Have been with partner for year and half he has 5 year old I have almost 4 year old both girls. In the past year my daughter has /scratched/pushed his daughter maybe once a month for various reasons due to getting bossed around a lot, being spoken to in a mean way, getting told off by her instead of me doing it ect but sometimes it’s becauae she doesn’t want help with a certain thing and she keeps at her. She doesn’t do this with any other child and his daughter has been subject to this from at least 5 other kids in past year also for bossiness ect. My question is how do I get my daughter to stop? I tell her it’s not ok to hit and try and explain to the other child she can’t boss her around so much ect but it’s just a never ending cycle. The dad is now being protective of his daughter and saying I have to take more drastic measures to scare her off from doing it and he feels he’s not protecting his daughter enough by just letting her get hit.
I’m at my wits end because we both aren’t working as a team I need strategies that can get through to her?
I know hitting is never the way to go but sometimes when I hear the way his daughter speaks to my child.. she kind of deserves it.
What am I meant to do in a situation like this, we have just moved in together 2 months ago so needs to be dealt with or our relationship will have to end.
My child scratching partners child
My child scratching partners child
Posted in:
Kids
14 Replies
I agree with your partner, it isn't nice to see this happening.
Are you only talking to her? Have you enforced any discipline when she does this? I.E, sitting in the naughty chair, having an item taken away from her or anything similar? You don't need to scare her but you do need to act upon it and find something that works for you both. You could have a rewards chart - one for each girl. Applaud caring and kind behaviour, discipline bossiness or hurting others. Take away stars for negative things. Make them work together to achieve a goal (maybe a trip out to Cold Rock icecream, McDonalds for dinner).
Totally agree it wouldn’t be nice to see happening either side. And when your partner then says next time she does it he’s going to knock her down.. that’s also not right.
The awards charts is a great idea thank you!! I will def use that.
Wow, partner would be getting told you dare knock her down and you'll get absolute hell. That's not even ok for him to threaten.
These sound like normal childhood interactions to me between siblings. A great way to break the cycle is to ‘shadow’ the girls when they are playing. Pulling his daughter up on her behaviour in the moment, there for breaking the bossiness cycle and also teaching your daughter what to do when the bossiness gets to her, eg come find mummy, walk away.
There is very little point in telling them what to do after the event because they need to practice the new skill when the unwanted behaviour would normally occur.
Also make sure both kids are getting 1:1 time with bio parent.
Thank you this is true and I have done this a few times but nothing seems to change. It gets to the point now where my daughter takes it then one day snaps and has enough.
I really wish we had more 1 on 1 time with the kids our selves but atm being at the other partners every second weekend as we have them both full time almost and we both work different hours so it’s hard to juggle.
That’s the point, it absolutely shouldn’t get to a point where your daughter snaps. She shouldn’t be putting up with it for a day, you should be shutting it down when it begins, not letting it go on so long. You need to actively parent these kids.
Yep, the accumulative effect of bossiness is real. So it needs to be dealt with every single time, wether your daughter snaps or not.
I would try and nip it before it starts. As soon as you notice his daughter acting bossy you need to tell her to stop. Stop what you are doing, look her in the eye and say, "Stop. You are being bossy and ____ does not like it. Leave her be." You also should separate them where possible and maybe give his daughter special errands to side track her and make her feel like she's helping, kids with her personality love it.
I find that normally it’s an on going thing though like normally my girl will just take it then next time she snaps which is what can happen with adults too. They have both been pulled up on there behaviour numberous times but nothing seems to change.
Totally right about the errands she does LOVE helping with everything so maybe that’s a good way to distract her.
She shouldn’t have to take it. Someone needs to step in every time, that way your daughter won’t get to the point that she does snap, because nobody is protecting her.
This is a time where you can set some general expectations, like you do your own not each others. Set them out a distance apart too. Do sharing activities when youre there and give them each different jobs and praise how nice it is doing things together nicely and being kind to each other. You dont tell each other what to do. You dont help the other or do what theyre doing for them unless asked. You dont comment on what the other is doing unless its kind.
Protecting his child also means helping the interaction. If things were reversed would he be ok with you coddling your child and telling him to be harsher in sorting her bossiness out? Give him that to think about.
As for your daughter. She's at the age where she doesn't have the vocabulary, she uses her hands to get what she wants. You sure can help her to say STOP loud and be there to supervise, and I think it will just take a lot of supervision and guidance.
Set the boundaries with the older one for her bossiness and being In the young ones space, and give the young one words to say to get her own space (and you get in there beforehand as well) before it gets to the pushing and hitting stage.
You need to teach your daughter how to deal with bossy people, there will be bossy people at school or daycare, the workforce, life in general. No one likes a bossy boots but you can't go around physically hurting them lol.
This sounds like very common behavior though, particularly in girls. My own daughters are very similar, miss 8 can be very bossy I often tell her "miss 6 is not your slave, worry about what you're meant to be doing".
You'll never be able to stamp out miss 5s bossiness completely AMD you wouldn't want to, it's part of her personality but dad needs to open his eyes and see her bossiness is extending into nastiness and that's where it becomes a problem (especially seeing as she's having this reactio6 from other kids too).
He needs to chanel the natural born leader qualities she possesses into a more positive direction so she's not pissing people off all the time.
Basically, behavior adjustments need to happen on both sides, including the children and the adults because this isn't all one sided and I see a bit of defensiveness coming from you both.
You both also need to accept that there are going to be conflicts sometimes and how to deal with them.
Spend more time supervising when the girls are together. Model good communication skills and if either one is mean or hurts the other one, then have the same consequences for each of them. You gotta have the same rules, so not playing favourites