Morning mums,
I have a dilemma,
To give a bit of back story....
My partner of 2 years has 3 other children that live on the other side of the country, he doesn't get to see them because of work commitments and money
Now my partner pays weekly child support buys his children birthday and Christmas presents.
He said to me the other day he wants to regularly send the kids other money (he has a heart of gold)
Now my problem is our baby is due in 3 days and with us having to lean on his wages only ( I was working before I became pregnant) money has become tight and we can't afford to give money out willy nilly....
I told him they get enough that we can't afford to Be sending money so
The answer is no,
He says I'm being unreasonable am I?
EDIT: More Info
He pays $100 a week in CS, take home wages after CS and tax is $550.
Mum is single parent on full benefits (doesn't work and doesn't want to work) living with her sister and doesn't pay any rent/board just food and electricity for herself and the kids.. the kids are aged 8,5&4 go to public school and are all well in health
I have a 8year old myself to care for
My partner and I have a combined debt repayment off $500 per fortnight (we accumulated our debts in our previous relationship)
21 Replies
Having a partner with three children will impact your lifestyle. Its sad but true. I think birthdays christmas and child support is the bare minimum actually, if you split from him you would probably chane your tune. I undrrstand you have concern for your life and baby, but he has 4 kids. What if he flew them across for regular visits. Plus he would fly there to collect, back with them, there to drop off and back again himself.
Christmas and birthday presents, really? You count that, I send them to my nieces and nephews interstate, these are HIS kids. Three kids are very expensive! For me, there isn’t enough info to justify if you are being unreasonable. It would depend on a lot of factors, like if he’s paying 300 a week cs, I think that’s enough, but if only say 100, he probably should. Also other factors would be, is mum single, doing it tough or does she have a partner with a good income? Do they go to private school, do they excel at expensive hobbies? Do they have any medical issues that cost for treatment? Are they teenagers or toddlers? Bare in mind, in most cases, child support is the bare minimum. The non custodial parent usually gets it pretty good, when it comes to child expenses, I would weigh all this stuff up.
You are being unreasonsble. At the moment he is doing the absolute bare minimum as a dad. And if I was his kids I'd be pissed! He'd be in danger of me saying thanks for nothing dad, don't bother visiting next time.
When you get in a relationship with someone who has kids you have to expect that there will be a lot of expenses and kids get more expensive as they get older. So he wants to do something nice for his kids, that's the right thing for him to do. At the moment he's been getting off cheaply!
You are going to be hit with some nastiness with this question...
But not from me. I say stick to what CSA expect him to pay. If he feels as though he can afford to be paying extra why doesn't he put that money aside for airfares? He is probably feeling guilty knowing he is going to be spending lots of time with the new baby while he doesn't get to see the other three very often, and trying to compensate that void with money. I think everyone will benefit if the kids got to visit more often, or he went to them, which would probably be cheaper.
And gifts don't count as child support, my ex tried this, he would buy them things they needed for school for Christmas so he could claim it as Child Support, no no no.
He really did that? What a douche bag 😂😂😂
Yes😂. It was stupid because he could have spent half as much money on actual presents for Christmas, then bought the school stuff instead of child support the next month. But there was no way I was letting anything he bought them for Christmas go for Child Support, school stuff or not 😂.
What he pays would cover about a sport for each child each term.
He could send more to help with santa, easter, school fees in january, tooth fairy, tuckshop, new season clothes, swimmers, bikes etc. It wouldnt hurt, but there is no limit to it except budget. If your budget doesnt allow any more, sit down with him and look at it together and make a plan perhaps to start when youre back at work.
If she gets full rate i guess that its a private agreement? I would switch to CSA collecting, he will probably pay less because it seems a bit much for what hes earning.
The mums circumstances are irrelevant. She could be a monster but that’s irrelevant to what he should be doing. Its about what is best for the children. If he raised the children himself it would be dearer than $100 per week.
But he's not and CSA goes on percentage of wages etc. If she does not need the money and Dad is not in a position to pay more than the CSA amount then he shouldn't. She would be getting more than enough to raise her kids.
I'm going to go against the grain here and say I don't think you're being unfair.
He pays child support, he buys them birthday and Christmas gifts, you're on a limited income, the other 3 don't sound like they're hard done by, by any means - I actually think it may be guilt that's the motivation behind sending more money because he's not hugely involved in their lives (whether that's by choice or circumstances is irrelevant) but he can't just keep throwing money at them because that's a detriment to the family he's created with you.
So to put a different spin on this, he loves his kids. If you don't support him in his relationship with them, he will resent you.
Hmmmm...interesting.....So minimum wage is 672 a week, does your partner work part time? Or is he an adult apprentice? I’m not sure how you can afford to stop working and have a baby within that budget? Or do you plan on going back to work pretty quickly? If I couldn’t afford to see the three kids I did have, I wouldn’t be adding to it at this point. I think 100a week for three kids is nothing, I would also give more or save it to see them.
Exactly this
$550 take home. Add $100 child support and tax back in, I imagine this will put his actual pay at $860ish - over minimum wage.
Yes good point, forgot to add back tax.
I think you need to look at needs and wants.
You guys right now need his income, I won't go into how foolish that was as I'm sure right now you've realised it but it is what it is.
His kids don't need the extra right now. A single mum of 3 in my area pulls in more per fortnight than my fully qualified tradie partner, if we didn't both work we'd be broke as fuck. Tell him you understand it would be nice to be able to send extra but it's a want not a need.
Compromise. Go back to work as soon as you can, you're going to have to anyway and budget family finances to put money aside for him to see his kids. If the two of you are a bit portable, maybe discuss moving more in their direction. He can't have moved away for money if he's only clearing $650 a week so there would be some room to have the discussion at least.
I’ve been here. Stop it now show him in numbers what she gets and explain what’s in your house and tell him although he wants to give the world your home comes first. Unless you been here no one can understand the strain. Yes you married a package but you also need to provide for your family. Child support is to cover kids expenses some mothers just use it to live rather than feed kids and cloth them etc. why doesn’t he send gift cards every now and then so they can get what they want or movie vouchers
I would be surprised if shes living with three kids rent free. Single parenting payment is enough to live ok on, but its not enough to cover anything more, huge christmases, holidays, travel, concerts, all the things three kids do in school holidays, braces, birthday parties. Those big costs just keep coming.
You cant give more that you have, but I also dont think its fair to assume shes living so comfortably that you dont need to do any more, theyre his kids.
He only pays $100 a week to support 3 kids and doesn't see them, wow! That poor mother who is doing everything on her own plus paying more than $100 a week for the kids expenses. No wonder she doesn't want to work, it would be pretty hard to juggle three kids, all their schedules and working on your own!
He also lives on the other side of the country and has abandoned his 3 kids, doesn't sounds like a great father to me. Go see your kids. Question is why is he having more children when he doesn't have anything to do with the kids he already has???
Yes you are being unreasonable! He has 3 other kids and pays only $100 a week in cs. He should definetly be sending them more money and paying for them to come and visit him during school holidays, long weekends etc! Saying that he doesnt see his kids due to work commitments and money is bloody sad! Poor kids!! Sounds like a loser to me. And you seem silly for having another child with him. Maybe he should get a better paying job to support all of his kids and maybe you should go back to work asap so he can give his other kids what they need from him.