I have a 10 year old girl who is sweet, thoughtful, respectful and kind... oh wait... WAS!!!
I am going out of my mind. I've tried so many forms of consequences and nothing is working. She doesn't have an iPad or anything and she has been banned with screen time, I've taken literally everything out of her room, I've tried cancelling play dates and extra curricular activities.
I know it's a stage in their life to becoming a teen but I also know that it can shape how she will be. I'm at a loss for what to do. I scream and yell, I've tried being calm too. I've tried reward charts for both positive and negative behaviour. I've tried giving a whack on the bum and that was counterproductive. I have taken things away from her and she happily sits in an empty room with a smug, defiant look on her face. I've tried just ignoring the behaviour and it just continues. I've even tried ignoring her but she just gets louder and louder. I even tried an open diary/letter system which allowed us both to write to each other rather than tell back and forth to share our frustrations.
I dont know what to do! With school holidays coming up I'm seriously considering asking my inlaws to take her because I just dont want to have to keep doing this. I have 2 younger boys and I do not want this to be the behaviour they eventually model.
So... sorry that was so long but I hope someone has some ideas.
Also disrespect and attitude includes but is not limited to;
- Slamming doors
- Talking down to me and her brothers
- Screaming and slamming things when frustrated
- Not thinking of how her actions effect others
- Doesn't curse but talks to you with such attitude it feels like knives
- Flat out refuses to do something and looks you right in the eye and just says NO
- Acts as though she is an adult and can do as she pleases
5 Replies
Start treating her like an adult if that is how she wants to behave.
So, from now on:
- Does her own laundry, and if she just leaves smelly clothes on the floor and they don't get done, watch her disgust when she has nothing to wear.
- Prepares her own meals (albeit dinner, which she has to serve up herself) and clean her own dishes. So she has say 2 sets of cups/plates/knives and if they aren't clean, she can use dirty dishes.
- Speak to her the way she speaks to you. Give her the exact same attitude and see how long it takes for her to crumble. I can almost guarantee she will cry. Each time she gives you attitude, tell her how horrible she is being and no one wants to be around her and walk away. Don't give her the opportunity to reply.
Have you tried talking to her when she's calm? I don't mean giving her a lecture, I mean really talking to her and encouraging her to open up.
Is it possible it's a cry for attention? 2 little brothers and constant tension between the both of you, she's probably feeling a bit left out, a bit sad, maybe even angry. Maybe what she needs is some one on one time with you.
Are things okay at school and in her friendship group?
Take a look at her influences, my daughter went through a phase of being an absolute smart ass (for lack of a better term). I discovered she was emulating a lot of her friends that had teenaged sisters and some of the TV/youtube shows she was watching really promoted this kind of shitty attitude too so we put a stop to all that.
I think the most important thing is to react calmly and model the way you'd like her to communicate. So don't engage in verbal slinging matches with her, don't shout, if she's vicious with her words calmly tell her "I don't appreciate the way you're speaking to me". Also, pick your battles.
She sounds a bit like my daughter so i get how frustrating it is to refrain from strangling her 😂. I remember when i was about 7months pregnant she was in one of these moods. Off she stormed to her room and slammed the door. So i got out my trusty screw driver and removed her door. She had to earn it to get it back on (partly because I couldnt do it and hubby had too 😂😂). Mind you i dont think she has slammed the door since. As has as it is dont engage she is looking for a fight with you. I tell my daughter i wont talk to her and will ignore her if shes rude to me and to come back when she can talk to me nicely. When ahe is calm explain what effect it has on you and the rest of the house. The moods do get better as they do get older and their hormones balance out. Stay strong mumma.
Put a smoke alarm in front of the bedroom door. My 11 year old son was a shocker for slamming his door. A few months ago we had smoke alarms put in all the bedrooms and now when he slams the door it sets off the alarm. After the first couple of times he stopped slamming the door.
Talk to her. Go in after the yelling & screaming & have a chat. Tell her that the behaviour is not appropriate & why. Tell her she needs to learn appropriate behaviour because as an adult she can’t behave that way.
The hardest thing is to keep your cool. You are modelling behaviour & if she’s seeing you lose it & get angry she’ll have no reason to not do the same.
My 10 year son sounds the same - minus door slamming. He doesn’t like being in his room alone yet. And I don’t feel like I’m winning at all, but I just cross my fingers & try to keep it together...
She’s pushing boundaries to see how far she can get. She’s pushing your love for her. She’s testing you & has a world of crazy hormones pumping through her body & has no idea how to deal with them. Talk to her about them. Give her tools to deal with anger & frustration. Help her understand what’s going on in her body. Maybe buy her a book that explains what’s happening so she can understand it.
And try to have one on one with her. It’s the last thing I want to do sometimes, but I put in the effort to keep the relationship as open as I can.