About 10 days ago a lady put up a question asking about rent assistance after inheriting half ownership in her Fathers house with her sister now asking her to pay rent on said property. She was a carer for her Father before his passing and received many well thought out and constructive responses. There was also a black and white element to many of the responses- why should you get something for nothing? This has been playing on my mind and made me really wonder how much people really understand of the sacrifices and hardship Carers go through in order to support their loved ones. And it's this I would like to address today.
In an ageing society most of us at some point will have to face the often hard decisions involved in regards to what happens with our parents once they are no longer able to care for themselves or remain on their own. Do we place Mum/Dad in a Care Facility, do we sell the family home, do we uproot our life in order to move in with them and become their Carer, do we bring them into the fold of our family, do we take turns and shuffle them around between siblings or does one sibling take on the bulk of the work... There are so many things to consider and no 'one solution fits all' answers. These decisions can be thrust on us suddenly if Mum/Dad who has up until now have been going great guns has a sudden fall or illness which changes their circumstances and we haven't discussed what will happen when the time comes.
Regardless of the circumstances, when one person takes over the role of Carer it usually has a profound impact on their life. Careers are scaled back, put on hold and sometimes if the care drags on for years and even decades careers are forgone altogether. Career opportunities fall by the wayside. The opportunity to build up Superannuation for your own future is affected. Your income is halved when often you still have the same level of bills and debt as you did when you were working full time. Travel plans are put on hold, or maybe it's the new car or the new house or the even just the yoga class you used to take once a week. Partners are affected- even the most loving, respectful and dedicated relationship will experience strain and frustration. Social lives are impaired, friends disappear - being a Carer is often an isolating situation. If you have young children or teenagers their lives will also be influenced by the needs of your elderly parent. Someone who is very ill or withdrawn may not feel up to having a bunch of kids running around for playdates. And if you can't leave your parent home alone then rule out having that playdate (coffee and chat) at someone else's house too. Children are portable, elderly people not so much. These are just some of the many scenarios that can result from the decision to become a full time Carer. And all of the above will have an effect on your own mental health.
So often in this forum we have Mum's writing in to tell us how overwhelmed they feel, how lonely and isolated they are, how tired they are from the unrelenting constancy that is being a Mum. We show them so much compassion. Lets extend that to the carers in our life. Being a carer is in so many ways much the same as being a toddlers Mum. Life is about routine, there's less hours of washing but more hours of sitting in Doctor's waiting rooms each week, it's answering the same question 30 times a day while trying to maintain the same even tone, it's turning down dinner with friends because you can't go out after five and you can't afford it anyway. It's making sure there's always English Breakfast tea in the house because they won't even consider Earl Grey. On the upside they are less likely to care that their sandwich was cut into squares not triangles!
The burden of care overwhelmingly falls on women. And whilst obviously caring for a loved one can be a very fulfilling experience and teach children valuable life lessons the reality is , it's not easy. It's not my intent to make assumptions about the lady whose situation was described above. She was merely the instigator for my train of thought. I am not asking a question here today. Rather I would hope to create a little understanding and respect for what is essentially a very undervalued role in our society. If you are a Carer I say to you, thank you and you are amazing. If you are one of the lucky siblings with a sister (or brother or sister in law) doing the bulk of the caring for you, I would ask you to really stop and consider the sacrifice being made- not just for your Mum or Dad... but also for you. Think about what you could do to make that persons life a little easier or better yet... ask.
1 Replies
Exactly what you said.