I have a really sensitive and awful problem that I don’t know how to deal with.
I have this great friend and over the last year we have become extremely close.
Problem is quite tricky, her fiancé is very loose with inappropriate sexual innuendo, complains in front of her about lack of sex to people and talks about their sex life in a fairly derogatory way infront of myself and others.
I cringe when I feel his sexual humour coming, it’s not for me to judge how he is with her, and in many ways she wears the pants in the relationship...she gets mad but also just brushed it off. it’s an odd match.
For the past 6 months he has sent me pretty gross porn clips on fb messenger, and recently these porn videos have escalated to extremely disgusting almost disturbing videos...
Out with mutual friends one day it came up about the disgusting videos and two other good friends both said they received the same stuff, no one seemed outraged, maybe a bit grossed out but not violated like I feel.
My girlfriend brought up that she was disgusted that he sent them to her and that she felt disrespected by him, and the pressure he puts on her for sex. At that time I didn’t want to push her as she was already upset so I told her “yeah it’s gross he sent that to me and it’s not ok”
She kinda brushed it off as a joke, and we didn’t speak about it again as I could see it made her uncomfortable and I didn’t want to make a thing about it.
Couple weeks passed by and he sent an absolute vile video to me and it was the first one that I actually responded to, I wrote “that is foul, don’t send me that shit” he sent back a laughing emoji. He has since sent several really full on porn clips and he doesn’t seem to know how wrong it is.
My girlfriend is going through a really rough time so I don’t want to make it her problem... and the messenger always gets shot right?
If I block him she’s gonna ask why and I see him all the time (our kids are best friends) so I don’t want it to be weird. He’s the type of guy that would bring it up in front of everyone.
Love this woman to bits, how do I make this issue stop without her getting hurt or protective over her partners ‘jokes’
I don’t need to out him... just need him to stop.
8 Replies
Block HIM. If it’s weird, that’s on him. It’s not ok for him to send you this stuff. He is sexually abusing and harassing you over social media.
It’s not ok to allow that to happen to yourself. If she really is your friend she will understand why you blocked him and she will respect your decision. Tolerating it, is normalising this behaviour for your friend. Lead by example and not allowing his bullshit abuse. This will help your friend see that this isn’t normal and healthy.
You're not protecting your friend by staying silent and putting up with her fiance sexually harassing you (yes, that's exactly what this is!).
This has gone beyond your friend feelings and your kids friendships.
Block him and tell your friend why, have this uncomfortable discussion with her. If he carries on in front of people, call him on his shit!
You're overthinking this and feeling like you can't stand up for yourself. He's being a pig and violating your wishes, block him. He brings it up in front of everybody? Let me know he wouldn't stop sending you vile porn. It's all about him, not her. You can handle this.
I would block him. And if he brings it up in front of everyone, just say “I couldn’t stand the videos you were sending”, if he wants everyone to hear you blocked him, make sure everyone hears why.
You could also send your girlfriend a message after you block him and just mention that you have had to do so because he has sent another one of those disgusting videos and you’ve had enough. I am sure she isn’t going to abuse you for that because it’s certainly a reasonable reason to block someone.
Just block him and if he feels the need to bring it up in front of everyone tell him why straight out. He is probably thinking he is making you girls horny by sending you porn and getting off on it, gross just block him already.
If he's sending it to lots of people it's his humour. Block him if it's not your type of humour. Or just don't open his messages. Seems to me like their us nothing to 'out' though. Either she likes that side of him or she doesn't but that's her choice in terms of whether she marries him.
Crystal clear to me... he is making you uncomfortable. BLOCK HIM! If it gets mentioned just say “it doesn’t have to affect the friendship but I don’t want the inappropriate videos because they make me feel uncomfortable”. You may not be able to do anything about the comments and to some extent I agree that it is just his vile humour (or at least something he is passing it off as) but you sure as hell don’t need to put up with that.
This is a form of sexual abuse - trying to make you watch things that you have already communicated are disturbing and sounds like probably sexually violent or crossing another social boundary any normal person would have. First thing there are indicators he is not safe. This is unlawful and you could go to police if he continues to harass you. You have a right to protect yourself in any way you need to do - definitely block him and keep records of anything he has sent and if he continues. You don't have to spend time around him at all, ever if you don't want to, he is using social control and sexual violence. Secondly he is very likely to be sexually abusive to your friend and may also be abusive in other ways so if you can talk to her and give her info about help in the future she may use it. If not now, if you stay open to her and remain firm but very gentle and understanding about how hard it must be for her, she might need you one day. Thirdly, and this is hard, I would not trust him to be left with unaccompanied access to kids. He has no boundaries and I would consider him a clear risk. Please take it seriously and get any help you need to work through any tricky stuff including big veins this would no doubt bring up for you by calling a women's support line or other similar service in your state.