My ex and I have been seperated for 2 yrs. We have a 86%(me)/14%(him) time split with the our 2 kids, 6yr old boy and 3yr old girl.
When we seperated we had an agreement that he would pay $50 per week child support (which is assessed through child support but collected privately) and he would also pay half for school needs, swimming/kindy fees etc.
At the start of last year he told me he'd started see someone, which in all honesty broke my heart because it meant that my marraige was truelly over and my family would never be mended. After 6 months of them being together she moved to our area and her kids started going to the same school as our son so I had to see her every day. I was always polite and smile and said hello because my kids where there but everytime I saw her it killed me inside.
Fast forward to January this year and I sent him a text letting him know that I had already covered our sons back to school costs so he didn't have to pay any of that but I needed his half of the kindy fees. He replied that he'd no longer be paying anything more than child support because he "has to draw a line in the sand or else 10yrs from now I'd still expect more than whats required".
I sought legal advice and was told to go to mediation, which he has refused 3 times (I now have a section 60i certificate) he says we can sort it out ourselves. The problem is his new girlfriend wont allow us to be alone to discuss it. She says "dont you know that we discuss everything you say to him" I tried to tell her that the parenting of our kids is between my ex and myself but she disagrees because she sees them every 2nd weekend when they are in his care and says that "it takes a village to raise a child". My parents spend just as much if not more time with our kids because they watch them while I work, help with school pick ups etc but I would never dream of including them in the discussion because they are not the parents (although it would be nice to have someone in my corner lol) I guess my question is:
Am I being petty by not wanting to discuss parenting things with her there??
16 Replies
I don’t think you are being petty, but you are fighting a battle that will cost you more financially and emotionally than you will gain. Sometimes you just have to decide to let things go.
Knowing what I know now, I’d opt out of the fight. Find a way to cope financially without him contributing to school fees etc. Collect child support through the child support agency. You won’t win by getting into a battle over this with these people.
No i dont think you are being petty at all and i think she is out of line. This should be discussed and sorted between the 2 of you as to whats best for the kids. To me if she wants to be a part of his life then her job is to support and reinforce those decisions made by the 2 of you. She should not have a say on the outcome of the discussions
It's not an unreasonable request to discuss parenting issues privately, next time she says "Well he'll tell me anyway", respond with something like this.
"It's up to 'John's' discretion if he chooses to discuss parenting plans with you. I however will not be, so if you don't mind I will have a few moments to talk with him privately".
If it gets to the mediation point she won't be allowed to participate in that, and as for the child support - legally he really only has to pay the amount calculated by CSA so good luck with that, as shitty as it is!
He's stating that he only wants to pay the amount that is legally calculated to be his share based on both of your incomes and the care arrangements. So I completely understand him doing that. But parenting issues are between you and him. That said, it's not uncommon for parents to talk to the ex's new partner if that's easier. Maybe thank her for wanting to be involved and acknowledge that he can talk to her, but acknowledge that whilst a child can be influenced by lots of people, they only have 2 actual parents and she isn't their mum.
Wow shes a piece of work. He can discuss anything at home that does not entitle her to sit in on a meeting between you.
Sounds like shes scared of what he'll agree to without her there pulling the strings.
If he hasnt attended mediation, dont you hold the power right now? Get the proper child supprot assessment done and just let the bill mount up if he doesnt pay it.
Still expecting him to pay for his kids in ten years, please!!
She has a child support assessment and he is paying that. She's said he's not paying more than that anymore
That was two years ago and kids cost $$ deciding already he's not going to be giving it is a pretty shitty attitude.
No you're not being petty wanting to discuss it with him privately, if she started trying to have her own input then that would be a real bother.
But, I'd look at the bigger picture. Do you children enjoy being there? Does she treat them well? Do they come home clean, healthy and well-fed? If so, I'd probably just suck it up and discuss it with her being there rather than prolonging it and creating an issue or riff that could have easily been solved/avoided. Her stating that it takes a village would make me think that she genuinely wants to help raise your children like her own and I'd be pleased with that comment.
What he is stating is the legal amount he's required to pay and he has the right to withhold any further payment for extra activities (as I'm sure you're aware) but him being open to discussing it is great. I'd take the opportunity to discuss it with her and see what you can come up with :)
Usually I would be very open to the idea of having her included if she was a carer but in your case I would be setting boundaries because it sounds like a new relationship and she’s to demanding to soon. I’d be telling her you’ll discuss it with her other parent and it’s up to him if he discusses it with you.
You are not being petty at all! When I comes to mediation new partners are not present unless both parents agree to it. He can discuss what is said with her, just like you can discuss it with others if you choose, but that doesn’t automatically mean they get to present for the discussion. You have a certificate from mediation so go back to your lawyer and find out what the next step is. Get as much information in a parenting plan as you can (birthdays, Christmas, mother’s/Father’s Day, school holidays, financial contributions above child support amount) to reduce friction later.
In regards to child support, get csa to collect for you. My ex and I had a private collection arrangement but after starting a new relationship he stopped paying. I suspect the partner had convinced him to stop paying, she didn’t receive child support for her child so felt that I shouldn’t either (she also didn’t like that I received Centrelink payments when she couldn’t as she was from New Zealand). CSA can only back date three months, so you’re better off getting them collecting before he stops paying altogether. It sounds like the partner will try to convince he stop paying completely.
Maybe it’s time to draw your line? Keep it simple and do everything through centrelink, communicate via email so you have a paper trail, meeting with him means it’s his word against yours anyway.
I don’t think you’re being petty in regards to not wanting to discuss parenting issues with your exes new girlfriend there (not sure why you can’t have the conversation over the phone with your ex? and who cares if he tells her about the conversation after you have sorted things out) but I do think you’re being petty in regards to him not paying extras anymore. He pays his normal child support amount and isn’t required to pay more than that legally. Seeking mediation and potentially going to court over extra money is ridiculous.
She needs his money to support her and her kids now 😏
I wouldn’t want to deal with her either. It’s not like the kids are living with her, they see her every second weekend ffs! Maybe in time things will change but having a new GF come along and dictate all these changes.... um no way would I be happy either, plus your heart is still hurting. See a counselor
He moves a new woman into his home, and the extra money he was happily paying for HIS kids, suddenly stops, and then he expects you to discuss parenting decisions with her present? Um hell no, I’d be pissed too!
He’s shown you his true colors, they always do. Piss weak dickhead.
Do it all through the official channels. Discuss kids stuff via email or text. There is no need to deal with her, the kids are there 2 nights a fortnight, surely he can parent them himself in that time. It’d be different if it was a 50/50 arrangement and she was caring for the kids in his absence
Not petty. Tell her to back off
I’m going to go against what others are saying and looking at it from a different perspective. He doesn’t actually have to pay more than child support states and that fact that he was shows that he can be easily taken advantage of. You said the fact he started seeing someone else broke your heart because you obviously thought you had a chance of mending it, which to me seems like you are being petty. He would be trying to work out how to make it all fit nicely. I have been in your position and understand that it’s hard but do you really want to rely on him all the time? CSA know what they are doing and if the amount doesn’t seem right then make sure you get it reassessed. As for meetings.... what for? As someone else stated if it’s getting to be a more volatile relationship then having written evidence is much more effective than he said she said.