Everyone says ‘ leave an unhealthy relationship, there’s plenty of support out there for those who can leave DV’ there is nothing. I would have been homeless with my child if it wasn’t for family where It wasn’t even safe for me to live. They couldn’t help me with housing, I had to email a real estate and explain myself. They couldn’t keep my escape location private. It was plastered all over court paper work. Worst of all, once he was released from lock up they couldn’t tell me. I’m lucky a friend seen him a contacted me so I had time to run to a new town a start fresh.
Although.. a fresh start is just not feeling any better after three months.
Here’s the twist in my head.
When your dealing with DV, you don’t have a great deal of people to open up to, so a lot of days are spent hiding emotions and pretending to be someone your not.
I could only vent to one person, my boss at the time. He is trustworthy and would give the support I needed.
After break up, we met up for a chat and he went in for a kiss.
We are now a thing but I feel like I’m tearing down a man that’s just trying to put the Broken pieces of me back together.
I’m still trying to get over what the last couple of years held but I find myself always feeling low, trust issues, and a lot of jealousy between us.
Anyone who has left DV, how was your next relationship and do these feeling fade?
8 Replies
You will almost definitely self sabotage this relationship because you have not done the work and are not ready for a relationship. I also feel like your boss has some predatory qualities, if he were a person with good/healthy intentions, he wouldn’t have moved so quickly from support person to lover, he is taking advantage of your vulnerable state. This is exactly why people that come out of DV relationships end up back in another, there is no way the dynamics of your new relationship could be that of equals, if he has been your counsellor/confidante. Get out of this relationship, be single, seek therapy and when you are whole again, you can meet someone as your equal. Just forget about relationships for now, you don’t need a man to complete you, good luck.
I disagree with PP’s. It’s not a given that you’ll sabotage this relationship, especially if you get some counselling, a psychologist is great as well. I left a 16 year DV marriage 4 years ago. I had one relationship that ended after about 6 months because I decided to end it. I didn’t want to be with him because he was sucking my energy and wanted another wife. The issues in that relationship were mostly his. I did have some trust issues with him but tried really hard to not sabotage things. You can too, if you want to make it work.
A year ago I remarried the most amazing man. I am now pregnant, I have 3 kids to my DV marriage and he has 2 kids so this is our first together. He is a very independent person, doesn’t rely on my for much, and that helps. I don’t need to fix or help him in any way, he just gets on with life and wants as little drama as possible. It’s exactly what I need. He understands my PTSD and the overwhelming need to feel safe. I tested him and put him through hell for the first year to see if I could make him angry, see how far I could push him. He just remains steady. Someone like that is what DV survivors need. Make sure your new man ticks ALL the boxes, don’t settle because you deserve so much.
I agree with you. I met my husband only 9 months after leaving my Dv ex. I was actually a lot stronger than I thought and I knew what behavours I would accept and not accept and I was very blunt with him and telling him so. I did push him to see what he would do at times. We ve been married now 11 years.
And for every success story, repartnering quickly after a DVO relationship, there are hundreds of disasters. There are women who bounce from one bad relationship to the next. Hoping hers ends up like yours, but the odds are against it, she sounds like she needs a lot of alone time to build herself up. It’s like the people who got married after being together three months and have been together twenty years, for every hasty wedding there are hundreds that don’t make the distance. Don’t forget too, he is her boss and was her comfort, he comes from a position of power.
When I left I stayed single for 18 months and hooked up with a few frogs. Once I met my OH I knew he was what I wanted.
I sought out a counsellor, I gave myself time to grieve,I found myself and figured out what I wanted from life with kids in tow.
It's possible to move on and be happy and not drag your new partner down with you. But you do need to do you first. Jumping from one relationship to another is not healthy. Please see a counsellor we have a place called ESCARE they help women get in touch with the services they need especially when coming out of awful environments they also helped with child care and things like that.
Good Luck mumma! You can fix you! You may hurt your current partner in the mean time.
The first ones a cyclone. Overthinking, misreading, all the issues you need to sort out for yourself before you could even consider being able to maintain a healthy relationship. It takes years and a lot of work before you can stop having to fake normal because you dont know what is.
I think you may need more time. Each person is different, but 3 months is a very short period of time for an all in relationship.
I’ve remained on my own for almost 7 years. I now feel like I would actually be ok in a relationship, but I’m quite happy on my own. I think getting to that point is important for every one after a break up, not just after DV.
I’ve read that it can take as long as you were in the relationship to be able to heal from it. 12 years of DV, 7 years out 🤷🏼♀️ Maybe. There are still things that trigger PTSD symptoms for me.
The question is, have you progressed to the point where you’ll stand up for yourself. Where you know exactly what you want, and what you will & will not tolerate in a relationship. If not, this will not be a healthy relationship.
ABSOLUTELY! It wil take time I assure you, but in time you will certainly open up again when the right man comes along. It’s taken me 5yrs to finally open up. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself xx