Hi sisterhood of imperfect Mums
What would you do
I have 2 kids with my ex
Doesn’t pay child support
Kids are 6 and 9
Moved os in 2016 cause he wanted to
Called three times
Seen them twice since leaving
He refused to pay any debt in the relationship & just left. Leaving me with $670k of debt n no way to pay it all. I could afford half but not all. I’ve lost my house n my car n savings because of him. I love pay check to pay check and have gone bankrupt because he “was bored with dealing with finances from the marriage “
He lives overseas & has spent the last 5 weeks on holiday with his new gf n her kid. I get no child support & I have the kids 100% as he is OS. He says he is coming to Australia but I’m so angry at him. He has not contributed to my kids costs, since November and his new gf gushes of how he is hardworking m a great provider while my kiddies sit here missing out on stuff I can’t afford n he waltzes around spending money n leaving his kids with old shoes, no new uniforms and I borrowed money to meet their back to school costs.
He wants to come in three days see them n then leave again for who knows how long
13 Replies
Nope that's not parenting. Figure out how to get him to take half the debt legally, and claim child support from him. Actually amazed he would show his face. Let him know why not and cc the girlfriend into the message.
Not because he doesnt pay child support but because he did them over and left them in a hole and doesnt give a shit.
I’d tell him if he wants to see his kids he’ll need to take you to court! Well that's my snap judgement.
But I'd probably in this situation ask the kids what they want. 'Hey, your dad is in the country wants to spend a couple of days with you, what would you like to do?'
There dad is a dead beat but he's still there dad.
Disagree. Kids don't always know what's good for them. Kids can spend 10 years away from a father and still will run at the name 'dad' they will be excited and then they will get hurt and then she will be dealing with the fall back. My ex spent 2 years away from ourson and he doesn't wonder where he was 😐 just goes yay daddy and I fear he will be hurt. Since he only plans to stay 3 days I think she should refuse. It's not like he's trying to actually make an effort
Sorry but I would keep all that stuff separate to his contact, as much as it sucks. My ex is similar goes months without seeing them then decides he wants to see them, I always leave the decision with the kids and would never not let them go because he doesn't pay child support etc. My kids are learning for themselves what kind of person he is and I can never be blamed for him not having a relationship with them.
I would have rather my mum had kept me from contact with my dad. The memory just hurts and it stays with a child.
My parents separated when I was 9, my dad also left my mum with a heap of debt and rarely paid child support, his visits were also pretty sporadic.
My mum would often deny him visitation (which as I said was limited to begin with) because of the financial side of things, it really only hurt us kids!
So my advice is to seek legal advice in regards to money he owes you but keep that issue separate from the visitation issue.
If they want to see him, I'd let them - for their sake not his!
I think thats very unfair on your mum. She didnt go out of her way to make him a dropkick absent dad that was all his choices.
I assure you, the only people it was unfair on was my brother and I.
I can remember one time my father crying at the door because my mum wouldn't let him see us, simply because he hadn't paid child support, this is one of many incidents.
I am well aware both my parents were responsible for their own choices, the point I'm trying to make is that keeping children away from their fathers because of finances is unfair. That's an adult issue and kids shouldn't have to pay the price because of it!
He haa no right to come and cry at her door. She had a house for you he didnt I think its hard on your mum.
I would agree if money was the only thing, but theres so much more here, he's flitting in and out on his own schedule, living it up while theyre in poverty, and being unreliable and absent is another matter. There is a point where the active parent is advised to protect their children from this as it is bad for them.
I get that, the children's emotional well-being should be the only priority in these situations and I understand full well how this kind of inconsistency can be an issue too, however in this particular post, the main focus appears to be on the financial side.
Like I said, if they want to see their father I don't think they should be denied that unless there's a good reason.
The financial side of things is an adult problem. Restricting access creates a problem for your kids. Separate the 2 if you want happy children
I'd leave the decision up to the kids. Yes it absolutely sucks what he is doing, however withholding them from him only hurts your children and you don't want them resenting you for that.
I think though that you already know that based on your title of the topic, so:
- I'd allow the dad to see the children pending they want to see him.
- Make it clear to him that you will be going to court to claim child support and he custody rights if he isn't willing to agree to doing so amicably.
- Chat to the kids and don't tell them the adult side of things, just be clear that their dad is coming to town in a few days and would like to see them. Ask if they'd like to see him and just let them know that he isn't coming around permanently, it is just as for a quick visit.
We need to give kids credit that they can see straight through people who let them down and eventually they'll tire of it.
This is a tough one. Think about what the consequences might be in years to come as they get older. They may as teenagers want to reconnect with their father. I would do my best to ensure neither he nor any future partners of his could ever say "I wanted to see you but your mother wouldn't let me". At their young age, they will think that the main reason they don't see their dad is because he lives so far away. They do not need to know anything at all about the finances, what the other child gets etc. Those are adult issues and would be too heavy a burden for them.
I was raised to believe my adopted father did not care about me. As an adult I have discovered that was not true. I feel a certain amount of anger and feel somewhat ripped off.
Be the bigger person. Your children will thank you for it down the track.