Needing advice on how to tackle this situation.
I have a 2 year old and my sister in law has two children aged 2 and 4.
My dilemma is that my mil (mother in law) is always always always spending time with the sister in laws kids but can only find time to visit my child for 10 minutes every fortnight (if that).
Everytime she comes round it’s just another excuse... “oh I’ve been flat out, oh I was doing this, oh I was tired”.
Now I understand that people work and people get tired but it doesn’t stop her from seeing the others?!
They have sleepovers, spend the day with her, get taken places, constantly get gifts.
How do I approach her about stepping up? I’m about to lose my mind. My child deserves active grandparents in his life and not ones who “don’t have time for him”
She is a massssive drama queen so I’d like to keep it as friendly as possible...
13 Replies
Is your sister in law her daughter? If so, there's probably reasonable grounds for her seeing her more as there's more common interest. HOWEVER, is your partner around a lot? Like, is there a reason she doesn't want to visit because you and her aren't as close?
What if you offered for her to have your child at her house instead? Or just say you'd love for her to be able to have some extra time for your daughter and maybe she could take her next time she sees the cousins.
My MIL sees my son once a week as we have a set play date time, but if it weren't for that she'd see him once a month maybe less. However, she sees her other grandchildren every day and goes to all of their school activities, sporting activities and what not.
Luckily, we have another set of grandparents who are equally as active in my son's life, just this one set aren't as proactive. I take no issue with it but if I were to ask them to see him more, they would :)
I can’t wait for my sister in laws to have kids so that my MIL isn’t so extra with my kids lol
If your SIL is your MIL’s daughter, I can completely understand why she probably makes more effort with her kids... it’s sad and probably shouldn’t work that way, but it just does. I’m more likely to lean on my own mum for help over the MIL ANY DAY and that’s just maybe what your sister in law does.
Im one of those people who don’t agree with the whole “it takes a village” thing though and if people don’t make an effort wth either myself or my kids, quiet frankly we are better off without. Your son won’t take long to work out that his Nan is a part-time one and it will teach him that not everyone will be like that. (I hope your mum is close though but sometimes kids aren’t close with either grandparents)... it’s one of those situations where I think if you have distant in-laws, you want more and then situations like me where they are too involved, you wish they’d back off a bit.
Dropping in once a fortnight isn't being uninvolved... Even if its just briefly. I'm assuming the time difference is related to her seeing her daughter?
This is partly a you problem.
You have expectations and this dream of what you want for your child and what level of involvement extended family will have etc... which is fine... except outside of you, your child and your partner to a certain extent, you have absolutely no control or say over how people choose to spend their money or time.
Your MIL clearly isn’t interested in fulfilling whatever role you had planned for her. Let it go. Stop chasing her, stop comparing, stop having expectations that only lead to disappointment and focus on your immediate family.
Why would you want someone in your child’s life that doesn’t choose to be there??
Not your monkeys, not your circus. Let your husband have a word, it’s his family. How is his relationship with her, that’s usually the reason they are involved or not? Do you ever go to her house or wait for her to visit you? You may need to be proactive and start inviting her to things? It’s hard to say without knowing the family dynamics.
What has the children’s father done to truly foster a relationship between his children and mother?
If the son isn’t close to his mum then his mum is unlikely to be particularly close to his kids.
You can't force people to "step up".
You need to let go of the expectations you've developed, just because she doesn't fit the mould of what you believe a grandmother should be doesn't mean she's a crappy uninvolved grandparent.
I do kind of wonder if she feels welcome at your home though, perhaps she can sense that you're harbouring some resentment towards her?
If you need to say anything at all, maybe just slip in a "We'd love to catch up more often. I'm free these days if you are."
It's not a one way street, you (and/or your partner) need to put in some effort to nurture this relationship too!
I have been in a similar situation for almost 10 years. My in laws devote all their time and attention on their daughters kids and none on mine (their sons kids).
I've learnt to just let it go.
At the end of the day it'll be their loss when the kids are grown and want nothing to do with them.
In all honesty it doesn’t matter if you speak to your mil or not it probably want be worth it. I’m in the same boat we even lived with my mil for 9 months and I still had to beg her to spend time with my children yet she was and still is more than willing to do everything for my sil and her children (not her daughter)
Mum and daughter relationship. She has a deeper connection with her own child than the mother of sons children. If it were your mother okay fair enough but she isn’t.
My mother actually puts in more effort with my SIL and children and my brother despite my brothers pretty much ignoring her unless they need money or help.
Just let it go and enjoy the company of those who return the love you send out!
My mother flies to Canada to see my sister's children and has never even asked to meet mine. She's not worth my worry.
Just lower your expectations to NOTHING and she won't disappoint.
Massive drama queen...
She's probably not going to change.
Mine only changed 18 months after my husband died.
My MIL has two of her grandkids living with her. She visits us maybe twice a year and spends the ENTIRE time telling us about her other grandkids and blatantly ignoring my son (unless it's to compare him negatively to her other grandson or tell him a story about her other grandson). I've stopped going when my husband visits her because I can't deal. My son adores her despite being treated like shit by her. It's hard to watch.