I’m just wanting a bit of a rant and to maybe question those of you who do this (and there are many of you as I’ve seen on this page).
When you talk to someone, why do they feel the need to mention they’re a single mum? It’s almost like they enjoy the label or spilling off that they’re raising kids alone.
I have been putting up a lot of stuff for free or very very cheap on my local noticeboard as I just want to get rid of it and I’ve been getting so many inboxes or comments saying (along the lines of) “Hi! I’m a single Mum, I’d love these” or “please don’t give it to X, I’m a single mum I need it more”.
I just would like to know the logic behind it, is it because they want sympathy or expect they’re more in need than others? Even couples are struggling and doing it tough, some even more so. Personally, as soon as they mention the single Mum card I immediately just can’t be bothered with them.. my husband and I struggle to make ends meet but I never start a conversation as “Hi I’m Laura and we’re struggling financially”.
A few that have contacted have said they’re a single Mum but have a partner but because they’re not the father of the kids they’re considered a single parent (really weird to justify this as well to someone you don’t know).
26 Replies
I use it often as a badge of honour.
I don’t try to get free things, or have people offer me hand outs, I use it like this “hey, I understand your frustration, I’m a single mum with little support. I’ve found doing XYZ helps our family unit function, good luck”
Because Im NOT financially struggling, there’s only ME who provides for this family and I do it on my own!! If I can do it...anyone can!!
Often I felt I had to say it. As people assume I have help, or I have it “easy”.
Or “come out on a girls night, ditch the kids” ummm...NO I’m a single mum - I don’t trust anyone else to watch my kids but me.
Orthe assumption I have a weekend off “don’t they go to their dads on the weekend?” Ummm fuck no they don’t. They’ve never even seen their dad.
So if people stopped judging, we’d stop using the single Mum card.
I’m a single mum to 3 kids. When I was married in my beautiful big house, two shiny cars in the driveway, staying at home with the privilege of being a SAHM and a husband who went to work and no financial problems I used to think the same as you. You have NO IDEA how hard it is. I am 100% responsible for everything - food, rent, child rearing, working, bills, school fees, there is no husband walking through the door at 5pm and no savings in the bank. I don’t struggle financially but if I can tell someone that I am a single mum and they have a shred of compassion or understanding for what it’s like (which you don’t) and are willing to help then I will accept that. I know exactly what you are thinking about single mums, the stereotype, but you can’t tar us all with the same brush especially if you haven’t walked a day in our shoes.
I don’t like using the single mum card, and I’m a single mum!
But in the context that your saying it’s quite normal for people to pull that card.
Being a single mum myself (ha haha) it gets up my nose. My ad clearly said, you need to be able to pull the shed down and transport it yourself, I can’t change that because you are a single mum.
The only time I use the single mum card is when someone says they don’t know how they’ll cope if they became a single mum.
Frustrates me too.
Its just not even close to being the same as having a partner. Of course everyones different, depending on support, opportunities, income etc etc but if theyre mentioning it, theyre explaining that their life is hard.
I’m a single mum, never tell anyone, not because it’s a secret, just because it’s not relevant. I also can’t stand the repartnered women who still call themselves a single mum, you have a partner, you aren’t single, doesn’t matter if he is the father of your kids. Some people like to be the victim, so they play that card. People who like being the victim use other labels as well, if they aren’t a single mum, it’s a part of life.
As a single mum who did repartner but is now single again, I hate it when people who are in a relationship call themselves single mums just because their partner isn't their kids dad too. If you have a boyfriend or girlfriend you're not single.
What if they aren’t living with their new partner yet, so all of the responsibility still falls on them?
If you aren’t living with them, you aren’t there partner, you are boyfriend and girlfriend!
Absolutely. You live together, you ARENT single....emotionally, physically, psychologically, financially.
I’ve found this too.
I tilt my hat to single mums, I honestly do. And not all single mums are this way, but I do know some that do feel like they should be more entitled to hand outs because they do it tough.
So many people do it “tough”... but everyones definition of tough is different to my definition... just like my “financially stable” differs to someone else definition of it.
