Hi ladies and gents.
I have a 16 year old son who will be the death of me.
We have in the last year gone through some tough times. Hes dropped out of school but luckily has a full time apprenticeship.
My issue is he now has a girl friend. The girl friend is 20. He is 16. WTF. She has had issues with drug addiction and been hanging out with people that are not of good character if you know what i mean. She has no job in fact i dont think she has ever had a job.
I have tried the be friendly person. Lay down the law person. I have asked him to leave ( he did for 10 days and then asked to come home which he did).
My problem now is he finishes work she picks him up and he makes no contact for days on end. I try call and text and i get no answer.
I know that this person is just using him for money. ( she is always on the scrounge smokes takeaway ect)
I have tried calm conversations. To no avail.
Now i find out that last week he crashed her car wrote it off and spent the night in hospital. She has encouraged him to lie. He only has L plates. I spoke to her and all she does is laugh on has no idea on the seriousness of the situation.
What the hell is a 20 year old wanting with a 16 year old child.
What do i do? I know kids have to make their own choices but seriously this is getting way out of hand.
Any practical tips would be awesome
** Thanks for the comments. Gee i do sound bitter.
I must add i do quite like the girl in question. I dont like her choices. I feel we have a fairly good relationship. I have also set boundaries with them both. She stays over and is welcomed to our home.
The rules are
Ok mate. Before you come home. These are the rules.
1. Your room is to be kept tidy and cleaned once a week. Before you go out on the weekend. (Vaccum sheets changed and all surfaces wiped.)
2. You are to be home on week nights by 8 pm.
3. You are to let me know if you are not home for dinner.
4. You are to let me know if you are not coming home over night.
5. You are to ask if your friends can come over. They are to ask me if they want to stay over night. NO DOGS CAN STAY HERE. Regardless the reason.
6. Your board is now $100 per week. Paid each Wednesday with out prompt.
7. Clean up after yourself and put your washing out for washing. And put it away when put in your room.
Most of all a little respect wouldn't go a miss.
These are the rules. There is no compromise on these rules. So read, digest. Things are not going back to how it was!
And yep they are not being followed. Are they too harsh?
We have tried the counselling and he chose not to continue after 2 sessions.
Im upset with the lack of respect, the expectation that he can do what ever he pleases.
I get he is grown up. I get that he wants to be with her. What i dont get is niether of them feel that what they do impacts on everyone. Crashing the car is a joke to both of them. They skidded of a mountain ffs. And all the concern was a phone was lost.
There is so much to this saga.
Teen dating and behavior
Teen dating and behavior
Posted in:
Teenagers, Tips and Advice
15 Replies
Stop fighting him! You will push him away and he won't come to you out of stubbornness even if he wants to leave. Change your tone, be neutral and understanding to both of them. That might be a hard thing to do but the more you make it known that you don't like them together the more they will stay together to spite you. There aren't many 16 year olds out there that will end a relationship because their Mum said so. He is basically a young adult, you need to treat him like one before you lose him.
How does she have a car if shes never had a job?
She probably gets centrelink benefits, i know a lot of young people who live quite the extravagant lifestyle on their youth allowance/newstart payments with no intention of finding work or studying.
Sorry but is that a joke? Its like $200 a week if you're lucky
Nope. Not a joke!
I know so many 20 year olds (yes, I know them personally) who live off centrelink who drive around in nice cars, have $1000 iPhones and piss and smoke the rest of their cash up the wall. My brother is 20 and gets 490 a fortnight from centrelink.
Who knows, this girl might have inherited some cash, her parents might of bought her car but how this girl came to be in possession of said car isn't really the OPs main concern is it?
Their "lavish lifestyle" wouldn't come from centrelink benefits 😂. $490 a fortnight? A pack of smokes is $40 now. One pack a day for a fortnight is $480. Alcohol is not cheap either a carton of beer is $40 and that's a cheap one. To be pissing it up the wall they would have to be going through at least 2 a fortnight. They're over budget now just on smokes and alcohol. Maybe all these kids you know need to start giving budgeting advice because they're working miracles on the dole.
I asked how this girl got her car because it seems Mum has made some assumptions and decuded she doesn't like her because of age gap. I would have thought the money would have come from somewhere, especially one thats insured because that would mean its not a bomb. Maybe this girl is studying or something, but Mum has tried to make her sound horrible.
Actually it's $560 for a fortnights worth of smokes
She cant even keep centrelink. Shes too lazy to do what she needs to do to receive it. Good ol daddy paid for the car
Can you talk to her parents about this situation? Her car and lifestyle aside, surely they can see your concerns as a parent!
She probably doesn't receive anything because parents income is considered until 24 years. You really do sound bitter and I think you need to change your attitude before you lose your son.
Jesus guys, her lifestyle, her source of income or how much of it she gets isn't really the issue here.
This girl sounds like she's got a fair share of her own problems to deal with - though they aren't the issue at hand.
OP, you need to focus on your son. I'd actually consider contacting some professional services like headspace even contacting his old schools social worker for some advice. At the end of the day though, sometimes as a parent of a young person, all you can do is wait for the fall out and pick up the pieces.
This is tough, I think you do need to just back off slightly.
As gross as it is, it doesn't sound like she's doing anything illegal (the age of consent is 16 in most states).
Just let him know you love him and you're worried about him, I'd also be having a good chat about safe sex. The last thing he needs in for her to get pregnant (girls like this see babies as a source of income).
I think you need to draw your own lines in your mind. For eg, he can stay there as long as he pays board, is respectful and is either working or going to school.
He will have girlfriends you don't like, but as long as he follows the rules above, that's not your concern. I agree with above that you judging and hating on her will only push him away and to her.
But I also think that driving like an idiot is just so reckless. And he's on Ls. He could have killed someone, so I would just remind him that stupid decisions add up to a certain lifestyle. No licence = no apprenticeship, no job, a big debt to her, court costs, no girl etc etc. He's a hair away from being there.
sounds like he's rebelling, so if you go off about it he's just going to say dont let her find out. He's thinking nothing bad will happen to him, he's invincible and you're over the top. I would probably be really cold and calm and find something gross about car wrecks and destroyed lives and make him sit down and watch it.
I love those rules and no, they are not harsh at all.
You need to step back a little, don’t be all up in his business. The relationship between you has changed, he thinks he’s an adult now. So treat him like one.
Can you sit down with him and discuss each other’s needs and expectations, then write a bit of a housemate type contract. I’d stop cooking and washing for him. If he was in a house share situation he’d pay for his room, then pay his share of bills, buy his own food, cook his own meals and do all his own cleaning...
The girlfriend is off limits. He’s made a choice. Only when he sees you as someone he can trust and not a nagging mother, will he listen to anything you have to say.