***long post***
Mums I need some advice. My son is 2 years old, I seperated from his dad a while ago and have a new partner , anyway.
His dad has him every second weekend for not even 48 hours and has no contact with him or about him inbetween. Never asks about him. Even when he knows his unwell in the hospital. Despite my encouragement and efforts. And now my son cries for him constantly asks for daddy on the phone etc. I have asked him to call twice a week to talk to him even if it's for 2 minutes and on his off weeks to take him to the park over the road or I'll meet him at McDonald's so he can see him even if it's for 20 mins. I told him his son needs him and he really needs to step up more. I don't want his dad to leave him and I don't want to replace his dad. That is the furthest thing from my mind. But even despite me saying his son wants to talk to him he doesn't care. Doesn't show any care. Even our sons favourite bear he won't drop back off (normally isn't seperated from the bear at all!) Because he just can't be bothered. I offer to go and get the bear but whenever I ask what time it's always when he knows I am working. And he won't leave him in his letterbox either. I am so frustrated. Do you think I'm asking for too much and I'm being unreasonable? What would you do?
How would you handle a dad not stepping up?
How would you handle a dad not stepping up?
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Baby & Toddler
8 Replies
It sounds like he is a control freak. Set some of your own rules and boundaries. You need the bear, he drops it off now or you are going to get it, simple. Organise with him again for the extra phone calls and make him meet those guidelines, if not, tell him you’ll take him to court other wise someone else is going to step up and take his place.
I would tell your child daddy is working when hes not available and I would try best not to call him or ask anything of him, send statements instead. 'Tommy left his bear at yours, hes unsettled and cant sleep without it.' Wouldnt even expect a reply, may be passive aggressive but I do that with my ex especially when he likes to carry on like Im rich. ' paed for xxx, $490. Fifth visit this year.'
Or just tell him nothing and let him drop out, if hes going to do it better he does it sooner.
As frustrating as it is, you just have to accept that this is the father that he is. I wouldn't try and force the issue, if he doesn't want to talk to his son on the phone or have extra visits, that's on him!
And if possible, just get another bear so there's one at each house, sounds like a silly little game he's playing there (leaving it as long as possible so you have to deal with a hysterical child missing his security toy) or I'd just tell him, "if you can't remember to bring the bear back, I'm not packing it".
Stop trying to make dad be a dad. He isn't interested and you just can't force him or make him be interested.
What you need to do is concentrate on helping your son. Can you buy another identical bear? That would solve that issue. I would be using distraction methods to help your son get through this.
Let dad drop out of the scene over time. Allow him his regular schedules visits but don't even try to get him to do more.
What does he do when he doesn't have him? Does he have a girlfriend? Every second weekend is more than alot of kids get, but strange of him not to at least be concerned when your boy was in hospital. I would stop pushing him and just leave him to his second weekend, that's his problem and he's missing out. If your son wants to talk to him just get him to ring him instead of waiting for dad to ring.
Been there, done that, right down to the teddy bear lol for those saying get an identical bear, if your son is anything like mine, there is no substitute. My son has hundreds of bears, but none have or will ever replace big bear, he is nine now lol You don't handle him at all, you let him be as involved or uninvolved as he wants to be. I've learnt over the years, you can lead a horse to water..... He has his visits, that's it, don't expect anything else and you won't be disappointed. Also, your son is only two, mine was the same age, they stop asking for their dad and it gets much easier. At this point, my son could take or leave his father because his dad just doesn't have the love/interest and kids feel that, they just don't have that bond even though they see each other regularly. My advice is, don't push him, let him be the father he wants to be and you pick up the slack, it will get easier, I promise. You basically have to just work what what you've got.
He has a man in his life who I assume is a good bloke. It's bloody hard but you've just got to let it go. Text him when you need to share parenting info but otherwise move on. You need to set the tone for your son, if he sees his mum is ok and upbeat about it, he will be too
I think a lot of us mums expect the dads to 'step up', to be different, to change, but in most cases, they are being the same dad they always were, before the split, we just don't want to see it or accept it.