Hi Sisters
I have been in a relationship with a man for just over three years, I have two kids and he has his two every second weekend.
When he was with his ex he would drink a bottle of bourbon every night down in Granny flat. He blamed her because she was a c@nt as he put it and there was no love or sex. They were together since 11 years old (he’s now 42).
I knew him for more than ten years through a work connection and never knew any of this.
When we got together he would drink a lot. When we moved in he slowed the drinking right down. Even went off it all together for 6 months to get in shape.
Lately he’s gone back to the bottle a night again but blames me as we havent had sex in 6 months. But to be honest I don’t want him to touch me when he’s drunk.
He is accusing me of sleeping with someone at work to the extent he’s questioning me on every move I make.
He’s blaming that for the change in us. I used to give in and give him sex whenever he wanted even when he would do bad things and misbehave while drunk but now I refuse.
I have been married twice and I am only 32. I don’t want to keep walking away from relationships if they are hard? My mother has threatened to not speak to me again if I leave this one as she says it will affect my girls too much. She said I keep jumping from man to man. I’ve only ever had three relationships.
Do I try and stay or do I go and be on my own, which I think I’d be fine with.
I’m staring to think maybe the common link in the failed relationships is me?
Is it me?
Is it me?
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Behaviour
8 Replies
It's both!
It's him, these are his issues and you need to walk away for the benefit of your girls. Go be single.
Why I say it's both is.....
In my experience based on me personally I used to ignore red flags in the dating phase, or skip the dating phase and move straight into serious relationships, both bad moves in the long run. So where someone would see the big issues because they've dated a bit longer, or haven't ignored red flags or understand what red flags are and have the good ability to walk away before a relationship, I wouldn't. I'd give chances, I'd ignore, or I just wouldn't know them well enough.
Go be single, show your girls, have a really good deconstruct of all your past relationships. Was there things you missed/ignored/is there a pattern?
Thank you I needed to hear this, you are so right x
You aren’t walking from a relationship that is hard, you are protecting yourself and your girls from an alcoholic with abusive behaviors. You’re only 32 - don’t let him drag you down and waste years of your life.
The common link in the failed relationships is you - but not because it’s your fault or you are in any way deficient. Be single for awhile. Maybe consider seeing a psychologist to talk through your decisions because the common link could just be the fact that you are choosing duds.
Your mum doesn’t sound like a peach in this either. Threatening to not talk to you if you don’t do something is emotionally manipulative/abusive in itself. A good mum would be supporting your decisions and encouraging you to protect your children from growing up with an alcoholic.
Thank you. What you have said just cements what I already know. I just needed to hear it from someone else.
Your mother sounds like a burden not a help. Ignore her. Make your choices, it's you that needs to be in he relationship and it's only you that knows and feels what is happening. If she can't cope with not being able to manipulate you for appearance sake then let her make her choices on that.
I think you would do well to go and be on your own, and perhaps while you're being alone and working on your self, give him six months to grow with you separately. If you come together better, great. If it falls apart along the way, still great for you, better than living with it. Sometimes we see things clearer and notice how much a hit we are being given, and choose not to accept it, when we have some space from them.
Your mother has a very skewed view on relationships:
A. She thinks it's OK to try and manipulate and blackmail her daughter into staying in an unhealthy relationship.
B. She thinks staying in this toxic environment is setting a better example to your kids than prioritizing your happiness and frankly, your safety.
Don't let her influence your decision, it sounds like you know what you need to do.
My partner of 3 years was distant and emotionally unavailable so I left him. It’s not my fault at all for wanting someone who loves me.
Your partner is an abusive alcoholic. Way worse imo!! You can’t change him, he will have a hard time even realising HE is the problem. Leave. Now.
Life is too short to waste it trying to fix men. Find someone who you don’t feel like you need
Is there a reason u don’t haven’t had sex for 6 months ?
Maybe threaten to leave him and go away for a while and see what happens tell him he needs to stop drink and have a decent conversation and work shit out before you come back