More of a vent than a question probably but I am feeling so frustrated about the attitudes towards what a mums duty in the home is.
A friend of mine just posted a vent on a mother's group about her husband's expectations of her, she's a stay at home mum with a baby and a toddler.
Her vent admitted that her husband expected to come home to a pristine house and a hot meal waiting for him and that she was struggling to meet those expectations.
Some of the responses she got were sympathetic but frighteningly the majority were in defense of her husband, and I quote...
"Your poor husband works hard all day, the least you could do is clean up and cook. It's not hard".
"Maybe turn off Netflix and get off Facebook and you'd get shit done"
"I have 4 kids with disabilities and my house is always spotless, sorry but there's no excuse for this"
"I work full time and do 100% of the housework. You just need to prioritize"
"This is just part of being a mum, if you weren't prepared for a bit of hard work maybe kids weren't for you".
I am honestly so shocked right now, just when you think equality is coming along people come out with this tripe and it's other women with these opinions.
It's seriously no wonder mum's struggle with their mental health ☹
**Just to add, by no means is my friend lazy. She's a devoted mother and does the best she can (nor is her house ever even dirty, it looks like 2 babies live there sure but that's pretty normal for a home that has 2 babies!?!) she was simply feeling unappreciated and overwhelmed by the demands of motherhood and those of her husband. She reached out for support, a sympathetic ear and even some compassionate advice. What she got was hostility and judgement!
I guess if there's any point to this post, it's that I want to highlight something...
Motherhood, hell even life in general, is not a competition to see who can pile the most on their plate before they drop it. And Also, that empathy goes a long way, it's a word that gets thrown around frequently but seems to be put in to practice much less so.
45 Replies
Tell her he should be glad to come to a house that’s made with love
So many people living in the dark ages. Don’t get me wrong, if I’m stay at home mum I think it’s only natural to do the bulk of the housework. But if someone is expecting a 1950s experience they can go elsewhere!
Raising kids is hard work, and I can tell you now, parenting is more time consuming and exhausting than it was in the 1950s! Children were sent outside to play and told not come back until meal time from a very young age.
I was actually talking to my grandmother about this recently, when our mums and grandmother's were raising their kids - it was a different time, there was less pressure to maintain this "I've always got my shit together" appearance, the kids played in the street with all the neighbour's kids, parents were less involved and the mums all helped each other with the children, they cooked for each other when one was struggling, they'd nip to the shops for each other and it was possible to live off one income!!
Nowadays, mums are expected to cook nutritious meals, spend time with their kids, keep an orderly house, earn a living, be involved with the school, and do it on their own for the most part, I could go on and on...
It'd just be nice if women could be more understanding of each other's struggles.
I think if you're a stay at home mum then of course there's a lot more expectation to come home to a clean house and meals cooked. But it isn't reality - I learnt that on my maternity leave when sometimes I couldn't even manage a load of washing or to shower myself!
It's great that other people can do it, but I always think I go to work and work my ass off to give my child a good life, come home and spend as much time as possible with him before he goes to bed (2.5 hours after I get home..) so I leave the cleaning and sometimes the cooking til another day ;)
I'm a single working mum. It's much easier to have a clean house when you work compared to being a stay at home mum because no one is home all day to mess up the house so I don't understand why working parents say it like they deserve a medal.
I think your friend needs a new mother’s group!
Some of these answers though really make me wonder what/when these mothers spend time with their kids or are they just allowed to sit in front of technology all the time so no one makes a mess?!?! Im a stay at home mum with my last child (and looking to return to work soon )and my house always is trashed from kids toys/games or bikes and scooters left in the backyard. Id rather have quality time with my child then have a spotless house. However i do have a basic routine...some days it happens and others oh well shit happens. (And thats my husbands words). Some days my husband comes home and the house is actually spotless other days he gets a txt msg " house is bombsite...pickup take out".
My grandmother kept a spotless house. We hated visiting because she would literally be vacuuming under our feet as we ate our lunch at the table. We were not allowed to play, we had to sit in chairs.
I have horrible memories of being screamed at because we got so bored and wanted to play a board game.
I think there are far more important priorities than a spotless house.
If the post was on Mums Who Clean or similar, I think I saw it. Tell your friend that there are some mums in that page with some serious mental health issues around there cleaning obsession! There are a lot of great, realistic and supportive mums in that group too. Unfortunately you gotta take the good with the bad.
It wasn't on that page but I saw and commented on the post I think you're talking about (it was that particular post though that made me think of my friends similar experience). I agree with you though, that page has opened my eyes to some very unhealthy obsessions and 1950s attitudes towards women's, mens and even childrens roles in the home, of course most of the group seems fairly supportive.
