I need help. I have a four year old daughter that is in her first term of kindy and 11.5month old boy girl twins.
My 4yo has been caught hurting the twins on a number of occasions now. From hitting them on the head, kicking them and pushing them over.
As far as I was aware, these were isolated incidents, but after the most recent one, she has told me she has done it lots and I haven't seen her. The only reason I found out about the last one is because she heard me come in from outside and in a really fake sweet voice, said oh twin1 did you fall over and hit your head? I could tell right away that something was off and questioned her about it. She did the right thing and told me the truth, but then today we had a playmate with a girl her age that she's known since birth and a younger toddler. My 4yo was trying to convince her friend to push her younger brother over.
I have explained that she can seriously injure them, even if she doesn't mean to. I have asked her how she would feel if someone bigger than her hurt her. I have asked her if she is jealous or angry, she just keeps saying no and I don't know why I do it. She says kids at kindy don't hit or push, and from what I've seen, they seem like a pretty pleasant group of kids.
I am completely lost. Removing privileges does nothing, she tells me she won't do it again, but she is just getting better at hiding it. I try to talk these things through with her, but I don't want her just parroting back what she thinks I want to hear. I grew up in a very angry, physically and emotionally abusive household and yelling and hitting are completely unacceptable to me, from anyone.
At the moment, she is in her room 'thinking'. I have told her if this continues, she won't be able to have friends come over and that I feel like I can't trust her. The only good thing is that she tells me the truth, but only after I make it clear that I know she is fibbing. I understand it's probably sibling rivalry, but she's trying to get her friends to be mean to little people too! She gets plenty of love and attention, I make a point of doing things just with her. We spend at least an hour a day doing something that she chooses. She seems happy at kindy, the teachers are all really pleased with her and were shocked when I told them what has been happening.
What do I do? Obviously, I don't leave her alone with the twins anymore, if I have to leave the room, I make her go sit in her room until I am done but that doesnt do anything except make her feel like she's on her own. When she isn't being a bully, she plays with them beautifully, but it does feel a bit like she's putting on a show for me.
10 Replies
If you have to leave the room why don’t you take her where you are going? If it’s a just b you have to do, she can help. That way she doesn’t have to sit in her room.
But honestly is feeling alone for 10 minutes a bad thing? You could tell her to read a book etc in her room.
I guess I could actually. It's usually quite brief, just to bring laundry in or while I'm preparing dinner. I don't feel like it addresses the root of the issue though. And the twins love her, when shes being nice. Heck, they still love her even after she's hurt them. It just breaks my heart, I guess because I spent most of my childhood protecting my little brother from our father and I don't understand why she does this
If she was 8 I would be very concerned. She is 4 and kids are naughty sometimes and at this age aren’t as empathetic as we would like. If you are really worried it’s a good age for her to be checked over by a psychologist and peadiatrician.
Agree it may just be experimenting with her powrs over squishy little living things. Sometimes we dont need to get to the root of everything, just find ways to deal with if for now and it may not always be a problem.
Okay so I’ve got kids similar ages and I’ve been reading “peaceful parent, happy siblings” and it has been absolutely amazing with helping me with my 4yo’s perspective. I couldn’t recommend it enough.
So, asking her “why” won’t really help because 4yo don’t always understand their feelings and when they get these types of feelings they don’t know how to deal or react with them.
I’ve been spending a lot of my time “coaching” my 4 year old.
“Did you push your sister over because you were angry? Well we don’t push because that could really hurt her. How about we tell her why you’re angry.” And then I give examples on what he could say “*little sister* I’m really angry that you snatched/got in my way. Can you not do that again” and then I’ll remove the little one or reinforce to the little one and explain to the big one that sometimes the little one doesn’t always understand words but that we have to teach her too and that talking to her helps her learn how to share or not get in the way. I always remind my bigger baby that if he can’t deal with a situation to come and get me so that I can work things out with them because I am a good help and will help fix the problem WITH them.
Always naming emotions and reminding them that we use words to express them instead of pushing or hurting. My partner feels very sarcastic naming emotions but I’ve found it’s REALLY helped. “Oh you’re feeling angry/sad but we don’t push. How about we talk about what’s making you angry/sad”
Sometimes they can lash out at siblings from pent up anger, so sometimes it doesn’t always seem clear to us WHY they do it. But again, I reinforce “are you feeling angry? Let’s talk about it instead of hurting people. Do you think you’re still angry because I told you you couldn’t play outside this morning?” Ect ect
Another helpful thing I read from that book is to see parenting as “COACHING” and that discipline isn’t about punishment but coaching our children on the right way to behave.
It’s obviously explained much better in the book and is definitely worth the read but that’s the best I’ve got from it.
Isn't that just telling your child how they're feeling though, and not really giving them a chance to actually understand their feelings? Like, what if the actions undertaken weren't because they're angry that you didn't let them play outside :/
She said the book explains it better, the theory is sound she may not have given the best explanation though.
Yeah like I said, I can’t explain it as well as the book and probably gave shit examples but that was the gist.
I just know a few months back feeling overwhelmed with the fact my son kept hurting his sister and I was beating myself about it and the book helped because it gave me heaps of perspective
Interesting, because I did one of those adult personal growth courses recently and they gave us a sheet with a million different emotions and said when you feel anxious/angry etc use the sheet to find the right emotions you are feeling. The theory was once you can name the emotions you can deal better, they aren’t so scary, so it makes sense for kids to do the same.
Do the teacher thing. She's naughty she has to go with you everytime you leave the room the twins are in. She misses out on playing