I’m laying in bed feeling like I’m ready to give up. I’m a single mum of two. My daughter just didn’t listen. I’m not kidding I’ve tried over the years time out, bedroom, time in, talking softly, yelling, rewards charts. I’ve done parenting courses. She just ignores. Tonight she’s doing handstands and cartwheels and lands on our brick fireplace edging. I’ve told her so many times to do it outside. She hurt her knee. This is just one example. She literally doesn’t listen to anything no matter how I do it or what the consequence is. I’ve even let her choose her punishment. I’m at such a loss I just don’t know what to do. My otherchild has a broken leg and is unable to do things for himself. Between the two of them I literally feel like I just want to runaway for awhile. It’s just me 24/7 no one ever to do some of it. I just feel like I could just up and leave just for some me time. Don’t get me wrong I love them dearly and I wouldn’t really just up and leave. I just don’t know what to do anymore. To top things off my ex has consulted a lawyer after 3 years about access. To our daughter. I’m not being spiteful I hold grave concerns for her. He physically abused me and every single ex before me (I didn’t know everything until after we seperated), he’s smacked our child so hard it’s left a bruise and hand mark, he’s mentally abused our child, been done for DD, been in jail for killing someone, long history of drugs is and even manufacturing and the list goes on. I’m so stressed out about it and so concerned for our child. My family aren’t the greatest support. I’m always made feel guilty for asking them and they never want my daughter because of her “issues”. I do have an appointment with a paediatrician but is still 2 months away due to the waiting list. I thought about a baby sister for some me time but I honestly so scared to have a stranger look after the kids. I don’t know this person from a bar of soap and that scares me. The children are old enough to communicate to some degree of their was issues but I’m just so scared of doing it. Not only that my daughter doesn’t cope with change and she will not and I mean won’t go to sleep for anyone. Even my parents she won’t. There has been rare occasions where she’s slept at my sisters but that’s rare. She wants to be home with me. I don’t know if this is because of the things she witnessed when I was with my ex or if it’s because it’s been just me for so long. I see all these parents that seem to be out drinking, on holidays etc without their kids quiet often. Is this the norm? I honestly don’t really do anything on my own. Sometimes things just get too much and I wish I could just get some me time! What’s wrong with me 😐 I am on medication for anxiety. But I don’t feel that it’s that. I just get so overwhelmed and get so sad and angry at shit. I don’t even know what the point of this post is to be honest. I guess I just needed to vent.
9 Replies
Wow it sounds like you’ve got a lot on your plate, and without support it’d be very hard.
From the info provided it sounds typical of your daughter to not listen, I think you’re being too hard on yourself. The consequence is that she hurt herself, so suffer to her as you’ve earned her. There shouldn’t be any further punishment but maybe just less sympathy and an I told you so :)
I did loose it and yelled at her. Pretty much oh well I’ve told you to do it outside I’m so over telling you.
Bad parenting moment that was but I just couldn’t hold it in.
It’s not just a today issue it’s an everyday issue and struggle.
Its a fine seesaw between lifestyle on one end and anxiety and mental health on the other.they both feed each other.
People who have support have balance and then have occasional nights out and holidays etc.
Unfortunately, being 24/7 with yourkids is just absolutely crushing. I know im there too.
Its exhausting, its constraining and its lonely. Which then makes you look at others and want what they have and wonder why you dont/cant.
It also gives you anxiety and probably your kids as well, leading to that cycle of not being able to have a night out even if you copped the expense and effort.
The solution is to build your network, and build your lifestyle on what you can do.
Go out for dinner with mums to a place that has a kids play area.
Goto a bar in the day and take the kids, enioy some live music.
Contact local daycares and find a babysitter, you can trust them and build the relationship until you know you have someone you can call.
Slowly but surely youll feel the change. Then youll enjoy your time outs and you wont get so down about the kids making you insane -youll have your next escape to look forward to.
My issue with going out is my daughter. I’m not even joking it’s beyond controllable. She doesn’t listen, she has massive meltdowns, she will scream and cry and carry on at the tiniest things. No one wants her because of the problems and the inability to make her listen. It’s out of control and I just try not to go anywhere because it’s not ok and I know what’s going to happen. I’ve tried going to dinner, I’ve tried movies in the park. All ending in disaster. My siblings children don’t even like coming to play because of how she is. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I choose to stay home sometimes because it’s easier and less of a fight. She’s the smartest child. And I means smart. She’s at school and they couldn’t be more happy with her academically. However her behaviour isn’t the greatest either at school.
It’s like a slippery slope and I don’t know how to get off it. I’ve even up trying to play with her became it isn’t fun. I don’t even know how to explain it but not many people want to play with her because of it. She physically hurts me despite me doing so many different strategies. She’s even picked up furniture ans thrown around her bedroom and put holes in the walls. I’m so lost and it’s not for lack of trying.
You need the paed. Also go to the gp and get a mental health plan and get her into a child psych. Honestly theyre the ones that do all the assessments, they know and they can help and its much faster and cheaper to get into.
Hang in there, its the hardest when you dont know what to do, and feel like you have to do it all, but it will get better. Who knows she may need medication or special strategies but there is help available.
It sounds like it has nothing to do with your parenting, but more to do with an underlying condition. Given the behaviour is in other places i.e. a trained professional (teacher), peers her own age, your parents, I feel it’s time to stop blaming yourself and justifying your punishments. Its not yours or her fault and the paediatrician will get to the bottom of it, but it may take some time. It could be trauma related, anxiety, sensory, a biological condition, sleep related, there are so many options but they will help and find the right solution. There’s always a reason behind the behaviour, but it takes some detective work to find it.
These kids don’t comply/improve with the standard disciplining, they require different strategies and you will learn these when the professionals have a definitive answer. Before going to the pead appointment, really observe her behaviour, make a log book and see if you can identify any triggers prior to a meltdown. Also document her sleep routine, how long it takes her to nod off, how many hours she gets etc.
You are at rock bottom at the moment, things can only get better. For the next two months, try to pick your battles as best you can and just get you both through it with minimal pain. Keep telling yourself it’s only two months until you will get the required help.
As for the ex, with his record, I’m sure it is likely that he will get supervised visits only. If you argue that you want drug tests, this might make him change his mind about seeing her. Nothing like random drug tests to stop someone like him in their tracks.
I totally agree here. Im going through the same with mine. He's 8 and having issues regulating self cotrol, hypervigilant and over anxious to name just a few symptoms of the dv we experience at the hand of his father.
Get a mental health plan for both of you. Thats what we're doing right now. And breathe. Im not on meds for deression and anxiety but my son and I take st johns wart morn and night and magnesium phosphate soluables to calm the physical feeling. Not a cure but helps a lot. Good luck mum and daughter. Xx
I think the paediatrician appointment will be the first step in the right direction. 2 months will come. Hang in there
What is the timeframe similarity between her behaviour going downhill and the split with your ex? Children can be thrown into a tail spin when a family degrades.