Last year, my daughter, who is now 18, and I had a falling out. She refused to speak to me for a whole year and moved in with her boyfriend (been with him since 16) and his mother because I slept with a much younger man and she didn’t consider me a good role model.
Recently, something unexpected happened. I had organised for my three other children to be minded by a friend of ours whilst I went away for a weekend with my boyfriend. The place we were going was over 7 hours away, so we left whilst the boys were at school, with the babysitter going to be there to meet them. When we were nearly at our destination, I got a call from the sitter saying she couldn’t come. My sons, 15, 12 and 9 were unattended, so I desperately started calling other friends who might be able to mind them as were exhausted and couldn’t come straight back.
In the meantime, my daughter came to see her brothers and found no sitter there. I had been in contact with my sons the whole time letting them know what happened and how I was going to fix it. They said they felt safe and ok (we live in a very small country town and everyone knows everyone).
A close family friend (across the road and my sons good mates Mum) said she’d be happy to have them for the weekend, as I often mind hers.
Instead of calling or messaging me, my daughter called the police and had DHS involved. My ex husband ended up involved and I wasn’t allowed to take my sons home from across the road when I got home until I had spoken to welfare and satisfied them I didn’t leave them alone on purpose.
She’s also been ringing me on a private number and calling me nasty names (I know it’s her because the only people I gave my new number to are my Mum, boss, boyfriend, kids school and her).
How the heck do I approach her about all this and repair our relationship?
All manner of strife
All manner of strife
Posted in:
Life Lessons, Self Care, Health & Wellbeing, Behaviour, Kids, Teenagers, Tips and Advice
27 Replies
It sounds like right now she doesn't want to repair your relationship, she was already in a fragile place with you and then she saw that happen and in her mind, consolidated what she thought of you.
I'm going to assume that seeing as you slept with the younger person, word got out to her peers and she was embarrassed? Or was there some other way she felt you weren't a good role model? Was this really the only reason she felt that way, as for her to make such a bold statement regarding the way you model yourself. Are you sorry you slept with the younger person or are you proud that you are in control of your body and your decisions? If you're sorry, tell her that. If not, I'd just let her know that you are old enough to make your own decisions and you can't change the past, but you can create the future. Tell her when she is ready to come to you, you'd love to move past what has happened. Let her know you'll be waiting for her to contact you.
I think to repair the relationship you might need to own up to some of your mistakes. It sounds like you might be a bit impulsive and flighty.
I’m wondering if there is a lot more to this story and you’ve kept out some bits about really why your daughter went that long without talking to you. Did you daughter still see her brothers regularly or did she turn up very unexpectedly that same exact weekend you went away? I find that weird.
Maybe she is waiting for an apology or an explanation. Or for you to ask her back into your life...
May come out harsh but you need to start making better parenting choices. Walk the extra careful road to be the best most solid, reliable parent you can be.
Your child shouldnt know who you slept with and I agree with above, I tend to think this is one in a list of questionable parenting choices your daughter has experienced from you.
When your child tells you that you aren’t a good role model, you have to do some soul searching and maybe recognise if there is any truth in what she is saying. I think the first step is to admit any wrongdoing on your part and move forward from there. Did the children take their weekend stuff to school? Did you confirm with the babysitter the day you were leaving? Did you pick a sitter that is unreliable and flaky? Why was your ex so quick to shoot you down, what is your past? I know my ex would have been a lot more understanding and we are only amicable, certainly not friends, but he knows my priority is always my children. I may be completely off base because I don’t know you, but maybe some self reflection is in order and an open and honest conversation with your daughter.
I'm going to be blunt here and I say this as someone who's had a very strained relationship with my mother since my teen years too.
A child doesn't just wake up one day and think "I'm going to move out and stop talking to my mum" for absolutely no reason, nor do they just come to the conclusion their mother is a bad influence without cause and they certainly don't just ring DHS for a simple misunderstanding.
My advice, if you want any chance at repairing or rebuilding a relationship with your daughter. You need to take ownership of your part in this, I'm not saying you're solely responsible for the breakdown of your relationship but it definitely didn't fall apart on it's own, you also need to focus on being the mother you need to be for the 3 kids you still have at home so history doesn't repeat itself.
