So I’ve been with my partner for just over a year, we live together
His brothers partners have been around for about 6-7 years and are best of friends
I’m constantly left out of things. I try to be involved but I’m told it’s only for the aunties of the kids or for family :( I feel really hurt that I’m not allowed to
Go to birthday parties for my partners nieces. Yet I’m expected to buy a present for the kids
How can I get
More involved? I don’t expect to be called auntie but it would be nice if the kids used my name instead of uncles girlfriend :(
Edit my partner has spoken to
His brothers and their girlfriends about it.
20 Replies
What the actual? Hell no, sorry, but if your partner hasn't ripped his family a new one yet then there is a big problem.
Tread very carefully, they are bullies, this isn't about you or what you should do or shouldn't do.
Sorry you need to talk to your partner about the dynamics of this family. Find out specifically what makes someone invited to these things. Don't buy the presents. If your partner wants to buy presents that's his job.
He has spoken to them, they say oh course we will
Invite her 😒
He has spoken to his brothers too the brothers have no problem with me just the other girlfriends don’t want me around their kids :(
They are BULLIES. Stop trying. You don't want to be involved with them. I think it's shitty though that your partner keeps going if you aren't invited. Until he stops nothing will change
I can see two sides to this.
My sister has never really had a longterm, stable relationships and things seem to just end after about a year. When we had our baby, we were a bit unsure of how we wanted to approach the whole situation. We don't want people to just be in our child's life and then disappear, that is not something we want for our kid - which is a very personal decision. However, we do want to respect my sister and her current relationship. Is it that your partner maybe has had girlfriends in the past and it's ended and the kids have then had that person cut from their lives and they want to be wary? I could totally understand that. My sister is currently unsure of where this relationship is heading, they've split, got back together and are now unsure of if they're going to stay together. He's still coming to family events and it does make me a bit like hmm, do I really want you in my kid's life when you may just disappear? But I certainly wouldn't act upon it because I am just not that type of person. If it does end and she gets another partner, I wouldn't be accepting straight away and most certainly wouldn't want to introduce them to my kids without them being around for a while at least.
HOWEVER!
You've been together a whole year, that should be more than enough time for them to allow you into their lives and invite you to things. Particularly birthdays!!! Is it though that they're sending out invites to your partner (i.e. a text saying dinner on Saturday night, come over) and not sending it to both of you? Could you maybe try and give one of them a message and see if you can pop over without your partner and see the kids, or meet up for lunch one day? They may think that you're just not that interested or be struggling to find something in common for you. How often are you seeing them? Could you try and see them more often, even just for a dinner or something once or twice a month.
The invites are always texted to my
Partner and they won’t even add me on Facebook, he stopped going to family things if I’m not invited he told them it’s not fair
I think them not adding you on Facebook isn't an issue, I only just added my SIL after 6 years of knowing her.
I was still young, going out drinking, posting stupid stuff and I didn't need her to see that side of me :)
How do they treat your kid/s? (I am assuming you have them, apologies if you don't have any)
I don’t have any kids lol no offence taken.
They won’t give me their number or add me to Facebook. We are all bout the same
Age I think I’m younger by maybe 3 months so not because they don’t want me seeing bad things it’s likw they don’t want me to see ohotosof their kids
WOW okay they're total bitches. It can really make or break a relationship, I feel so bad for you :(
I have a SIL who is quite similar, despite being in her kids lives since well before they were born, being married, having my own kid she STILL won't acknowledge me as their aunty in case we break up!? I'm my husband's first and only partner too.. I wasn't even invited to Christmas when she hosted it and I still went, she told me I couldn't eat because she didn't cater for me. The kids referred to me as "husband's names girlfriend" despite me being wife, and I just corrected them with my actual name each time. When they got old enough they started calling me their aunty, and she'd correct them IN FRONT OF ME!!! It's quite funny how much effort she goes to and how much the kids just make their own mind up.
My husband always stands up for me, but it really is hard and has caused a lot of fights between us because I can't just say right cut her off or that's it. I always be the bigger person and go along to events and smile and wave type thing. But it is really tough to be surrounded by horrible people like them.