I actually grew up with my mum who was so similar to your grandmother, I remember sitting my bag down next to me at the front door while I took my shoes off and before I knew it I was getting screamed at for using the house as a dumping ground, I'd literally just walked in the door, no hello, no 'can you please put your bag away'.
I think that's why this sort of thing makes me so angry now as an adult.
The issue lies with the expectation of her husband. Not whether she can or cannot manage to keep the house clean.
I am fairly clean and I keep the house pretty damn clean. But my husband also chips in and does some... being that I do majority.
And IF he had the expectation that I was to have it immaculate all the time, then I would probably be telling to pack his bags and find another place that’s up to his standards. I won’t be a slave.
Plenty of times he comes home from work and the lounge room is trashed and I haven’t done dishes but I’ve mopped, swept and done 3 loads of washing...
I don’t care what anyone’s expectations are, I have my own expectation to live up to.
Tell your friend not to give a fuck what all those high-horse mothers say on the FB group because half of them are probably lying and can’t keep up with their own expectations either
I can understand why some ladies responded like that. I would have. I get called old fashioned because I expect my husband to go to work and earn the money while I stay home and look after it and the kids. We have 5 kids - 11,8,7,6,2 and due again in January. I always make sure my house is as close to pristine as I can get it, there is always dinner ready. For me it’s not hard because I expect it of myself. My kids have friends over and can make a mess and have fun in the house but it needss to be packed away when daddy gets home. I don’t expect him to come home and clean or help do my job and he doesn’t expect me to help him do his. It works for us but I can see why it wouldn’t really go down very well with a lot of people nowadays because they expect the husband to do both their job and the job of the stay at home mum.
Well, technically it is their job and their role as a human/parent when at home as well. Great if you want to play housewife 24/7, just a bit shit the way you imply people who dont are expecting too much when its actually just equality.
Equality to me is the man doing his job - going to work and earning the money and the woman doing her job - staying at home and doing everything that needs to be done to make that happen. I would never expect my husband to ask me to help him with his job. I don’t expect him to help me with mine. It’s not equal to expect my husband to work 6am-6pm then come home and mop floors and fold washing. If he decided tomorrow that he wants to work 4 hours a day 3 days a week you can bet that I would whinge about that, same as if I said I don’t feel like cooking food every night, how about you do it.
I said it works for us, not everyone. I had a career before I became a SAHM, this is my new career and way more important than any paid job. If the SAHM doesn’t want to do 100% of the work when she’s at home she probably should have had that conversation with her husband before having babies and coming to some agreement with what’s expected from him as well.
Do you expect your husband to stay at work 24hrs a day? Does he do his job perfectly every day? Does he get a lunch break and get to leave at the end of the day? Do you rock up to work and take his inventory at the end of the day on how well he did the job?
If your hubby was struggling earning the money due to illness, disability or industry changes, would you whinge about how he isn’t working hard enough or would you pitch in and get a job?
I wouldn’t get a job. I would expect him to have a back up plan (income insurance, savings in the bank) so that it wasn’t an issue. Luckily he does have that because that is his job - to provide for his family.
Wow!!!! So what happens when hubby permantly injures himself at work or on the way to work? and can no longer do his job? Workcover income insurance and savings do not last forever. Still not gonna get a job because thats his job to have a backup plan? What happens when he has to folk out savingsfor training to specialise in a completely different field? What about the mental aspect of it for him that he can no longer provide for his family are you just going to say "suck it up" Trust me accidents at work happen and can turn the best layed plans and lives upside down. I hope for your husbands sake it never happens to him.
I’m 41, he’s 45. He could retire now if he wanted to because we have our shit together and we’ve worked as a team for the past 20 years to make sure we reached our goals. I’m not worried.
Also not worried about my opinion upsetting anyone because it’s my life so....
Woooooww
I’m a stay at home wife I cook clean and generally keep the house tidy but I don’t expect my husband to sit on his ass when he comes home
When he is home he helps out with the kids, does an extra load of washing, washes the dishes.
It’s called being a team, I don’t work 24/7 and he just gets to work his 38 hours at work
When he is home he helps out. What the hell would you do if your husband couldn’t work? Expect your eldest to go out and work cuz you won’t get a job 😂
I take so many issues with this attitude but if you choose to live like this then more power to you.
I will say this though, my friend never said she expected her husband to do "her job" she literally just wants him to get off her back should he arrive home and dinner's going to be late because she's had a rough day, she wants him to stop giving her a hard time because there might be some toys on the floor that her toddler was playing with not 5 minutes earlier, she wants him to not critisizes the way she has done things that she did manage to get done and naturally she has communicated this to him on many occasions.
