Hi imperfect mums.
I need to tell my best friend that her son has got an eating problem. However her GP told her not long ago that her son was obese and she was very upset and confided in me that she doesn't feel her son is overweight let alone obese. She says her son is stocky not fat and that she could never let him go to bed hungry. She has admitted whenever her son asks for food or drink she will give it to him because she hates the idea of him being hungry. This has been going on since kindergarten, her son is now 7 and eat's like a machine. I recently had her son have a sleepover with my son at our house and I was astounded at how much he ate.
He had 2 hot dog rolls with sausages in, 2 sausages on there own, a bag if chips, a ham and cheese sandwich, an apple and a full popcorn tub of popcorn in a 2hr period... then before bed he told me he was so hungry that his stomach hurt. š¶ I politely explained that maybe his stomach at hurt because they had eaten so much that evening for dinner and while they watched a movie. He was adamant that he was hungry and so he had another 2 sausages and a bowl on yoghurt. At this point I was eating my dinner and he asked me if you could have what I was eating because HE WAS STILL HUNGRY. How can a 7yr old be that hungry...? I made him drink a glass of water. I explained to him that it isn't healthy for anyone to eat so much food especially before bed. He got upset and said I was being unkind, so I just explained I wasn't being unkind and that for anyone whether it was me or my son or him it wasn't healthy to eat too much food. At no point did I use any words that would be offensive because I would hate to destroy his confidence. I know that this eating is an ongoing issue even that has home as I have seen it.
Now I know a lot of you are going to tell me that he is a growing boy. If he wasn't as big as he was I would completely agree, but he's a very big boy and so all this eating isn't helping him grow upwards the right way. I love him to bits and he's very special to me, his mum is my best friend and our kids get on so well often having sleepovers and weekends together. I really want to tell my friend that this isn't normal before it gets even more out of hand but I'm worried about the backlash. Even my friend has said that at home he will have two or three serves of brekky and dinner. I don't want to lose my friend but at the same time I don't want her child to grow up unhealthy and insecure. I was putting the boys in the shower and he didn't want to shower, when I asked him why he said because he didn't want anyone to see his tummy. Even getting changed he didn't want to get undressed, so I explained that I was happy for him to have his privacy. But he came out and said he didn't want to change because his pyjamas shirt was too tight on him and everyone would see his tummy. So he is starting to notice that he's different.
Please don't attack me for putting this forward, I just want some helpful advice on how to approach the situation. Do I say something? And if I do how do I say it without causing my friend pain? Or do I just leave it?
Thanks
11 Replies
Well, I think that telling your friend shes doing wrong and she just needs to stop overfeeding him is quite judgmental and oversimplified, it doesnt solve her problem. Same for talking to him about thr quantity hes eating. You may use nice words but the message is still shameful and its not your place.
She, unlike you, has a child that always feels hungry. Not feeding him because hes had enough will not solve that but I imagine would cause huge distress for them both. Its not a solution.
I suggest empathising with her and supporting her in understanding her situation without implying you could do better and she can just stop it.
Be someone that helps her find information and professional advice, but most of all trust her and support her.
Encourage her to see a dietitian (APD) who can tell her about appropriate portions, hunger/fullness prompting etc. it would be better coming from a professional.
This is a bigger issue than a child who eats too much. Do you know your friends history and childhood background? Did she come from a background where she didn't have access to enough food?
Be gentle with your friend, going hardcore won't help.
I'd start by telling her about her sons upset about his tummy etc. don't make it about food. Make it about how the son is feeling because that's what's more likely to get her attention, rather than shutting her down.
Open a dialogue, get a conversation going. When you think she is ready suggest she get some help from a dietitian and possibly psychologist. Remember she is going to have to face some huge tantrums from her son if she tries to put her foot down now. If her son eats for reasons other than hunger he is going to have to learn some replacement behaviours. Easier said than done
I think however you have the conversation she is going to be defensive - but I think for her and her sons sake it is a conversation that needs to be had.
I would also mention perhaps seeking proper medical advice about how her son says he is still hungry. Either itās a psychological issue or perhaps some other issue where the brain is not listening to the stomach or something because there is no way a medically well child who has eaten that much food (thatās is literally more than grown working men eat) can still feel hungry. Something is surely up.
My cousins son is the same age as my son and he's obese. I'm not close with my cousin so I'd never say anything because it wouldn't go down well coming from me but it's so heartbreaking seeing how debilitating it is. He can't run or play like normal kids, he is completely out of breath doing basic things like climbing into the car, going up a ladder in the playground or getting up on the trampoline. He's also very self conscious!
There's a few things I see here:
1. Mums denial - she's not blind, she sees it too. That's where the defensiveness comes from.
2. I'm curious as to whether he may have a diagnosable health issue. The way you describe it, it doesn't sound like he's eating out of boredom, habit or as a coping mechanism. He seems to feel as though he genuinely is hungry.
I think you need to tackle this delicately but at the same time no sugar coating it either. I wouldn't come from an angle that focuses on his weight but a health aspect. Something like...
"I noticed when we had "Tom" stay for a sleepover, he seemed to be excessively hungry and no amount of food seemed to satisfy him, he ate so much I was worried he'd make himself ill. I'm quite concerned there might be something going on medically. It might be worth discussing it with your doctor. Please don't take this as an attack, I love Tom and I'm a bit worried about him".
There's really only 3 outcomes no matter how you put it though. She'll either (hopefully) take on board your concerns, she'll dismiss your concerns or she'll get upset but you really need to say something because this is neglect at the end of the day. I know that's an uncomfortable truth but it's a fact.
I don't think doing nothing is ever the right course of action when there's a child suffering.
Firstly.
Does he have worms?! Itās possible there is an underlying issue such as worms, thyroid or even mental.
Secondly,
Iād educate her. Slowly. I have the same issue as you, and this is how Iāve tackled it...
Iāve gone on outings with them, and said āIāll pack the food!ā
I take them out ALL DAY!! This week weāve been to a blueberry farm, a strawberry farm, a farmers market, a kids play centre and the beach.
Iāve packed water for drinks, sandwhiches, wraps, fruit snacks, carrot snacks, zucchini slices. I included a bit more than usual, then slowly started reducing.
Weāve used farm tours as education, and exercise. Itās given them opportunity to buy thins at a cheaper price, and this week Iāve booked everyone in for cooking lessons!! Itās a kids cook thing and the theme Is āreturn to schoolāso packed lunches.
Sounds like he may have Prada Willy Syndtome?
I was thinking the same thing, maybe printing off some info/symptoms of this and seeing if any of it fits then sharing it with your friend?
Unlikely to be prader-willi as it almost always occurs with intellectual disability and delays. That would have been picked up by a GP and peadiatrician by now.
As a gentle start could you encourage your son and her son to join a sporting club together?
Is he on any medications?