That sounds like just bullshit actually. There are not many times where someone cant be made welcome regardless of their title or closeness.
Id say they dont like you or are just happy in their own bubble.
If youre not invited to parties domt buy a present. It looks like youre forcing yourself where youre not really welcome, dont miss the signs.
They are the high school 'mean girls' all grown up! Honestly, you don't want to be more involved with people who actively exclude you from family activities.
If you and your partner have your own kids one day, they might welcome you into their little club (they might not), so I'd just try and be as polite as possible and just accept that this is the way it's going to be. In-laws can be funny like that...
Don't buy gifts, if your partner is expected to go to his nieces parties it's his responsibility to buy a gift.
I'd also correct the children when they call you Uncles Girlfriend, say something like "You remember my name don't you? It's *Jo*, I'd really like it if you called me that instead.
Also be aware of what they know - is he cheating or using you, abusive or volatile relationship, in which case they will not want to play the aunty game, it could be a warning for you if his family dont treat you well.
His brothers and parents are very accepting
He is a great guy :)
Its just strange because bitchy people will usually invite you and then freeze you out, they do it covertly but not inviting you is so openly mean. Is there any history and any reason his brothers and parents dont pull up these women?
Some people are just bitchy from the get go lol!
If there's anything positive to come from it, at least you know where you stand. It would worse I'd they were bitches behind your back but nice as pie to your face.
I remember in Primary School in our group of friends there was one girl who was just horrid. Whenever there was a birthday party coming up she would attach herself to the birthday child in the weeks before hand and somehow cause a rift between our group and make sure at least one didn't get invited, if anyone dared stick up for the one excluded they didn't end up with an invite either. After the party it would be the mean girl making amends with the one left out and then trying to blame the exclusion on the birthday child.
Sounds like I went to school with one of your boyfriends SILs 😂 They really need to grow up.
In the mean time act unaffected by it all. Don't get upset if you don't get invited. If boyfriend gets invited let him go and you go and do something really exciting. If you have kids take them to the zoo or something. If you have nieces and nephews on your side take them somewhere for the day too. If you have no kids go and do something that Mums can only dream of. See a movie by yourself, have a spa day, go to the pub for a meal and wine. Have a quiet laze at the beach.
Then update a public status about your amazing day and tag your boyfriend in it.
Start organising things outside of the birthday parties etc to get to know them. As it’s still early days they may be protective (I personally would never do this but they obviously are)
Maybe organise double dates and get to know each of them away from their clicky group. Do it with one couple at a time then maybe a bbq at your house (your territory) with his family. This way it’s you making the effort and not waiting to be invited to their occasions. They won’t be nasty when they are not with their side kicks and it might break down some walls. All the best 😊
Has your partner ever been involved with one of their friends? Sounds to me like they're jealous that something didn't work prior to you and are taking it out on you in the hopes you leave and he can re kindle with someone else?
Remember some people can just be dicks. Maybe stop trying. Go to family events that you're invited To, catch up and talk to his mum and the members of the family that make an effort and just forget the mean girls.
Hopefully they realise their behaviour is rediculas.
Sounds just like 1 of my sister in laws. My partner and I have been together 4 years and his neices still dont call me Aunty. We even have a child together. My other child from another relationship calls her Aunty as do both our other children. On my side my partner is known as uncle even though we arent married. The rest of his family accept me. I have learnt to take the high road 90% of the time when it comes to her but sometimes she annoys me enough that I will bite back.
You might just have to give it time, but if it was me, I’d have the kids for a sleepover and be the fun cool Aunty. My neices and nephews have never called me Aunty, I’m still very much connected with them.
If you spend more time with these kids and they ask you what you’d like to be called, then tell them, but I think it’s hard to compare when these other ‘aunties’ have (I’m guessing) known the kids their whole lives, compared to a new gf who’s only been on the scene for a year
You don’t need these bitchy women as friends. Stop trying so hard. You are connected because of who you all have partnered with, yeah it’s a shame it’s not all happy families but that shit is on them.
Hopefully your guy will have your back, but I’d certainly not be buying any presents when I’m not invited to a party!