I don’t see the problem really... I think you are being judgmental. I don’t think it is a problem for a mother to state that she is a single mum. I’ve earnt that right by doing it all without help and all while working full time 100% earning my own keep. Out the house from 6:30am through to 6:00pm. A little compassion and insight goes a long way. Every mother has a hard journey and we need to build each other up instead of this rubbish.
Because it’s a hard slog being a single mum (or dad), and sometimes you need to justify why you don’t have the spare cash, time or energy to do or have things other people are blessed to do or have. Also, having a partner could mean they are seeing someone, but are not yet in a defacto relationship where they live together and combine resources.. maybe they just don’t like the term “boyfriend” because it sounds so juvenile. So if they are living alone, raising children on their own, they are a single parent household.
Personally I dont get it either. Whether your single or not everyone is fighting there own battles in life. Yes raising kids alone is hard work I know but it doesnt mean their battle through life is any worse than any one elses. Ive had this reality check recently when I met someone whose partner is fighting cancer but also their child as well.
Yes that's why I don't get it. I know quite a few single dad's and they don't do it, but most of the single mum's I know do. That said, I know some awesome single mums who don't let it define them. I guess everyone is different though 😀
Im thinking its a full time single thing. Strange how some people see it as a bit scummy, like you shouldnt say it's what you are and shouldnt be defined by it - it is what it is, there seems to be a lot of judgment about it though.
I get some people wear it as a badge of honour and more power to them. When I was a young (early 20s) single mother of 2 I hated it because I didnt want to be stereotyped. I wish at that age i could have worn it as a badge of honour but I would have never used it (and still wouldnt now) to gain an advantage over someone else especially when everyone has there own life battles that most of the time we as outsiders have no clue about.
Its kind of a trap as youve put up ads for free and cheap things and then complain when people in need of charity try to explain why theyre in need.
Wife, husband, doctor, professor, Mr, Mrs, Sir, president, minister, judge, Ms, captain, general, princess, king etc etc etc...A title is a prefix or suffix. I think single mum is pretty much exactly the same. It saves time explaining oneself. And really... that’s what bothers you in this world?
If someone said to me on a giveaway post "This would really help me as I'm a single mum, could i be considered for this please" I'd take my hat off to her for providing for her family any way she could and I'd do what I could to help her out.
I'm partnered with 3 kids and God knows we have struggled financially too, but I dont begrudge anyone for falling on hard times regardless of their relationship status. If I'm in a position to help a person out, I'll do just that.
But If I'm getting a person saying "Don't give it to X I'm a single Mum, I need it more" I wouldn't help that person. It does irk me when people use their situation for personal gain.
Just to clarify, I take no issue with the title of single Mum - I was only asking in relation to when they are wanting to gain something they pull out the card. For me I just feel it is unnecessary, and almost desperate (which I do understand they are desperate at times to provide). I feel it has just been overused towards me this past week so I am questioning if they’re playing the victim card when pulling it out and it makes me second guess doing good deeds and offering things for free.
I think in this instance it sounds like its a victim card being played. You dont see people saying "my child/husband/wife/myself is fighting cancer so dont give it to x". Usually on these pages its first to say sold and whoever that is regardless of martial status i would go with the rules.
I totally agree! I never mention at all that my ex husband is not around as I DONT want to be labelled as a “single mum”. I don’t identify as one and I really struggle to understand those who do.
Would you prefer it if I mentioned that I'm a single mum due to suicide?
I have very little support and struggle to keep afloat. I have never used the single mum card to get things, but I think it's incredibly petty of you to not help someone out because they have mentioned their shitty situation.
I’d prefer you to introduce yourself as you, not a single mum or a struggling Mum. I’d like a clean slate so that I don’t have a rssson to judge you without knowing you from a bar of soap.
I like to pass on things no longer need.
I have found the same.
I now sell them as giving for free seemed to bring out lots of judgments toward those people thought were less deserving.
It makes me happy to see what I have loved go to a deserving home no matter their status.