My 12-year old daughter’s former best friend has turned on her. He’s spreading lies about her; cursing at her in school; and blaming her for things that she didn’t do. He even got her called into the principals office (she was beyond embarrassed...luckily, it won’t go on her record, as it was conversation only). My daughter is so afraid people - adults included - will believe him over her.
Her former friend was severely bullied last year (he’s overly sensitive and participates on a performance squad where he is the only boy), so part of me thinks he’s bullying her to make himself feel better.
She misses their friendship and has no clue what caused him to turn on her. I suspect the turn may be due to his desire to be popular (my daughter is not popular and doesn’t want to be...she says that they are overly dramatic idiots) or that he views her as competition (grades, Band, performance squad).
How can I help my daughter deal with this? She doesn’t want to quit band or their shared performance squad, and she knows ignoring him will just make him retaliate more. I know it’s just 12-year old drama, but my heart hurts for my daughter, as I know the pain she’s going through.
4 Replies
My 8 year old has a friend like this. She tells lies, puts on the water works and she's a master manipulator, teachers often believe her - it is so frustrating to watch!
She also suffers with low self esteem and family issues which I do sympathise with but it doesn't justify the behavior.
Don't just write this off as 12 year old drama, it's a big deal - this is bullying. Talk to the teachers/principal and if they don't deal with it speak to his parents.
I'd explain to her too, that if he's willing to throw his friends under the bus to gain popularity, then that says more about him than anyone else. I predict a very sad and lonely boy in the future because his new found "friends" will probably turn on him as he's done to your daughter.
Thanks for the advice. We’re headed into Christmas Break, so I’ll see how the first two weeks of the next term go and then talk to the teachers/principal/counselor, if necessary.
Talk to his parents! If they were as good a friends as you say they were talk to his parents and ask them to talk to him. Make it known you are unhappy with him yourself and talk to him yourself. There are many things that can be done to resolve this.
I recommend talking to the school when they go back. A lot of schools sit both students down and do mediation with them so both can have their side of the story heard. That way this boy knows others are aware of his behaviour and that adults are now watching. Also the school can let all teacher that have them together to not pair them together for group work and for teachers on playground duty to keep and eye out. Normally this ends with both students understanding what the other wants, so if your daughter is happy to be friends again this allows him to mend the friendship before it is destroyed and if he doesn't it allows her to set boundaries with him. I work a lot with year 7 students and find the jump up to high school can be to much for some. They just don't have the coping mechanisms others do. I hope next year brings her more joy