My husband is horrible with money. He has the attitude that if he wants something and doesn’t have the cash in the bank that he can just put it on credit. He has spent the entire 8 years of our relationship coaxing me into bad financial decision after bad financial decision.
We were swimming in debt until about 2 years ago when circumstances allowed us to pay most of it off. We had about 4K left. Now it’s back up to around 15k and he’s decided that he wants to buy a $40,000 car!
He’s been taking about it for a while and I’ve been telling him no. Now today we found out that we need to get our son a wheelchair that won’t fit in my current car. Obviously I need to up size. So he’s back on to the 40k car. I could literally get a decent second hand car that’s big enough for what I NEED for about 10k. My current car is worth around 8k so you know it’d almost be even. Instead he wants this stupid 40k car that is 10years old with 150,000klm because he WANTS it. When I say no he had a terrible habit of either pestering until he gets his way or getting angry and telling me that I always expect everything to go my way etc etc. Then after he has pestered or guilt tripped his way into getting what he wants, if it ever comes up again he will tell me that I agreed to it and not to blame him for our debt.
We don’t own a home and all I have asked for since we first met is to save for a deposit to buy a home. Still no closer and I literally think that while ever I am with him and he has access to our money that it will never happen. I don’t know what to do or if it will ever change? I am so sick of being guilted into bad financial decisions and then being expected to shoulder half the blame.
7 Replies
To be completely honest, you should be expected to shoulder half of the blame. Yes he is guilting you into it and wearing you down, but ultimately you are saying yes - this it’s not solely his fault.
Having said that, maybe it is time to see a financial planner and get a third party to work out a realistic budget and long term goals. Maybe it might be best to separate your finances completely. He clearly does not make good financial decisions (seriously, buying a car for 40000 that already has 150k on it is ridiculous!) so something needs to change.
You either need to:
1. hold to your no regardless of the pressure (“I have already answered no to this question” or “I am happy to discuss this further with a marriage counselor/financial planner present” etc)
2. He acknowledges that he makes poor financial decisions and (within reason) cedes control of the family finances to you. He gets no cards other than a prepaid or savings card that has his monthly quota in it.
3. You guys go your separate ways. Financial incompatibility is a major reason for divorces, resentment grows and the stress and fighting becomes too much.
Best of luck!
I don’t say yes, I just give up fighting with him about it and he goes and does it. He works as I had to stop work to care for our child who is disabled so really he doesn’t need me to get any of this credit.
I kind of agree with the other comment... you can’t just fold on this sort of thing and let him wear you down. You need to picture the future if things don’t work out. You are potentially going to be a single mum and regardless of who racked up the debt it is marital and you will be responsible for half the debt in the event of separation. This keeps up and the only option will be bankruptcy... won’t be good if you want to own a home anytime in life. Wish you all the best and hope you can get this sorted.
EDIT - Sorry I just read over this again and although this sounds a little on the harsh side. Explanation on why... I separated from my ex husband with a $5000 credit card that he racked up in my name and it took 4 years of my life to struggle to pay that back. That was not stress I needed while adjusting to being a single mum. Just would not want anyone to find themselves in that position. Just feel it needs to be nipped in the bud and fast.
I’ve been in a similar situation. I couldn’t handle the financial stress anymore. I quit. I put my money into my accounts, and made him pay his own way.
My husband was like this. He went bankrupt. I was then the sole financial manager. His habits didn't change. Got to the stage where he agreed for his pay to go into the joint account. He has no cards or internet banking. He rings me to pay MC over the phone when he wants to pay for something (even the physio, chemist). Has $50/wk for treats and this is cash. It wasn't till he recognised the problem, that he's agreed to such drastic controls.
To build his confidence I make sure he sees the credit card statement paid, he sees our savings growing, we make a big thing of choosing how to spend our 'fun' money, and he helps with research into family purchases so he's looking for value for money, etc (we recently had to get a new washing machine) It can be really hard, and has nearly ended our relationship more than once. I feel for you.
I actually think this is him being financially controlling, that goes on long enough and it very easily turns into financial abuse.
Take back some of that control sweet, do not agree to that 40k car (did I read correctly that it's second hand anyway? Ludicrous!) let him pout and lay the guilt down thick (he does that cause he knows you'll cave and he'll get his way) because you'll know in the long run you've made the smart choice!
I'd see a financial adviser too and look into getting your remaining debt consolidated so you can start repaying that.
Also, what's his mental health like? Reckless, impulsive and selfish spending habits can be associated with mental health, people often tend to spend up as a way to 'fill the void' so to speak, so this may be worth considering. Either way I think some counseling could be helpful, of course he'd have to agree and be interested in participating though.
Good luck
You are in the right. Spending money on cars is wasted money. Yes, a new car would be nice. I’m not showing off but I saved for a deposit on a house as a single mum. I now have two (mortgaged but affordable) houses. I drive an old bomb and live within my means . In the future both me and my son will have paid off homes.