I have a close family member whom I love dearly. He lives in a different state than the majority of the family and really struggles with substance abuse, mostly alcohol but drugs on some occassions as well. I have tried to help him several times in the past but for some reason he always goes back to the drink. The problem I have is that he calls me repeatedly at crazy hours of the night wanting to talk. It seems to calm him down but he is always drunk and hard to make sense of. In the beginning I used to answer his calls but over time I dont answer as much. I work and have children now and although I always try to make time for him im not as tolerent as I once was. My problem is im so scared that one day Im going to ignore a call and he is really going to need me. How do I get past the feeling that its ok to not answer the phone? I dont feel I would forgive myself if something happened and I wasnt there for him and I don't want him to feel like I dont love him but he will call between 10 to 15 times a night a couple of times a week and it is always so late usually from midnight right through until morning what would you do? Im at a loss
4 Replies
Firstly I say this knowing exactly how you feel. Been there done that.
The lesson I had to learn was I am not responsible for how another adult chooses to live there life. So if my loved one chooses not to stay in or go to treatment that's on them. I don't have special magical powers that can keep someone alive, or that can treat them or stop them doing the one thing they can't take back.
Your relative will be aware of his treatment options by now and how to get access to services if they choose to.
Them waking you up and ringing you multiple times in the middle of the night and you answering is not healthy for them or for you. It's called co-dependence. It's also more of 'habit' than a genuine reaching out for help. He knows how to genuinely reach out for help. You talking to him while he is plastered in that way, wont help him, because he can't take the information in when he is that drunk. He is going to do what he is going to do wether you answer the phone or not.
You can't look after someone else if you don't look after yourself first.
Talk to him in the sober light of day, tell him you love him, that you care, but calling you late at night is not helping him. He needs to seek professional help. A stint in rehab might be a good start.
You're not responsible for him and his choices. If he did harm himself there's nothing you can do, and not on you. Stop with the God complex that you can save him, that's your ego talking.
We all walk our own path and some journeys are harder than others. We only learn to overcome when we do stuff for ourselves. Yes it's lonely and scary but doable if a person is willing
I completely understand you. I have been in the same situation, but it was my brother-in-law. Long distance away too. When I first started answering his calls, he latched on to me as a major support person and called all hours, several times a day. It made me feel very responsible for his welfare, and I had that same feeling of 'what if I don't answer, and he does something extreme?'. I had to scale back. I have a family and work as well. I had to explain that I love him, but if he wants me to be there for him, he needs to hold up his end of the bargain and STOP DRINKING. He did not, and I stopped taking his calls. I have accepted the possibility that he might do something extreme when he hasn't got a support person to turn to. He knows there are 24 hour services available, but he refuses to access them. He is a grown adult, capable of making decisions for himself. He has chosen this path. He had the power to change it. I am not responsible for his actions - he is. He chose substances over his wife, children, home, and job. He has done this to himself. I used to have to repeat this to myself frequently to ease the guilt of ignoring his calls. But they stopped pretty quickly once I stopped answering. I now feel hardly any guilt. I desperately want him to get better, but I've realised now that nothing I can say or do will help him. Despite what he says during those calls, he NEVER changes. He's been through rehab. He's been hospitalised countless times for injuries and seizures related to his substance abuse. I know my story is probably not giving you any hope, but please know that it is possible to stop taking those phone calls and not feel responsible and guilty anymore. I wish you and your relative the very, very best. I sincerely hope things go well for you all xo
Time to activate some tough love. You need to tell him you want to be there for him and love him but cannot be available to him to call this frequently and at such ridiculous hours, particularly if hes unwilling to help himself. Remind him you have a job and children, who are you number 1 priority.
I was going through a tough time myself many years ago (nothing like substance abuse) amd i would complain to my friend repetitively. One day she said look i love you more than anyone, but i cant just stand here and just listen and watch you suffer while you do nothing to help yourself.
For me it was the kick in the butt i needed.