Please help.
I feel like I am the only sane person here.
My inlaws let my kids sleep with them in their beds when they stay over. I have two kids, one will sleep with Nan and the other will sleep with Pop.
I do not approve of this. I could handle it when they were infants and needed comfort, but they are in primary school now and I think its really inappropriate.
I have spoken about this with my husband and he's told his parents but they don't approve and I'm pretty sure it still happens.
I was molested as a child by a much adored family member. No one suspected he was a pedophile, he was a really likable person. I don't want to take this risk myself with my own children. I'm not saying I think my father and mother in law are pedophiles. I'm saying I know first hand you can't always trust people.
Do you think I'm over reacting because I think my husband does. I don't want to ruin my children's relationships with their grandparents but I think there needs to be respect for my wishes. I want to feel like I did the best I could for my children.
Kids sleeping with grandparents
Kids sleeping with grandparents
Posted in:
Kids
15 Replies
My mother in law has been obsessed with sleeping with my children since the day they were born, I find the idea utterly bizarre and will not allow it (much to my husbands disgust as he thinks it is normal for a grandmother to want to sleep with her grandchildren). I have no history of abuse personally, but still find the idea of it really weird and uncomfortable. I’d be telling your in laws if they cannot respect your wishes, your children will not be staying over. Stick to your guns mumma
I think with your history you are entitled to be more wary. In fact, your history is irrelevant, as the parent you can choose where your children sleep and the grandparents have to abide by this.
I have occasionally slept in the same bed as grandparents/aunts but it was when there was a shortage of bed/space and a necessity. Never as a child did I share a bed just for the sake of sharing a bed. I don't believe that you need to literally sleep alongside grandparents in order to have a close relationship.
It's very likely that the kids will be fine but your husband needs to respect that, especially considering your history, this makes you uncomfortable and needs to stop. The kids get nothing out of sharing a bed with grandma - they're asleep. It sounds like it's the grandparents wanting this for their own wants rather than the kids needs.
I used to sleep in my Nan's bed when I had sleep overs, in between my nan and pop before he died, (I was about 10 when I started sleeping on the couch because it was more comfortable), my own kids slept with my mum when they had sleep overs.
So I personally don't have an issue with it but if you're not comfortable with it (and I can understand why given your history) then you're not comfortable with it and your in-laws should respect that.
Bed sharing is such a normal thing in some families, so maybe that's why they don't see the problem. Do they know why you're against it? If not would you feel comfortable elaborating as to why? Perhaps they'd be a little more understanding if so.
You know what. My parents don’t want to sleep with my son. They don’t want to sleep with any of there grandkids. So I would find it odd.
The only time they have slept in the same room with any of the kids is when the child has been really sick and they were giving us parents a break.
These are school age children who are obviously well used to sleeping in there own. So there is no reason to co-sleep. I would think it’s odd at the very least.
You’ve asked them to stop, they haven’t respected that wish. I’d stop sleep overs.
We don’t let our kids sleep with their grandparents but this is because one of them sleeps naked and I’m not going to condition my children to think it’s normal to be in bed with a naked adult!
This being said, I personally feel like if someone has the inclination to molest a child and they’re given the opportunity (unsupervised visits) then it’s going to happen whether they share a bed or not. I’m sure you already have done this but a much better way to ease your mind is to empower your children to know what is right and wrong, empower them to speak up and make sure they know that nothing bad will happen to them or anyone they love. Empowering them with the knowledge and ability to help themselves if ever in a situation of sexual abuse is going to be much more helpful than arguing with the grandparents about sleeping arrangements (which I’m not saying don’t do as it is absolutely your right and they should 100% stick with your requests regarding this).
I don't see why they can't say ok their own beds from now on unless theyre distressed.
Think the problem is partner isnt backing you so nobodys giving the message to them strongly enough.
I’m not comfortable with it either unless my children wake upset. But my children have never had a sleep over at my in-laws and it will be a long time until they do, if they do.
I’m the same with my own mum too. It’s unnecessary. I’ve rarely ever slept with them myself.
My daughter just had a holiday with my mum. She woke up and crawled in mums bed most nights. My son was with my mother in law. He's grade 1. She slept with him the first night because he'd never been at her farm without us and it's not his comfort zone with different sounds etc. I have no issues as they were meeting my kids needs. But if you as a parent feel uncomfortable, they should respect that. I think it would help if they understood why you felt that way though.
I think you're over reacting caused by what you went through. I get it but having them not sleep with them won't protect them. If they were pedos they wouldn't need to sleep with them to attack them. Whether or not they co-sleep won't change anything. If you didn't trust them they wouldn't be baby sitting. You can't go around being afraid of everyone who are family. It will eat you up. I slept with my gran through primary school. I co-sleep with my 6 year old and he also sleeps with his gran when he's over her house rarely. Co-sleeping is very normal. Some other Other animals also co-sleep in big familes all together it's instinct. It's probably their protective instincts kicking in
Absolutely right! I've been reading comments and yours make's sence to all this. Thank you!
I think you're right to think its odd at this age, My MIL had my 10 year old son sleep in her bed and I thought it was super weird! I would not be comfortable with it at all and would put a stop to sleepovers because you should not let your children sleep anywhere that makes you or them feel uncomfortable.
Have you told your in-laws?
I was molested aswell by a family member on each side.
I had a friend who wouldn't let up on sleep overs. In the end I had to tell her, she wasn't happy and I think a little insulted by my decision not let the kids stay over.
But she kind of understood my insecurities and gave up asking.
They might empathise and understand.
I have a blanket rule, no sleep overs anywhere.
Both our families are interstate so we are always with the kids.
I noticed this post is two years old. I still want to respond in case someone else needs to hear this advice. My ex mother in law and father in law encouraged my child to sleep with them as long as she was involved with them. I saw no problem with this when my daughter was younger. She slept with us (her parents) and my parents. As she got older and no longer slept with us nor my parents, I felt it was not promoting independence, inconsistent, and inappropriate. I voiced this to my ex who agreed and we both talked with his mother. We had suspicions this was continuing against our wishes. My daughter was at an age that we then instructed her it was not allowed. I thought my ex MIL was the problem. Maybe her thinking she knows better than me as a mother. Or maybe she just wanted to coddle her. She was not the primary problem. My ex FIL was. When my daughter was 9 she disclosed to her teacher that her paternal biological grandfather had been sexually abusing her since the age of 3. First I want to say grandparenting is a privilege, not a right. If they can't respect your boundaries as a parents then you shouldn't feel guilty about distancing. Start with no more over night visits at least. Secondly, if you ever think something is inappropriate between your child and any adult speak up! Make sure these other adults are aware you and your child are aware that sexual abuse is real. Do not ever feel more guilty about hurting someone's feelings vs protecting your child. Always remember predators can be anyone. Just because they're married for 30 years, go to church every Sunday, your in laws, your child's grandparent. It doesn't exclude them from having a sexual deviancy.
Me as a mother i hate that my MIL tries to convince my two year old to sleep with her and my Father in law I understand she loves him alot. But theres boundaries & I dont agree with that period. While am living I decide whats best for my kids & wont allow her to think she has the right to do as she pleases with whats mine.
I actually found this post because my mom use to take showers with me until i told her that i needed privacy
Now she is sleeping with my son in his bed at 8,
Sometimes hes is uncomfortable sometimes he says no and she still does
Sometimes he ok with it what do i do
I think its creepy because i felt uncomfortable as a child when it was happening
But my son says sometimes it is comforting to him