So I’m not very good at getting across what I’m trying to say, but I’ll give it a crack.
4 months ago, I gave birth to my beautiful little boy, and he is the apple of my eye. I love him more than words can say, and I’ve taken a year off work to get as much bonding time with him as I can.
Yes it’s been hard, especially those newborn days, but I feel as though I’m doing a decent job at this parenting business.
But I do admit I think it’s taken a toll on me. I never really thought it was anything out of the ordinary until my husband told me I need to get help.
I don’t feel like I have depression - I don’t cry, my mood’s not erratic, never had thoughts of harming my baby or myself. The thing is - I don’t feel anything.
I’m not talking about my feelings towards others, as I said, I love my son to bits, my husband too. I’m talking more about not feeling anything within myself.
I don’t feel sad, angry, upset, happy, scared - nothing. It wasn’t until my husband mentioned it that I realised I just feel - empty? Lost? I don’t know. I can’t describe it any other way, I just feel flat.
I’ve never been one to really show much emotion, but I always felt it. Now I don’t.
I just put it down to the exhaustion and stress of having a newborn, just sleep deprivation in general. But now Bub is 4 months old and sleeps through the night most of the time, and so do I.
But I have no energy, no motivation or drive to do anything. I feel like I’m not really living. I wake up everyday and count the minutes until I go to bed again. Not because my days are horrible, but they’re just ... nothing.
I’ve joined a gym and do get out of the house, but all I do when I’m out is want to be at home. I guess I don’t really have many friends - a few girls from high school I catch up with every few months, but we’re not close anymore. I feel myself just staring at a wall and completely checking out when I’m out with other people.
Sorry, I didn’t realise this was going to be so long - I guess I’m just after your thoughts or experiences - is this just normal new mummy behaviour? Or should I get it checked out? And if so - where do I even start?
2 Replies
Go and see a GP. Explain that you feel like you might be suffering from PND. They should administer the Edinborough PND quiz. From there they can refer you to services or possibly recommend medication.
Based on what I know of the quiz (as a sufferer of depression and anxiety) it sounds like you may be suffering some depression. It doesn't have to be floods of tears, mood swings etc. It can be simply not getting any joy out of life as you describe.
Good luck. It can get better xx
I have two kids and the youngest is 1 and I feel like this too. Motherhood can be mundane and repetitive. And although you wouldn’t even trade it for the world, sometimes it just feels pointless and you do find yourself feeling lost. I feel like this often, and sometimes it goes away for a few months or a few weeks and then it starts to come back. I’ve found that simple things like dinner date with my partner or leaving Bub with hubby and going shopping on my own. I’ve never thought what I experience is PND but more just depressive episodes and it usually is to do with my hormones.
BUT I don’t want to dismiss your experience because it could very well be PND so I really do suggest you mention this to your GP and go from there. I did mention my experience to my GP after my first and I Had a few sessions with a phycologist as I just wanted to talk to someone about it and that helped me to put things into perspective.
All the best