I'm sorry but just because you don't see the inequality doesn't mean you get to try and invalidate her feelings or suggest she's being a high maintenance feminazi who wants to contribute nothing to the home!
The reality is that she works 24/7, she does all the house work, she looks after the kids day and night. He does the 9 to 5 thing then gets to be a man of leisure when he gets home, he does what he wants on the weekends (and acts like husband of the year because he took out the bins).
I don't believe any woman on the planet would be truly happy with this arrangement.
She would leave him and find a man that fits her lifestyle.
Fits my lifestyle? What, staying at home drinking bellinis and eating caviar? Oh you mean the lifestyle where I birth children, make lunches, wash clothes, do school run, vacuum, mop and cook? And all the for the children that HE helped create? The least he can do is make sure that we have what we need because that’s what I do. I make sure we have what we need and so does he. You are right though, it does seem like I have one of the good ones if he’s willing to do that.
Do you live in the 1950's? Sounds like you do.
I had children and was the worker and my ex was the SAHD he did nothing, I went home on my lunch break and tea breaks to ensure our baby was fed and given a bottle because it was "too hard" for him to do. We both worked full time and opposite shifts and it was "too hard" for him to do anything except feed and change the kids, but I was expected to do everything else including the outside jobs. When it was his 2 days off he went fishing, and did fun things with his mates and when I had two days off he still got to go fishing and have fun with his mates and play computer games all day. Mind you we had the same 2 days off and he didn't want to do anything as a family or even with me. When I fell pregnant with our last and after our middle child was diagnosed with Autism, I quit my job and told him that it was now his job to provide for us. I gave him an allowance and ensured all of our bills were paid. Made sure I cooked cleaned and looked after the kids. He got 2 days off a week I go no days off a week. I didn't have kids to parent them and look after them all by myself but it's what I got. I broke up with him. I ended it and it was the best decision of my life. Then I met a man had great conversations about what was a reality that could be expected in a life together and when we fell pregnant, moved in and had a baby together he already knew what life would be like. No surprises for him. My house won't be spotless until the kids are gone, my house is clean and lived in. Some days it's amazingly clean others it looks like a horde has run through but you know what he knows that if he helps with the dishes I'll be grateful, he knows that if he sweeps the floor or chucks his washing in the machine and turns it on it makes me love him a little more. He can see me stress and get over whelmed and yet doesn't complain. If he came home and started the 1950's bullshit my dad pulled on my mum, I'd be right up in his grill. He gets to go to work, he gets solace, he gets to work and do all the things that I used to love doing whilst I raise our children and you know what I also go to work and help him when he needs it. We live in 2018 not 1950 and any man that goes to work and works hard usually gets 2 uninterrupted tea breaks and a hour long uninterrupted lunch break and then you give him 12 hours of where he doesn't have to lift a finger but you do. You gotta be kidding. Unless he's out there earning a couple of hundred k a year there's no way I'd be accepting of that. Because with a couple of hundred k you can get a nanny and a cleaner and live a basic life of luxury and you'd also get a break, days off and holidays.
I said if it works for you great, but best not to speak to others as though what you do is the norm. Have you considered what eouls happen if tou did have ambition and wanted to do something outside the house? Do you think about the role descriptions youve created in your children minds? Do you worry for your daughters? Will you speak to your daughter and daughter in laws with the attitude youre coming at these ladies with?
Attitude? It’s just how I live my life.
If my daughters found a husband who was happy to support them in whatever they chose - a career, no babies, 10 babies, stay at home, study, go to work, whatever they wanted to do - I would be happy for them. I’ve said so many times THIS IS NOT FOR EVERYONE, my 3 daughters are no exception. I wanted to be a SAHM and luckily for me I found a man who has supported that from the minute the first baby popped out. It’s all I ever wanted.
I can actually be happy for other people who live a life that’s different to mine, it seems that you’re all against me for how I live mine - which incidentally has zero affect on your life. Grow up, honestly, all I said was I agree with some of the women who commented on the OP’s post and my reasons why. I’m not saying anyone who does things differently is wrong, unlike you all.
But you cant seem to see it from the op friends point of view. She isnt coping and wants help not to be told by people like you who seem to have their shit together that she is doing a shit job. Instead you are exactly the type of woman who this post is about. This woman could have unknown factors (struggling with mental health) and having to hear/see comment like yours is absoulte shit when shes already copping it from her partner. A little compassion can go a long way in this world
Honestly I can’t believe how many people took the time to reply to the way I live my life. We are happy, our kids are happy, it works for us, why can’t you just be happy for us as well? All I said was I could understand responses like the OP saw, some women still enjoy living the “old fashioned way”, what’s wrong with that.