So take the opportunity to do some self reflection and be really honest with yourself. I also suggest you get some individual counselling and see if your daughter would be interested in doing some joint counselling, I think you both really need the help.of professionals to get things back on track.
Sounds to me like your daughter rang for police /DHS involvement as a wake up call to you. And I'm wondering if she hasn't spoken to you in 12 months and didn't know you were going away with the new boyfriend whether one of her siblings phoned her. Unless the friend staying at your home and caring for your children had an unplanned emergency, you either didn't confirm things before you left or chose an irresponsible carer. And how would your daughter know who you slept with when she was 17 unless it was a friend of hers or you're much to involved in your own life to have child/parent boundaries? I think you need to really analyse your priorities and take the time to understand your daughter unless you want to lose your other kids too.
The babysitter is their regular babysitter who minds the children when I am at work. She had a family emergency and had to go and look after her grand daughters instead.
As to the young man, she overheard a phone conversation she wasn’t meant to hear.
Daughter drops in from time to time to see her brothers. She sometimes calls before hand, sometimes not. The boys didn’t call her.
The babysitter is their regular babysitter who minds the children when I am at work. She had a family emergency and had to go and look after her grand daughters instead.
As to the young man, she overheard a phone conversation she wasn’t meant to hear.
Daughter drops in from time to time to see her brothers. She sometimes calls before hand, sometimes not. The boys didn’t call her.
Yea sorry you sound like a feral who doesn’t have her priorities in order.
I actually do. I work hard at shift work to support my family, and usually have a reliable babysitter who minds them when I do. She also usually looks after them when I have the occasional bit of time out, which every adult is entitled to.
Usually I go out and have my fun when they are at their father for the holidays, but he doesn’t have them all that often. Very rarely, and usually deliberately on his part NOT when there’s something on that I want to attend.
Sorry but it’s not “feral” to need time out occasionally. I don’t smoke, drink, gamble or do drugs.
It is an odd choice not to come home when you realise your kids are unattended.
I explained why we did not turn back immediately. We had driven for 7 hours before I found out, and by that time it was dark and we were exhausted. I had found someone within that time who was happy to mind them for the weekend (as I have also done for this lady before when she has needed it).
The babysitter who usually minds them and left me stranded this time has been dispensed with and I am looking for another, reliable one, for work.
I felt it safer to remain where we were, as it’s dangerous to drive when fatigued, and a minder HAD been found (though not until after my daughter had sent for the authorities and then gone home herself shortly after).
Two of you driving is not driving fatigued. It comes down to priorities. You decided they were OK and you need to live with that. Either call your daughter on her judgement and meddling, but if leaving them was illegal or borderline bad parenting choice (regardless of all excuses) then getting angry at her will destroy your relationship.
It comes down to how honestly you can self-reflect on your own parenting, and unfortunately, as you see by the comments here, it seems you don't do it too well. You use excuses and justifications instead.
I'm going to admit, when I read this is I did have the same thoughts and feral did cross my mind. But then I did sit back and think that we are getting about 10 minutes of this woman's life and I'm sure there were more things leading up to what has happened.
OP, I think it is time to potentially have a reality check and work out where your priorities lie. Of course you are entitled to your adult time, but you say it in a way that you feel it is above your children almost.
That’s not the case at all. My children are my priority, and I thought I had everything organised well as I usually do, but something fell through. It wasn’t my fault. I can’t be expected to drive all the way back at night, 7 hours, after having driven 7 hours to get where we were, and we’re exh, and a sitter had been found in that time. If my daughter had not turned up and stuck her nose in, no harm would have ensued to anyone at all.
Can I suggest rewording your post then? That way you will get suggestions you are actually seeking
Had everything organised “as I usually do”.....maybe your daughter thinks you do this too often? Is it a usual thing to go away for the weekend? I couldn’t get a sitter to pick my kids up from school and have them for the weekend, I would rather pick them up, get them settled and handover to the sitter. I can’t even imagine doing what you did, Im just telling you the truth, giving you another perspective. I might consider it if it were grandparents, maybe, but not a stranger, too much could go wrong, I just wouldn’t feel right not handing them over. As you can see, it did go wrong. I also could not imagine getting the “lady over the road” to care for them for the weekend, unless again, she is a best friend or family.
