How do I get the courage to tell my DV husband I don’t want to get back together?? We have been together 11 years , 3 children. He smokes pot , doesn’t work, He isn’t living with us and has moved to his parents, but keeps asking what we are going to do about our relationship and each time we talk I freeze up and can’t say it’s Over. I get scared of how he is going to react. He’s a very angry person , he’s only ever grabbed me by the throat once that’s left bruises, I thought I was going to die and our son witnessed and that was breaking point for me but he’s always yelled and slammed doors, threatened. He name calls , thinks I cheat on him(women’s &men) hates my friends and family. I’m just so lucky that I have a very close family that have never left my side and great friends that are still here also. So I have support. I’ve walked on eggshells for 11 years now, I’m on antidepressants and struggle with anxiety. I started to see a psychologist. I just don’t know how to take that next step.
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DV relationship
DV relationship
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Mental Health, Anxiety & Depression
5 Replies
You can expect a big emotional reaction, the tone may change between you, he might get angry, spiteful etc, he might beg and promise and rebound very fast it's what they do so well. But you need to tell him it's over, even if it's by message or when his family are home and you may need to cut contact afterwards if he doesn't accept it. You can't go back just because it's easier, you'll need to remember that because he'll try to wear you down and he'll be there when you're weak.
Don’t do it face to face if you are in any way worried about his reaction. I would do it respectfully as you can though text and add that you won’t discuss it any further because your mind is made up and you feel it is what’s best. Then hopefully he will have time to cool down before you have to see him again. Don’t under any circumstances enter any discussion about your relationship. When I was in your situation I said “I’m not discussing that because it inappropriate and it’s making me feel uncomfortable”. Don’t justify it or anything because it is as good as entering into a convo. Just distract yourself with your kiddo. Will take a while but be consistent without waiver. He will eventually get it.
You don’t owe him anything. So do not do it face to face on your own.
Your safety and your child’s safety comes first.
I’d probably organise to stay with my family for at least a week. Text him on the first day saying you won’t be getting back together.
It’s probably a good idea to speak to a DV support group first and even the police. Know what steps you can take, before you have to take them.
Thank you all for your replies, I still haven’t done anything 😩 I went to a friends house for dinner last night he called 4 times ( I didn’t answer) sent 2 text , then msged our son on his iPad to see where we were. I seriously feel sick.. I honestly sit here and wonder how the hell I got myself into a situation like this 😭
Just remember from his side, abusive and all, he considers himself in a relationship with you. I know its hard and scary, but you need to Draw the lines firmly so that you can both draw firm lines on behaviour and contact and move forwars.
Things will change for the better for you once you do. Keep your eyes on that end goal.