Dear mums
I’m reaching out because my beautiful step daughter (10), who has been a challenging boundary pushing wild child her whole life, has recently been diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder. Her therapist diagnosed her and in theory she explained it to me but I don’t feel like I took it in, I don’t really understand what it means and I don’t really know what strategies I can put into place to help my little girl. I’ve tried looking online but the explanations don’t make a huge amount of sense to me and they are really limited in terms of helpful strategies. I have an appointment with her therapist in two weeks and will seek more information then, but lovely as she is she’s not a mum and I would really appreciate some advice from mums with some hands on experience.
As far as I can understand it it seems to manifest most in her relationship with me, because her bio mum left when she was quite young and now she’s trying stay unattached to me and push me away in case I leave as well (I’ve been with her dad for four years and known her her whole life)? I don’t have any bio kids and not planning any so she and her sister are it for me, they are my world, I love them as my own and I’m not going anywhere, so how can I help her accept that it’s safe to love me? It feels like the more I try to show her how loved she is the harder she pushes, and the therapist has put this down to the disorder. Her younger sister (8) is very stable and loving and grounded, so it seems safe enough to assume that as parents we are doing okay and just need to find a way to incorporate big girl’s extra needs into our parenting.
2 Replies
I would say to keep working with the psychologist and dont discount her for not having her own kids. She understands your daughter and will give strategies for you to use and be able to give you an understanding.
I think for now just accept it is what it is. Stop looking for her trust and love in return. And I know thats a tough thing to do. Understand that she cant. It makes sense from her point of view, feeling so hurt from being left and so scared of it happening again that she wont trust and attach, that when effort is made to attach she steps up her resistance. As a mum i would say just keep parenting and loving her anyway and youll show her eventually.
Oh I feel so sorry for you. My best friends daughter has RAD. I want to be encouraging but honestly there’s nothing you can really do. You have to accept she will never feel the way you want her to feel about you.