Their usual sitter is actually the godmother of one of my sons. Close friends yes. And the lady over the road is also a close family friend. We live in a very small country town and have been neighbours for 15 years. We often mind each other’s kids.
No, I don’t go out every weekend, maybe every 2 or 3 months , and as I mentioned previously, it’s ususlly only when the boys at at their dads place (he lives hours away up the High Country). Usually if I’m going to work or anywhere else, the godmother minds them (and I pay her).
Fair enough, they are friends who are like family, not just a sitter and the lady over the road, I understand.
Something is off about thos post which makes me think your daughter is right.
If I was leaving for agetaway it would not be while kids are at school. I'd say goodbye properly and make sure the sitter was there (like a handover).
The sitter would have known you are going 7 hrs away? Why would she ring at the very last minute to tell you she can't watch them? It just seems odd.
There's this vibe in your post, a selfish vibe...
I’m feelin’ the vibe too. From the post and then the comments afterwards.
The "my daughter stuck her nose in" comment was the one that stuck out to me, such a lack of underatanding, empathy and perspective.
I'd bet my last dollar that there's 18 years worth or backstory and poor judgement here.
Is the boyfriend the younger man? If so then following allong with him and going on holidays is probably not the most adult decision.
I have NEVER left my kids and left like that even when I was a single mum. If your kids are too young to be home for the weekend then I'm sorry but you cant go out. Just have your boyfriend over when they are in bed and watch a movie or something. Or wait until your kids are safely at their dads or in someone's care. If this sitter was a godparent and was fully aware of your plans etc as she bloody should have been if you were going so far away and just cancelled without making shore they were ok. Well that is not someone I would leave my kids with if I died. It sounds to me like you didn't organise things properly or have any back up plan or emergency plans and just flitted off on a romantic get away.
You are not entitled to have weekends away especially at the expense of your children. You sound very self centred. Even if everything went as you say to randomly dump your kids on the lady across the street even if a friend for the whole weekend is crazy. Maybe I could understand for the time it took you to drive home or at most until morning when you got home since your plans didn't work out. Even tho your kids said they were fine just imagine how they were feeling, uncertain of the plans, arriving home from school to no one and such chaos.
As for your 18 year old. You need to admit to her your faults and wait. If you get your act together she may forgive you once she has kids of her own and thus more understanding. I didn't speak to my mother from 16 till 28 and the wording of your post reminds me of her.
She didnt consider you a good role model...
you travel 7hrs away for a weekend...
she was worried and involved DHS when her brothers were left unattended...
I feel as though we are missing way too much of this backstory to form an unbiased opinion, because I am currently on your daughters side.
Fix your relationship with your daughter before you involve your boytoy. It sounds like she wants a mum, not someone who doesnt understand her.
Iam sorry but coming from an 18 year old whom also did the exact same thing to my mother when I was younger, all those who are tarnishing this poor mother about her choices etc.
Have you stopped to think for one second she could just be nasty and vandictive. Could she just purely be angry and spoilt and wanting to create problems. Is there a possibility that the daughter is holding on to hate.
I know i damn well did when I did this to my own mum and family. Ot was simply all out of spite and to create hurt etc.
We are all looking through the pained glass of one side. You dont know the daughter you cant judge the character of either party over the internet. There could be a million reasons the relationship broke down.
I dont see why so many are bashing this mother for not coming straight home. Do you realise fatigue is a leading killer on the roads, do you know if the other person has a license.
I dont know the answer to any of these so how the hell do any of you. I can guarantee not one of you parents are the perfect parent and have made some decisions youve regretted.
15 is old enough to look after siblings.
Children these days are so wrapped in bubble wrap and protected from so much.
To this IM, in the instance of your daughter i wouldnt bother with making amends, leave her have her space and give her boundaries. She may want to see her siblings but stop her from turning up without notice, you are still her mother not her friend and if this is the way she is carrying on then time to put things into perspective and lay the law down.
As for everyone else this is a tiny snippet of this ladies life. Iam not sure where you all get off thinking its ok to judgement nelly and make assumptions on who what and how she parents or does with her life. We dont live with her, you dont have the full story.
Its time to stop assuming so much in others lives when you dont live in those shoes.
Who drives 7 hours just for a weekend?
I would not go away unless my kids were staying with their father.
You might need to let the toy boy go, focus on your kids and show your daughter how you can parent well. Get some counseling too