Am I judgy snob? I've been single for nearly 3 years after leaving a DV relationship. I haven't had any intimate times since and I'm craving it. I'm scared to go online dating as you don't know who's on the other side of the screen. I also found myself being a real judgy snob. If they didn't dress nice enough, if they did "bogan" hand signs in photos, if every photo they were drinking in, if they didn't seem to pride their appearance I'd instantly go no. I'm not a shallow person but my previous relationship was pretty full on. He's been in jail, didn't take pride in his appearance. But I think I'm being too much of a judgy snob. I'm not by any means and I've never cared much about these things but I now find my values and wants to be so high that I think I'll always be alone. I'm also anxious about online dating as my kids safety comes first and you don't know the person. I don't want someone to swoop in and be a dad or even live with me I just want someone to come hang out, do things with, laugh with, have the intimacy with someone. I've got friends I laugh with etc but it's just not the same. I'm craving the intimate side of things and I'm finding myself craving it even more. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to sleep with a million different people though. More a friends with benefits kinda thing I think I want. I don't even know what I'm asking I'm just so frustrated and I really don't know where my such high standards have come from.
7 Replies
It's a protective mechanism. You are protecting yourself from getting hurt and falling back into a bad relationship. You'll probably find a lot of 'innocent' things, like how someone dresses etc very triggering.
I still gag when I smell joop because that's what my ex wore.
It's a great idea to get some counselling. Then start to allow yourself to take some calculated risks. Your counsellor/psychologist can help you work through triggers and start to recognise genuine red flag behaviours from things that you just associate with the ex.
But it's totally ok to be picky, you deserve to be picky and take your time to find the right guy for you! I'd rather be single for 3 more years than end up in a DV relationship again.
It always amuses me when people say they don't judge, we all do, it's human nature. As said above, it's a protection mechanism going back to our basic human instincts.
I'm not gonna lie, I judge people by their appearance, their demeanor, their attitude, their body language, their past experiences.
I listen to my intuition about people. I consider myself a pretty astute judge of character because of that.
If I have a dodgy feeling about someone, I listen to it because I trust my judgement and I'm very rarely wrong.
My point: If there's something about a person that doesn't sit right with you, don't disregard it. Trust your gut, even if it seems shallow on the surface. Delving into new relationships you really need to be able to trust yourself and recognize potentially undesirable traits and behaviors.
It's much better to have high standards than having no standards at all. It means you value yourself and you know you deserve someone with a moral code that aligns with yours, who will treat you as you deserve to be treated. Being picky is a good thing!
In fairness, the only time I'm in photos is when drinking and someone else takes the photo because I don't do selfie pics
Interesting because I am too, even though Ive decided to give normal boring I mean stable people a go theres just nothing there. I agree its a defense but also an ideal and its very easy to have an ideal when its not real and messy, thats much harder and scarier to sort out. So maybe try giving people a go and keep putting yourself out there & you'll find a good one eventually.
You have the idea of what is perfect and know subconsciously no one will be able to fulfill it so you won't be hurt, or abandoned. As long as you're working on you and not just doing the same old same old, there's no reason for you to need to be in a relationship yet and there's plenty of ways to meet a FWB, bear in mind they can get messy when one doesn't want to just be friends anymore so there's the potential to go pear shaped.
You've learnt your lesson from the last relationship, you've been single for a while and you aren't desperate and willing to settle. Well done, keep up those standards!
I think you might have material expectations in relation to how they dress and pose in photos that are too high but I understand why after have a bad experience in your previous relationship. I found my husband and love of my life on eHarmony. Yes he dresses like a complete dag when he isn't at work and is a massive geek. HOWEVER, he is also a top executive the looks after a national company (never would have known from his profile pics as he was in jeans and joggers - yes I know eeeek) an amazing provider for our family, is such a beautiful caring, loving husband and daddy to our kids. So don't judge a book by its cover as you might be missing a gem and someone that is perfect for you. Just give people a chance and wear out the good from the bad in your search. Good luck