How do I deal with the sheer anger and frustration the situation my step kids are in is causing? I want to put them first, but my thoughts are clouded by the fear and rage and it's affecting how I react to anything involving their mother.
My step-children are being groomed by their mother for a child sex offender. The perpetrator is their mother's father and he has a long history of sexually abusing his children and step-children. It's a "family secret", but one which my husband has been privy to. The mother has said that she would never have him around the kids, but we found out that he has been invited to their home recently, after purchasing them some items (a lawnmower etc). The kids have been encouraged to hug him on these occasions.
When the mother was confronted over having her dad around the kids, she didn't deny what he had done to her as a child, just thought it was great that her and her own mother were "reconnecting" with him, and that she would not let him hurt the kids. She also lied and said they only saw him at a family gathering.
My husband said he would withhold the children until she gave written confirmation that neither her nor mother would have the children around her father. My husband has detailed information about the incidents of sexual abuse, and will not have his children put in an unsafe environment. She wrote an email to this effect with an assurance that her Dad would not be around the children again and things returned to normal routine. I understand that we have no legal recourse at this point because no harm has yet been caused to the children, but I have nowhere to put my rage. And the thought that something bad has to happen before the police will do anything is terrifying for the kids sake. All I want to do is keep them safe from her and her dangerous life choices.
She will continue to have her dad around because he is now a financial source for her to tap. She's just going to try and get the kids to lie about it.
We have a very long history of poor and unstable parenting choices on her behalf which affect the children and I've always managed to eventually look beyond the physical and mental harm she causes them and just focus on giving them a safe and secure home with us. But this is different. This is encouraging two small children to engage with and get into physical contact with a very, very sick person, one she knows has the very real potential to harm her children beyond repair. And I am having trouble seeing beyond the red mist in my eyes whenever we have to deal with her.
She portrays herself as the victim in every situation, and showed no distress for the children at all in this one. As a mum, I find it distressing even imagining my own kids being groomed to accept a pedophile in your home and as their grand-dad, just because he's freeing up their income for the festival and holiday lifestyle she and her girlfriend prefer over providing the necessities for the children (rent, food, health, education, it all comes last to her wants). She has proven over a long time frame that she is not responsible for the children, but wants the sympathy (and money) she can elicit by saying the kids are suffering if we don't : pay her rent, pay her car insurance, give her money for Christmas presents for her to buy the kids (whilst she could still travel to a major city, four hours away, fortnightly to see her gf)... you get the picture. She sees the kids as additonal income leverage and not as small humans to raise and protect with your life. This, in addition to the demonstrated fact that she is a compulsive liar (not an exaggeration sadly) means that her reassurances are worthless. That's even without considering what insanely mental process brought about her "reconnecting" with the pedophile who abused her as a child, and her step-siblings.
How do I cope with such an inhuman monster who calls herself a parent and just focus on putting the precious darlings first? I just want to keep them safe and to prevent this danger to them, and not be so terrified and angry all the time about it, knowing that it's only a matter of time before something bad happens. We are doing everything we legally can, but this anger is eating me up inside. I react badly every time her name is mentioned, or told she's sent another idiotic email wanting us all to be friends. I just want to be calm again so I can think clearly about what needs to happen to keep the kids safe.
6 Replies
Could you call bravehearts and see what they recommend?
That is a brilliant suggestion. I wasn't aware of this organisation. Looking at their website now. Thank you so much.
I’d speak to the children and make sure they know what’s appropriate touching, what’s not. What’s okay, and what isn’t.
Having one of them speak up if he does try something might stop him in his tracks.
It’s not a solution, but might help then stay safe until a trusted adult comes along or until he gives up on them.
In the mean time, if he’s what everyone thinks, why hasn’t anyone reported it?
Is there an organization who could have that talk with the kids?
I just read some of the comments on facebook and am quite cinfused why people are telling you to leave it to the bio parents/stay out of it.
You have every right to care and be concerned and be angry. You're one of the children's parents.
Honestly I would be furious too. Its so frustrating seeing someone put their children second. Its hard to get your head around when you have such strong belief that kids come first! (And this is how it should be).
You should see a solicitor and get some legal advice about this situation. Dad may be able to get a restraining order for the kids against the grandfather.
Also I'd get in touch with some of the organistations others have suggested. Arm yourselves with knowledge!!
You need to disclose to the police what you know of his history. Noth you and your husband need to make statements and you actually have a legal obligation (not to mention moral) to report him. If you are worried about going to the police contact bravehearts and they will help you make a report.