My 16 year old daughter refuses to participate in anything we do as a family. She is only nice to me when she is getting exactly what she wants and that is usually being out with her friends or if it involves me buying junk food or spending money.
I am over the hurtful and disrespectful treatment from her.
What are appropriate ways to discipline her when she is being nasty?
How can i make family time more appealing?
I miss her.
4 Replies
I can remember clearly when I was 16 and started to be like this. Perhaps you can ask her to decide what she would like to do as a family? Say okay this weekend it’s your choice what we do (within reason and cost etc)
From 16 I started distancing myself from my family as all I wanted to do was hang out with my friends, thought I was sooo grown up and I was started to feel more independent.
My parents tried everything to discipline me, even grounding me which I stuck out the window at night to be with my friends anyway.
I don’t know what you can do in regards to discipline, perhaps just talk to her and tell her how much you love spending time as a family with her although you understand she loves spending time with her friends, so every few weekends ask her what she would like to do, take her out as a family and do that. Ask her to invite her friends over, put on movies, buy them junk food and leave them alone to giggle and be teenagers all night at home. Just try understand she will always love her family although she will gain more and more independence within herself everyday.
If she is still at school and expects you to pay for things for her friends, maybe ask she get a part time/ casual job after school so she can make her own money, and also pay for her own stuff when she sees frjends. My mum did this and although I only worked one day after school a week as a grown up I am so independent and have learnt if you want things in life you need to work for it. My mum went with me to look for jobs for support although waited outside as I handed out resumes, she contributed and supported me to get a job instead of throwing me out on my own to go get one when I had no idea how. I’m not too sure although disciplining teenagers can be a battle sometimes, you just need to try be on her level, see it’s normal, suggest that this ‘x’ weekend she can go do something as a family, even for the day then you can see your friends tomorrow.
Honestly, don't force the family time. She's 16, I can remember being that age too. The last thing I wanted to do was hang out with my family. So unless it's a significant family occasion (granny's 90th birthday or something for example) don't force it because it won't be enjoyable for anyone. Give her the option instead, eg "We're going to do this on Saturday, do you want to come?".
As for the disrespect and rudeness, don't ever give in to her demands when she does it, have a consistent consequence for it too (I'd suggest no going out with friends as that I imagine would hit her where it hurts - and stick to it!) and don't react to it with anger or hurt because that gives her power. I said something awful to my Mum one day, fully expecting her to flip her lid and she looked at me and calmly said "I'm sorry you feel that way, maybe we can talk about it when you feel like behaving like an adult". It certainly made me think.
I really think 16 year old girls are the most entitled people on the planet lol (generally speaking of course), I would stop doing so much for her, I'd stop doing her washing, I'd stop driving her anywhere that wasn't essential, stop paying for any luxuries, I'd giver her more responsibilites around the house etc.
She may start treating you better once she realizes how much you do for her.
Hang in there, she will grow out of it eventually with your guidance but not if you enable it!
My sil has the same issue with the 15yo.
I suggested one day a week is family day, and for the majority...it works!!
They chose Thursday afternoon (no family commitments) and on that day from 4-6 it’s family time. They go to the beach, or bowling, shopping, movies, play board games, cards etc and she usually participates. If she doesn’t participate, she doesn’t get driven anywhere on the weekend. It’s give and take in family, and she’s understanding that more. Last weekend she stayed home and helped clean the house and just chatted with mum and dad about things and what’s up and coming in her life.
My sil said it’s the best thing that’s ever happened.
As they get older it’s natural to go into the community more and spend less time with family, but this way she’s still keeping connections with the family unit.
She is 16. I think you need to avoid her acting nasty rather than wait for it to happen and discipline her. I have teenagers and I don't force them to do stuff with us, they have a choice. Start goving her a bit more control over what activities she wants to participate in, get her doing jobs for money. Write up a list of extra jobs and what they are worth and stick it on the fridge. When she asks for money direct her to it.