Hi IM's
I don't really know where to start??!!
So for the last 6 months my 6 year old daughter has been begging me not to go to her Dads house each week, she cries and cries and my 9 year old confirmed that when miss 6 is at Dads she still cries for me. I initially just thought she's a Mummy's girl and misses me, however on quite a few ocassions now she has come home and will go to the toilet screaming in pain saying she doesn't want to wee. Her behaviour has changed dramatically over the past 6 months and she told me tonight Dad dries her after showering, we dont dry her at home, she knows how to dry herself. My older daughter who is 9 also told me tonight Dad always talks to her while she showers. I'm completely freaking out am i overthinking this? What do i do from here? Thanks in advance.
13 Replies
Contact Bravehearts for advice.
But honestly it very much could be a case of over zealous dad.
Bravehearts will help you sort through it
No I don't see this as sexual abuse. Maybe just let him know that she doesn't need help drying herself anymore. If the 9 year old is uncomfortable with him being in the bathroom then she needs to let him know as well.
Okay, Firstly - Have you had her checked for UTIs? As a sufferer of this affliction I can tell you, the pain these cause is like peeing lava. It can cause serious anxiety too, particularly anxiety regarding toileting.
They can also be flared up by certain foods, it may be something as simple as a reaction to foods she's eating at dad's (especially if he has a tendency to feed them tons of junk).
Secondly - Have you been separated for a long time? If so maybe he's just not aware that 9 year olds typically don't need supervision in the shower and 6 year olds are capable of drying themselves. Perhaps you need to let him know!
Thirdly - Has anything changed in this time? IE, has dad started seeing someone, has he moved, new sibling, something else that may explain this kind of behavior?
Look, obviously this isn't even remotely enough to suggest sexual abuse so I'd suggest getting advice from a professional (as mentioned above - bravehearts, a wonderful foundation) and seeing your GP.
Firstly before accusing anyone (because once the accusation is out there you cant take it back) i would take your daughter to the doctor. It really just sounds like a u.t.i. I remember having them at her at and it was so painful to pee. As for your ex drying and talking to your daughters it sounds like he is just being over zealous. I would definetly talk to him though and let him know there is no need to supervise the kids whilst they shower. He probably hasnt even given it a second thought on how it would look and might even be a bit embarressed and shocked that this is what you have thought.
Well done for being cautious! None of these scream sexual abuse to me though, but then again, does it ever?
I'd take her to the GP and have her checked for a UTI or bladder infection.
Him drying her or talking to your daughter whilst in the shower doesn't sound sinister at all, I guess it just depends how open you are as a family. Maybe he just really cherishes the time he spends with them or isn't aware that they need space/can do it themselves.
My son turned 7 this week. I still dry him sometimes and I talk to him while he showers all the time and doubt it will change unless he starts freaking out. Check for UTI
My 11 year old son still wants to talk to me while he’s in the shower. He’s quite happy to sit around naked afterwards and has to be told to get dressed because we don’t want to see him naked. My 13 year old son shuts the door indicating he wants privacy while in the shower and goes straight to his room afterwards, shutting the door till he’s dressed. Kids will let you know when they want privacy.
Hi ladies, i think it doesn't sit well with me because the kids are merely a posession to him. He doesn't hug or kiss them or act Loving in any way, he hasnt bought them clothes in the last 3-4 years, everything is too small. He took them shopping the other day to buy training bras, and bummies but not clothes?? What the??
Nothing you have said screams sexual abuse. Everything could be explained quite innocently. I would definetly take your daughter to the doctors and rule out anything medical first. My parents arent/werent very affectionate and i myself struggle with that too. He could be same. As for not buying clothes for girls i honestly dont know a lot of men who do (whether they be seperate or partnered) my husband doesnt even know what size my kids are and if i havent cleaned out their clothes for stuff to small he will just put it on them.
Look, if you've got an odd feeling about it that's not something you should just dismiss but you do need to approach this rationally and carefully.
Think of it this way - mums take their daughters bra shopping all the time, I still regularly dry and dress my 7 year old because she takes forever, I supervise my 10 year old son in the shower because he won't wash his hair or body if I don't. None of these things would be considered predatory if a mum was doing them.
My husband isn't affectionate with our kids, he loves them dearly but affection is a bit foreign to him given the way he grew up.
I think you really need professional advice before you go in guns blazing.
At this point there is no evidence of sexual abuse, if you come out with these claims you will lose all credibility - that's not something you want to risk in case there is something sinister going on.
Start with GP.
Talk to someone from a service that specializes in childhood sexual assault and follow their advice.
Possibly some legal representation and mediation so you can discuss what the girls do and don't need in terms of bathing and privacy.
That sounds a bit creepy. Trust your gut. Take your daughter to the GP and get a referral to a child psychologist who specialises in trauma and start taking both girls regularly. They can build up trust with the therapist then if anything is said, they’re a mandatory reporter
Better to be safe then sorry, take her to the GP.
I was abused as a child, from 5 onwards and I didn’t have the words or understanding to know what was going on.
You may be wrong, but you also may be right.
She’s mentioning the shower to you for a reason. Don’t ignore your instincts as a mother, because you might upset people. Fuck other people, if somethings going on, you are her only voice.
Believe me the scars last a lifetime.
I’m not saying this to scare you, there might be no sexual abuse going on, but something clearly is because of the personality change and you as her Mum needs to get to the bottom of it. Your her advocate.
Good luck hon, you have no idea how much I’m hoping the best for you and your babies.
Also maybe get a mental health plan for you and your baby, because regardless of what is going on, your little girl is crying out for help and you also need help, it’s the hardest job in the world, and good on you for paying attention, your clearly a very loving and caring Mum.
Take her to the doctors for a possible infection.
Until then, yes, you are overreacting.
Nothing wrong with a parent talking to their child while showering.
But drying too hard may be an issue. So keep that in mind.
Once doctor has ruled UTI out, gently speak to dad about how to dry his daughters. He may not realise how delicate lady parts are