So I’ve recently found out of another family member (17year old) that my MIL when my son hits, she hits him back (son is 2 and a half). Including when he hits across the face she has apparently hit him across the face.
I’m very conflicted and I don’t know what to do with this information. I’ve not witnessed it so I’m not sure if maybe it’s been dramatized, but I have witnessed her when my son squeezed the kittens paw, she squeezed his hand.. So I’m kind of inclined to believe she would do that.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I mention it to my husband. I just don’t know.
She doesn’t have him very often, but every now and then she does, and she possibly will if I return to work.
My son shows no signs of being afraid of her, or not wanting to go to her.
Edit: 17 year old said it so casually I don’t think it was a lie or dramatized. She is reliable, but like most teens has lied before.
Mentioned this to my husband just casually and said I don’t want her doing this, but I also don’t want to go in and just abuse her but maybe casually bring it up and say we know he’s been hitting and this is how we’ve been dealing with it, and that hitting him back appears to not be working. Husband just go defensive and said I’m sick of this I’m sick of my family I’m about ready to have nothing to do with them..
There has been a few other little issues that have been going on in the last 12months. Not involving myself, I’ve always gotten along with the in laws very well.
6 Replies
I guess it depends how important it is to you for the no smacking.
I mean, if she’s smacking him in the face, wtf but who’s to say it was to that extent.... hmmmm
I do smack my children and I wouldn’t mind if my MIL needed to smack my children, but willy nilly smacks wouldn’t be okay.
In my situation, my MIL allows my 3yo to smack her in the face or pinch her and pull her hair and she makes a game out of it... which really confuses me as to why the fuck... but anyway... so yeah I wouldn’t mind if she was stern and said “no that’s not on” and if he continued for her to smack him.
He mght not be afraid of her but im sure in that moment he is. How serious you take this depends on your discipline beliefs a d if its ok for someone else to smack/ hurt your child teach/train their behaviour. If youre not ok with itthen find another babysitter because she doesnt care what you think noone would dare do that to another persons child if they did. I would say she believes its right/harmless ans will continue to do it.
I wouldn't go in guns blazing but I wouldn't just disregard this information either.
How reliable is the 17 year old? Did they actually witness this or did they hear it from someone else?
If she did hit him across the face, that's unacceptable no matter what you're opinion is regarding smacking for discipline. A light tap on the hand or bottom I could probably understand (though I'd prefer that method of punishment not be used if I leave my child in someone's care) I wouldn't be in a hurry to leave my child unsupervised with her again.
You need to determine if it's true. Talk to your husband, talk to 17 year old again (impress upon them the seriousness of the allegations) and talk to your Mother in law.
If she's open and honest about it then you can tell her you're not comfortable with that kind of discipline and if she can't use alternative strategies to discipline him, you will make other care arrangements.
If she denies it but you believe it to be true, that says to me that she knows it's wrong and you wouldn't approve and again I'd look into other care arrangements.
Toddlers are pretty forgiving, just because he's showing no signs of fear doesn't mean that it didn't happen.
I don't think the MIL is a monster.. Do to others as you want done to you.. I don't think she is beating the child black and blue just showing the child what it feels like when you do something to someone else.. I don't agree with hitting in the face.. If your uncomfortable with it then i would have a calm conversation with her saying you have become aware and it makes you uncomfortable
What's your gut tell you? Yep, you know it's true yet you're still trying to refute the proof (17 year old could be lying...um why would they?) anyway, I stopped smacking my kids early on, as my (later diagnosed ASD son) would smack me back, and it made his behaviour worse. Now, I parent from a place of trust and respect.
I would not be leaving my child in the care of anyone who practises corporal punishment/child abuse.
If hubby doesn't want to be around his own family, well, there's your answer. Find a better more suitable carer for when you return to work.
Unfortunately I'm guilty of this....but it was a one time thing and will never happen again. I'll explain - my 4yo granddaughter is a handful. She kicks, bites and slaps me. Never when anyone is around, she's a perfect little angel then. But when we are alone, I get hit every time we are together. This particular time she had me in tears. She was telling me she hated me and that she wanted me to die. She was lying next to me with her legs close to my legs. She started kicking over and over again. I asked her to stop. She didn't. She kicked to the point my legs started to go red. I'd had enough and I smacked her. I felt guilty. I felt sick. And I was crying to the point I couldn't speak. When my son and daughter in law came home, she'd fallen asleep on the couch. I was open and honest with them and they could see how guilty I felt. I know I'll never do it again.
Now I know its not quite the same for you because you know its happened but your mother in law hasn't said anything, which to me sounds like she has no guilt and will probably do it again and again. I would approach her and ask why? Tell her your stance on smacking. Then state, in a confident way, that you won't tolerate it. This is your child not hers.
You have to say something because if you don't it will happen again.