This is long one, so sorry.
My and my husband's friend (age 50) of many years (My husband has known him over 30 years), has started cross dressing. He is married with an 11 year old daughter. He is currently suffering from depression and has recently self harmed, ending up in hospital. His dad is bipolar and was apparently (according to my husband) seen years ago dancing in town wearing a dress. Our friend is now doing the same. I met up with him last weekend, he was with his daughter and looked extremely feminine. He had a tight top on with 'breasts', and shorts. He had lipstick on, painted fingernails and lots of jewellery. I didn't say anything- just greeted him normally but my daughter, who is 6, was looking at him a lot. I can't begin to imagine what his daughter is thinking - she was with him.
He even walked past a dressing up stall (we were at an art event), he picked a dress off the rail and joked about how it would suit him.
Today he came round dressed in normal 'blokey' clothes but I could see the outline of a bra underneath his t shirt. I could see the clasp showing through the material at the back. He has the beginnings of breasts.
I asked him how his weekend was going, he told me (while my daughter was in the room), that he had been to a nearby city for the night, 'out in my glad-rags, dancing, far too much to drink, but they've got a good scene there'. Ages ago I called him about something and he told me he was in a hotel room, about to go out. He told me he was 'gonna put my heels on and go out dancing.'
My dilemma is this: he is trying to be open about it- I think. But he hasn't come out directly with it.
His wife, who has been my friend for the same amount of time, has not said a word to me about it. It must be so heart breaking for her. I feel sad that she hasn't come to me about it, but she is tight lipped about most things. She lives for her daughter (maybe a little too much, as she has devised a full on after school curriculum for her and the poor girl only gets a break on Sundays), and she must be devastated.
The daughter must have noticed. She is 11. I have no idea how much she knows, if it has been discussed, whether she is dealing with it ok, or, as I suspect, the wife is desperately trying to shield her from it all.
It's like the huge, proverbial elephant in the room. I just don't know what to say, I have absolutely no judgement about it, I love them all, and it doesn't change our friendship, but it's becoming awkward for me as it's so obvious what's happening. He is not cheating, and he is a really good dad. I think it is his way of dealing with stress, and I think he is also bipolar.
So. What do I do? Do I say something to the wife? Do I say something to him? Just to affirm it, just to say I'm here for them all. Just to see how their daughter (my god daughter) is coping. I am worried my daughter will say something inappropriate soon. Like 'you've got boobies'. She's only 6.
I just don't know what to do. Please help.
9 Replies
This isn't his way of dealing with stress. Possibly if his stress is too high, the gender dysmorphia has become more prominent. It's also not a symptom of bipolar... Though if he's manic, he would be more likely to show that side of himself. It's also unlikely it's Dissociative Identity Disorder if he still interacts as himself... So I'm thinking this is just who he is. And yes, you should talk to his wife if she's a close friend. Ask how she is... Because trying to keep a marriage together when one party announces they are gay or transgender is very damaging to most people and she probably needs a friend. She's likely hurt, embarrassed, feeling as though he lied to her all those years, etc. But she also probably feels like she isn't allowed to feel that way and should support him to be himself and that will stop her seeking support. Just say 'saw x on the weekend with y. He was dressed up.... I was wondering how you are'
I would think that if he is doing it in front of you, he is totally comfortable in what he is doing and there is no need to even discuss it with him. I'm positive he knows that you are aware - of course he is. So there is no need to affirm it with him. By not discussing it with him or treating him differently you're pretty much just telling him you know and are okay with it and don't see him any differently. His child will also be aware. In fact, it'd be positive for your daughter to point out he has boobies - you can all laugh and acknowledge it. Children are so innocent and can break the barrier.
I would be chatting to his wife though, it will be a hard conversation as she will probably feel like you are judging their family, so be very light. Just ask her how she has been as if this is affecting her marriage at all?
It is totally possible that they're still happily married and have a healthy sex life. I know of someone who was in this scenario and they lived a happy marriage, he did what he did on the side.
Why does there need to be a conversation with anyone?
Kids are far better at being accepting of change than us adults. I’m sure the father has had a conversation with his daughter because she isn’t blind!
He is clearly very open about the situation and you are making assumptions about his wife’s feelings. But if she is closed lipped she won’t appreciate you bringing it up.
I personally would model that this isn’t a big deal. Because it’s not a big deal. Your daughter and his daughter will learn far more from that by having conversations.
I can make assumptions about the wife's feelings because I have known her for years and she will be devastated about it. She married a very masculine man. He is now going around in public as a woman. My husband(who has yet to see the cross dressing), and me met up with both the man and his wife for pizza about a month ago. He was dressed completely as a man. She has not been out with him yet as a cross dresser. Clearly this shows she is not accepting it.
Talk to her! Be prepared to be supportive or even dismissed but don’t react to that, instead say you’ve meant no harm. Go with your gut instinct! If they have sorted this out as the new norm for them they won’t be offended by your asking. Ask how you can support the changes they are going through if they are difficult as you’ve assumed. Lots of good advice on the Facebook post, take the good and forget the rest!
If she's fine, she'll say so straight away and all will be fine. But she'll still know her friend cares enough to ask. Last year my friend told her husband she preferred women. They remained married until he suicided because he didn't feel he could tell anyone how devastated he was because not supporting her was politically incorrect. His note was devastating.
As the ex wife of a transgender person. I say talk to her, she will need support. These people usually have no care or concern for the people around them - feel for this guys daughter!
They obviously feel comfortable telling you. They're still your mate, regardless of the clothes they wear.
They are who they are.
As for your daughter. Answer her questions honestly. She'll work it out if you lie
Maybe you should mind your business? It’s got nothing to do with you, he’s not your husband, he doesn’t need to “come out” to you, they don’t owe you any explanation because it quite literally has nothing to do with you. And not judgemental? Honey there’s so much judgement dripping from your post you should be on X-factor.