a strategy such as grey rock that you are comfortable to do to preserve yourself and the kids emotionally (but be careful), learn the signs of narcissistic rage and work out the signs of him escalating so you can judge the danger and decide your course of action based on that so you can stay safe.
We are not idiots we got hooked by an abuser. We never saw it coming because to us its unthinkable that any person would treat another like this- its incomprehensible to most people.
Get yourself some professional support this isn't going to be easy but we can both do this. We both deserve better and we can both escape. Stay safe ok oxox
Just remember this isnāt on you or in anyway your fault.
You are a strong woman for dealing with this bullshit for so long and I believe that you can be just as strong to walk away and raise those beautiful kids with a happy mumma!
Put yourself first, make yourself happy and know your worth because love you are worth sooo much more than this dead beat āmanā is putting you through. Believe in yourself and walk away and be happy for yourself. Itās going to be hard to begin with but it wont be as hard as what you have gone through for so longā¤ļø Much love to you mumma!
Just remember this isnāt on you or in anyway your fault.
You are a strong woman for dealing with this bullshit for so long and I believe that you can be just as strong to walk away and raise those beautiful kids with a happy mumma!
Put yourself first, make yourself happy and know your worth because love you are worth sooo much more than this dead beat āmanā is putting you through. Believe in yourself and walk away and be happy for yourself. Itās going to be hard to begin with but it wont be as hard as what you have gone through for so longā¤ļø Much love to you mumma!