It was the condescending little jibe at the end that I didn't appreciate, you implied that women who aren't happy to take on an old fashioned lifestyle are somehow wrong by expecting a certain amount of equity in their relationship.
You can't get upset that people find your lifestyle wrong when you feel the same about a more modern approach.
Also, there's nothing wrong with having traditional roles in the home so loong as both parties are actually happy with that. My friend is not, she put her hand out for support and she got shot down, I find the fact that anyone would pile on to a woman who was clearly already struggling really disappointing. Which is what you said you'd do.
I respect your choice to live however you want but you should offer the same to women who want different things in their marriage.
The whole point of the post was that women would still put down a woman for steuggling and expecting equality (or even something actually nowhere near it) from their husbands. And you chimed in eith the same type of post!
They’re not wrong for expecting their husbands to help them if that’s how both people went into the relationship. This is why I appreciate gender roles, we both know what the other person expects and have very clear ideas of how our life is together. My husband takes the kids to their sports allllll day Saturday because I don’t want to, I do all the training runs during the week. What if I did it for 5 years then one day said actually, you do it. Start things how you intend to finish them.
If anything, I think this whole thread has helped enormously to explain why those women are commenting so unhelpfully on your friends post 😒
You’re a condescending bitch and I wouldn’t at all be surprised if your husband comes home so happy cause he’s having a lovely time with his secretary during the day if you get my jist. You sound like a horrible woman and I’d imagine you don’t have many friends.
Oh wow so insightful 🙄
Anyway, he will be home soon. I’d best go fetch his pipe and slippers!
To op of this comment - genuine question not asking to be snarky. Have you thought about what you would do if your husband were to leave you? I'm assuming you have been out of the workforce for quite some time it is extremely hard to get a job especially having so much time out of work do you ever worry about this and how you would support yourself? Do you have a plan for this scenario? What are you planning to do when your kids are older and have flown the nest will you look to employment then?
Hope you don't mind answering just interested in your viewpoint
Women are a lot stronger and more resilient than men. I don’t doubt my own capacity to “make it” without him. As for supporting myself and the kids, I would imagine after this long together, no mortgage, savings in the bank and a husband who isn’t an asshole, financially I would be ok. We have spoken about what would happen should we ever divorce and I have no doubt that all 8 of us would be ok. When I was younger, I worked in mining and purchased 2 investment properties in my early 20’s which I still have (I am
41 now). I only stopped working when my oldest was born, so not quite 12 years out of the workforce. When the kids have left home, we plan on travelling, we have already done a bit with kids in tow and it would be so much nicer to do it just us. It may not sound like it for some reason, but my husband is my best friend and we love being together. We have always been on the same page which is why we are still happy, both of us.
I actually respect that you feel safe in your relationship because you're best friends. But it makes me question why you think a man would screw his secretary because his wife doesn't have a pristine house? I suck at house stuff lol. But my husband and I are best mates and our relationship is rock solid. I know plenty of stay at home mums that are great at being a house wife that are now divorced too. So your comment to that mum was really uncalled for. You probably need to apologise
I’m the OP ie the “1950’s housewife”. I just want to clarify that I didn’t write that comment, it was directed at me. I wrote the response about me fetching his pipe and slippers. I think you might think that I wrote it but it’s a little bit crass for me.
Then you deserve the apology. It was really cruel.
It’s all good, I’m really not offended, I thought it was kind of funny because his secretary is actually his cousin lol it’s a family business.
No some one told the OP that her husband was screwing his secretary because she’s a bitch
Whoa. No need to go so low. No one has an issue with this working for you. Just with the dig at women that don't feel this is fair.
OP here: ^^^ the condescending bitch comment was unnecessary. We all clearly have very strong and different views here but it was this 'Women attacking women for their views' kind of thing my post was actually trying to address.
Thank you.
Yep ive learnt from my mums group that there are many who feel equal but are quick to adopt the housewife role "by choice" because they feel thats fair as theyve married a man that makes money and they know it.
Thats cool if thats tgeir agreement, but going on a mums group and carrying on like its still the 1950s is bs, but theres a lot that still do it :/
Wow. If someone spoke like that in my mother's group they would be crucified. Personally, I think traditional roles work brilliantly if your husband earns a very healthy 6 figure salary. But otherwise, to be a home owner, have money for holidays and not rely on government payments requires 2 working parents... And that means both parents need to chip in. Also, when I was on mat leave I realised that I'm not a model wife lol. I'm much more interested in playing with my babies than maintaining a pristine house. Obviously I did more than hubby in that time, but at the end of the day we were both parents so we both parented. And we both resided in the home so we both looked after it. #team