Emotional neglect growing up and what to do

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Hi IM's

I am not a mum myself. I am mid 20's. I will struggle to explain myself but I need your help. This is not the whole story, but a very basic outline...

I am clinically depressed, struggle with mental sharpness, and have social anxiety/ anxiety. I either pushed away people in my life for fear of them finding out my own struggles/ insecurities, or just generally have not made/ kept friendships / good relations because I struggle to know how.

The last few years I have been so full of anxiety my body struggled to cope, I was hospitalized with a chronic disease 6 months ago, for two weeks,. I was told my situation was so severe I would have died from blood loss if I had not made it to the hospital. I had many doctor appointments for the previous two years and doctors struggled to figure out my condition, they knew I had inflammation and bleeding but kept telling me it was nothing too serious. So it felt like a last plea to finally get to a hospital having lost so much blood during one night of agonizing pain.. It's ridiculous that I was so alone on that journey, I don't really understand today, how it was so overlooked. I am now seeing an IBD psychologist that the doctors have put me onto, who is trying to help me with my anxiety, but I am struggling to open up to him, and to know what to say and how to say it to him. I fear he won't believe me, or mark me as stupid or dumb because I feel so dumb, and because my life sounds so unbelievable, it sounds ridiculous. I feel silly. I am so hurt and broken. I just need help. Please hear me out.

The way I was raised was strict, but not much discipline, we were told a lot of things, and not given much physical love. Granted we had a roof, a bed, meals, each other I have a lot to be thankful for but I need to talk, these years have shaped my life and it was very confusing at times. I was home schooled all the way to the end of yr.8, in which i had a very anti social upbringing and no friends. and a very patchy education. I had two amazing cousins, who I completely loved and were my absolute soul mates, but our parents did not get along and tore us apart at age 10. It was very hard as they were literally my only friends. They moved away, and honestly have not seen them since.

My relationship with my Dad is a huge factor here. We didn't really have one. I also barely had one with my Mum. I couldnt talk to them about anything personal for me. It's quite hard to explain, my parents are generous, good hearted people. But they are anti social, and have seemed to struggle with offering emotional needs to me and my siblings all through our life. At least from my perspective, this is how I have felt and seen it. I was raised religious, and when i was put into school in yr.9 I was told never to make friends for fear that i might be influenced by these friends and therefore lose the faith I was given. This did not make sense to me, seeing that, how can we be a beacon of light ourselves if we hide and don't face the world, get to know it, and understand it and others in it?. This sentence was literally spoken to me, more than once. I was not to make friends. It was not possible for me to do this, it was an absurd thing to ask of a 15 year old. I struggled. I managed to get through school, stumbling on subjects, building social anxiety and making no friends.. By yr.12, I had made friends, good friends, but I had always kept them so distant. I was not so close with them, and I only just scraped through my subjects, I got very low scores and this ofcourse dented my confidence. This broke me as I knew it was deeply ingrained in me because I was still trying to be loyal to Mum and Dad. These friendships now, have basically faded. I have not been the friend to them that I could have been, or should have and I do not have the friends now that i need.

I was never directed where to go after school, there was just no help, support, guidance i struggled completely to decide a career or even where to go and what to do, since as well, being so anti social we just had no connections that I could even stay with, rent with, that could help me get on my feet, etc. I had to make my own. And I actually did but my attempts failed so many times, I built my life, got a career, worked hard, rented houses, actually made a few friends, but not really, 3 different times I built my life a new, but something always came along and seemingly took it away from me, and this is the 3rd time it has happened, since being unwell. I have no energy to get up and go again. I don't know where to go from here. And not many people seem to understand my now complex personality. People take me the wrong way, as it seems, and it hurts.

I believe we were verbally abused growing up, I think my parents were unaware of the damage, we were punished for things we didn't necessairly do, or atleast didn't know we were not suppose to do and very seldom rewarded or applaused for the good we did and nothing was really ever explained or talked about, my older siblings already had flown the nest, their lives seemed fine while ours was slowly getting worse, I feel they struggle to truly understand the depth of damage. It was out of balance. There was a lot of being yelled at and told to do things or to be obedient. this is sounding horrible, I am trying to highlight the parts that have damaged me, there was a bright and warm side to my family and my childhood life, which i do love, i love my family but it was like, we would run and hide whenever we saw Dad come home when we were young. we were afraid. I grew up with fear. My relationships growing up seemed like they were based on fear, and this is engrained in me still. This makes me incredibly sensitive with ANY relationship

I struggle with my life now, because I have emotional damage from my whole life that I just don't know how to address. I struggle with relationships of all types, and I completely struggle to trust guys/men. But then I am far too overly nice, and let people walk over me. I struggle to have faith in people, to not be suspicious. I struggle not to worry about things, I struggle not to wear the weight of the world on my shoulders. I struggle with my personality being at times timid, shy, and introverted but also naturally outgoing and wanting to be confident but struggling between the two. I have anxiety. I struggle because I just want to be loved and cared for, to be special to somebody and I have no idea how or where to start. I need help.