So my Partner won't discipline his son or talk to him about anything. He is 8, he shat today & left poo all over the toilet seat, didn't flush his poo. He must of run out of toilet paper, then went into to our ensuite, left more poo on the toilet seat & poo on the outside of the shower screen.
I had to clean it all up.
My 12 yr old showed me (discreetly) as she didn't want to upset her step brother, she saw him leave the toilet. He denied it.
Dads response was oh well, will never know who did it. He will never face anything his son does, he will never talk to him or punish him when needed (obviously this instance no punishment wasn't needed.)
How do I help them ? How do we stop my step son lying and how do I get my partner to face it head on. It's always the case, I've watched my step son hit my kids, he denies it, he hides food, then denies it, tells heaps of made up stories. Is this normal behavior for a step child ? (We don't use the term step in house & in every way we try to help him feel comfy when his with us.)
16 Replies
Sounds to me like its trained behaviour. One little denial and it all goes away, or admit it and get in trouble or clean up shit?Hes learnt to be like this and you need to look at your partner for the solution.
Are you actually married? As you say partner and then step son...
My advice may not be popular as it is not your stepsons fault that he is the way he is... but your first responsibility is to your children. They do not deserve to grow up in this household. Unless your partner is willing to step up or even recognize his parenting faults then it may be best that you reside in separate households or even split up.
I’m guessing the response will be “but I love him”.... the reality is that love is not enough. You may love him, you may love who you think he is or who he could be... the reality is that he is a lazy parent who is unmotivated, avoids conflict and is showing you who he is. Right now the child is 8, the teenage years only become harder. Is he going to ignore any underage drinking? Rug sweep any drug use? Is he capable of modeling adult behaviors?
What does it matter if they are married or not? If she takes on a step parent role then thats what she is, she doesn't need approval via a piece of paper for that status.
Sorry I should have been more clear - I meant, if they aren’t actually married then it would be easier for her to separate. I could care less about the piece of paper or status.
Could he have had diarrhea? Why didn't he feel comfortable yelling out for toilet paper? Why does he hide food? All this worries me because they are things children shouldn't be doing in a house they feel comfortable in. Little lies etc are to avoid getting in trouble, somewhere along the line it sounds like he has gotten into a lot of trouble for small things and has learnt to lie to avoid it. Whether thats from you, Dad or another caregiver that will have to be worked out.
He had solid poo, his an anxious child but I'm unsure why he dles what he does. He isn't denied food, if he doesn't eat it etc.
He stays once every 3 wks.
He is raised by extended family, they say there free range parenting. His Dad never tells him off. So it can't be from here
OK, toileting mishaps and anxiety often go hand in hand with children.
I know how frustrating it is, I've been dealing with it for 2 Years but the poor boy needs love and understanding, not discipline.
His life sounds fairly chaotic, he probably really needs some professional help.
Dad needs to get back in the game, the current arrangements are simply an unacceptable way for a child to be raised. Your red flag for dad’s ability to parent is the child is being raised by people who aren’t the parents, and he only has him every three weeks. Sounds like dad is incapable or totally uninterested in being a proper parent.
This kid sounds like he has had a terrible start to life.
Dad works away & the extended family only allow one night a weekend, when his home.
Mum was M.I.A for yrs & only just came back on the scene. Dad doesn't want to take away his sons only constant, which is the extended family.
I'm aware of that, I just wanted his Dad chat to him about it today.
I couldn't even suggest counselling for him because I'm just the step parent. His extended family, don't believe in it & his Dad doesn't want to face the issue. Hence why I'm seeking suggestions on here.
How do you help the poor kid, when no ones listening?
Anxiety would certainly explain the poo thing, poor little thing. If he only comes once every three weeks and has anxiety, discipline is certainly not the answer. He sounds very uncomfortable at your house, hiding food, telling lies is just fear and your attitude toward him, honestly, came out in your post. Read it back, I’m just being honest, it reads like step son is a problem/inconvenience and he would definitely pick up on that. You obviously care a lot about him or you wouldn’t have written in, I think you need to help him establish his place in the family. Everyone needs to feel like they belong and it is hard when you only come once every three weeks. If they are free rein parents and you are more about rules, this kids head would be spinning, not knowing what is what. I think baby steps, lots of one on one time with dad, to build a foundation and then later, you can spend some quality time with him. Dad needs to step up and build a relationship with his son and definitely lots of communication between visits, like FaceTime, phone calls, Skype etc. so he isn’t starting at zero every three weeks.
Also, if dad has him one day every three weeks, he’s not going to want to spend his time disciplining him and probably thinks that will make things worst. The only solution is thatndad has more times with him and it isn’t up to the extended family to make the rules, dad needs to take them to mediation and get a more fair custody agreement or he will end up having a stranger for a son.
He sleeps over but I can understand. I think I'm more frustrated at my partner, that's the resentment you have picked up on. 6 yrs of opinions and advice falling on deaf ears.
I'm not sure how to help my step son feel more comfy, he has his own room, own toys, own bike, own TV etc. I show him the same amount of love, I show my other kids, I plan all our family days out etc.
Also dad speaks to him everyday while his away
Wow, he has it great at your place, seven years and my son has nothing at his dads!! You sound like an awesome step mum ❤️ If dad rings everyday, he obviously cares and isn’t what some have described as a disinterested parent. Could it be that he feels guilty he has such little custody and the fact that his ex has been an absent mother, also appreciates the extended family for stepping up, so just doesn’t want to deal with those strong feelings. So he buries his head in the sand, rather than dealing with those feelings of guilt. If he isn’t happy with the arrangement, I would talk to him about working with the extended family in increasing his time. You may meet some resistance with them, as they feel they have done the heavy lifting and see it as a personal attack against them. You could frame it like....you guys have done the most amazing job and I will always be grateful but it is time that I shoulder some of the responsibilities of raising my son....I think until dad feels like he is an active parent, he may not step up with dealing with issues, feeling like he doesn’t have the right. I think you jut need more time with the kid, you are obviously doing everything right, but a kid with anxiety can’t get comfortable when it’s such limited, irregular time.
Dad needs to get his head out of his butt. You need to talk to your partner about why he does what he does.
You need to explain the long term effects of not confronting a child’s behaviour and putting consequences in place.
Ok so now I'm thinking dad is scared to rock the boat. He possibly doesn't feel like an active parent and had taken a step back. theres not much you can really achieve in one day every three weeks. Except to try to make it go nicely. I think dad needs to understand that the boy needs him to step up and that probably means increasing visits as well.
I think having a poo incident in another family's home would be embarrassing for anybody, add an older girl, I can understand. But there is a breakdown in communication with the dad. Why didn't he tel his dad and get help? Mostly, why did the dad not discuss it with him at all? Nothing? Your daughter did a really nice thing being covert about it though.