Im having major issues with my step daughter and in desperate need of some advice. I don't even know where to start explaining so this may sound like a ramble by the end of it.
My partner and i have 4 children between us, he has 2 daughters from a previous relationship (12 and 9), i have a son (4) and we have a 4 month old daughter together.
Miss 9 is a bully, no easier way to describe it. She picks on kids at school, and she has a major vendetta against mr 4.
For example, she has told him he is ugly and disgusting and he should run away because no one actually loves him we just pretend. She has told him when he starts school next year all the big kids will beat him up until he ends up dead. She has told him to put a plastic bag over his head or she will not play with him anymore. She got caught cleaning the sink and floor with his tooth brush. She does things like ripping books and stealing food and then blames him. This is just a few of the most recent things aswel as hitting him and breaking his toys ect.
She also completly ignores me when i ask her to do something or not to do something and laughs when i tell her off.
We so far have tried time out, one on one time with me (took her out and spoilt her), one on one time with her dad, bribing her with outings or trests ect (which works until she gets the thing she has been promised),missing out on treats when the other kids get them. Nothing works!!
We have sat her down and explained that what she is doing is wrong and asked her why she is so disrespectful to me and why she is so mean to mr 4, ive told her that i love her very much and want to be able to spoil her but she will continue to miss out unless she stops the nasty behaviour.
She goes home and tells her mother that mr 4 is bullying her and that we let him (hes only ever hit back after shes hit him), which then starts arguments between my partner and her mother.
She has told her mother today she wants to kill someone or herself (not sure how the conversation came about). Ive been worried for a while now about her taking it to far and seriously hurting my son and now im even more concerned. She sleeps closer to his room then i do so while i can monitor what happens during the day im concerned about what will happen if i sleep.
Im so exhausted and dont know where to go from here, my partner acts outraged at the time of incidents but she knows if she starts crying he will calm down and have a chat with her and then itll all be over. It also seems when im angry at something she has done he finds a reason to have a go at my son kind of like a tit for tat situation.
My sons father is obviously upset by the incidents he knows about and I'm worried he will try take my little for full custody (him and i get on very well but he is sick of my son being picked on).
I feel like im failing to protect my little boy and would never forgive myself if something happened.
My partner and i are arguing so much that i dont even want to be around him.
How can i help everyone before something serious happens?
Step daughter issues
Step daughter issues
Posted in:
Behaviour
9 Replies
You need the parents to get there daughter to see a professional. This is beyond normal childhood behaviour (when you add it all together). The threat to commit suicide should have had everyone’s bell ringing to get her immediate psychological help.
Yes your son is in danger, but had nobody thought what this little girl is going through in order to make her behave this way.?
Get her some help, before this is a teenager you have no control over. If they won’t get her help, you need to take your children out of the home yesterday. Your son is being psychologically damaged and it’s your job to protect your child.
I would suggest she only comes to visit Dad when your son is at his Dads. See if she starts being mean to the baby, I guess that she is jealous or angry about the new family set up and taking it all out on your son. If this is true and she stops seeing him she will start on your baby. Or maybe you, but they will usually go for someone that they can manipulate and have the 'upper hand' over. Get her into the school psych for what she has been saying and ask if Dad can come in and have a chat about whats been going on at home.
She needs a child psychologist ASAP and I would be very vigilant and changing the sleeping arrangements in the interim. There’s always a reason behind the behaviour, you need to get to the bottom of it. She has obviously been through a lot of changes in the last few years, break up of parents, new step mum, dads kids, step mums kids plus you’ve even added an “our” kid to it all and that’s only on your side. If you are committed to the blended family, then you need to work through it with the professionals and I think you need to get her mum on side also. You are a much stronger, loving lady than me, I commend you for it, if someone did just one of those things to my boy, I would have been out like lightning, not having another. Step parents are amazing people, good luck to you.
F that, I’d be protecting my children! Get your son out of there before something does happen! Yes, your step daughter needs psychological help, however that is not a 4 year old’s burden to bear until it happens. If you do not protect your son, he might be the next 9 year old needing psychological help. If you cannot move out of your current home then I suggest having a very honest think about what is best for your son which I would suggest would be living full time with his dad right now.
Agree with comments. My first thought was send him to his dads when shes there. Let him know youre taking care of her and she needs help but short term temporarily you will do whats best for him and thats separate them.
Youll feel less shit and he'll trust you more knowing you'll make that call.
Thanks all for the replies so far.
I had told my partner today he needs to stay at his parents or a friends house when he has her and that i will not be looking after her alone anymore. He has her every weekend and i suggested cutting.it back to fortnightly so my son is at his dads but he has taken offence to it like im being unreasonable. I owned my house before he came along (prenuptial style paperwork has been done) so im not allowing this crap to happen to my child in his home. At first i thought i had maybe been to harsh today but your responses have confirmed im not over reacting.
She has been taken to a therapist before and they said she is fine. I have told him time and time again that the things she does is not normal and bordering on psychotic.
Most of these incidents have occurred when he has been at work, she can spend most of the day getting in trouble and laughing about it but the second her dad gets home she will start crying to make out shes been hard done by.
Ive taken videos without her knowing to show her dad as it was starting to feel like he didnt believe me, even his 12 year old pulled him asside and told him how impossible she was being. I cant even go out when i have her as she has thrown herself on the floor in the shops when she didnt get her way (she was 8).
She has been caught hitting our dogs aswel for no reason.. i really just dont know what else to do. Her mother believes my 4 year old is the one picking on her so trying to get everyone to be united to get her help seems impossible.
Im so close to calling it quits and i told him that today. Im 26 and feel like i heading for a nervous break down, i really am struggling to see the value of this relationship but feel like walking away means i won't be there to supervise when he has pur daughter and i worried she will be the next target.
Seriously, I know everyone wants to see the best in their child but how could they possibly think a 4 year old could bully a 9 year old. I find it hard to believe that a 4 year old could ever get the upper hand on someone 5 years older than them!
Stick to your guns. If he’s offended and wants to call it quits then that’s his call but your first and foremost responsibility is to your son. Your son is not her punching bag and he should not be expected to feel afraid and vulnerable in his own home. If your partner doesn’t want to deal with the problem properly then he can leave. I would say you need to start making detailed diary notes though as your partner is going to want visitation with your youngest child if you do separate and you need to be able to protect that child also!
I’m not having a go, I’m genuinely curious (as a single mum) why youwould have a baby with this man, given the current circumstances? This is literally my worst nightmare. If you leave, it’s going to be so much more complicated as you have a baby together, you can’t just go your separate ways. There’s so many posts on here about blended family problems and I just can’t understand for the life of me why people add more kids when all members of the current family are not comfortable/accustomed to the new dynamic. Blending a family takes time. I would be worried if I left, that this girl would hurt the baby in my absence, but I couldn’t stay in what is an unsafe environment for my little boy. He is in a dv relationship with this girl, it’s horrific and could leave scars (physically/emotionally) if you don’t get him out. It’s your job to protect your kids, I feel really sad for this little boy.
These kind of posts make me sad, not on your part IM, it sounds like you've been very accommodating but because this is a child who is very clearly suffering and her parents are sticking their heads in the sand.
Obviously you have every right to make sure your sons emotional well being and physical safety are being met, I hope miss 9 gets the help she needs though.