I have moved back in with father of my child, he pays all the rent and I do groceries, bills.
I would say about 1/2 of what he pays per week. He earns way more than me. Doesn't want me to Work as I mainly worked weekends and wants to spend it as a family, so I quit, I now pretty much have no money. He pays the rent and doesn't contribute anything else. I pay for our child's swimming lessons, buy the clothes and whatever's needed. If we need something for the house he expects me to go and buy it. After a huge fight today because he wanted me to grab something on the way home from swimming and I told him no because I have no money, I said I'd like to go back to work. He said I'd have to pay for child care and I can't work nights because he has to get up early and can't watch our kid.
I don't know if I'm in the wrong but he tells me I'm rediculous. I have it so good, I sit on my ass all day and go out with friends. I have always worked, the only reason I don't right now is because he doesn't want me to.
How does everyone split finances. Not married, renting but have a child. Where one works and the other doesn't, or works part time/casual. I don't think it's fair that he earns so much more than me and I don't have a chance to earn. He pays the rent and the rest of his pay is play money.
Sorry it's long. I would love to move out but I think I'm stuck here for awhile since I can't save anymore.
Splitting finances
Splitting finances
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Money
12 Replies
Do you have it so good? Youre financially abused, stuck and not supported to go to work and be independent. I think you need to get back to work and get out asap, and then think hard about how you got into this situation with him. He doesnt get a say in when you work, its not about his wants, you should be a team lifting each other up.
Thank you. I got back in this situation because I stupidly believed he'd changed. It was pretty much all or nothing to see if we could work, and I made the wrong decision. I now can't go back to my old house, I'm going to see my previous job tomorrow. I feel like I'm being emotionally abused again but it's hard to know because he seems so adamant that I have it so good.
Hes telling you you have it good and also telling you he wont help you work and leaves you struggling for money - you are being gaslighted. You dont need him to tell you when its good and you should happy, make up your own mind and paty attention when he doesnt listen or help and flips the conversation on you, thats gaslighting.
I also think its not all due to believing hes changed. You made choices. You let him dictate to stop working because of his work weekends and wants (basically not to do any childcare or have his sleep disrupted on the weekend). You stopped working and became fully reliant on him before you knew it would be ok. Next time look after yourself first, no all or nothing moves, discuss ambitions, finances, everything first, slow and steady. Xx
My partner works and i stay home with our two kids, we also are not married and renting. We both agreed that i would be a stay at home parent until we/im ready to go back to work. His income pays for everything but i am in charge of finances, which is what works for us. Your partner is not in control of you, its suppose to be teamwork. Your partner wont let you work, therefore that makes him the provider. If he wont provide or isnt doing a very good job of it. First step - talk to him, put it to him simply;
No job = no money = no food and no bills paid
If that doesnt work put your child in daycare/babysitter and find work for yourself and you become your own provider for you and your child. He cannot and should not expect you to pay for majorty of things when you dont work. Its not rocket science.
This is an unworkable situation. ALL the money has to be pooled and come out of that.
Splitting bills the way your 'partner' wants to is impossible where there are children and one of you doesn't work.
If this has been an ongoing thing I'd be packing my bags and getting my job bank. It's a form of control and abuse!
When you worked before, who watched the child?
Contact DV support groups in your area and consider claiming parenting payment single (separated under the one roof, until you can leave). The faster you get out and break the cycle the better.
I know so many couples who don't combine their money and it's a recipe for disaster imo.
From the day my partner and I moved out, we have drawn our pay out of the bank each weekend, put it together, paid all the bills for the week, put whatever into savings and given each person some spending money for the week. Physically combined the money so it's ingrained in our heads, what's yours in mine and what's mine is yours. FAIR!
We've had two children since, I took a year off work BOTH times and we've never had an issue of mine and yours. Even for those periods I wasn't earning a single cent... even now when I only work part-time and bring home half the amount he does.
I think it's hard for everyone to wrap their head around but it definitely helps to physically put money together. So you can see it, with your own eye balls... that everything goes to together, because you all use the house, you all use the electricity/water ect. So it should all be fair.
It does sound like your partner is a bit minipulative and that you've lost your voice somewhere along the way. How about you start controlling what you do a little more, and you work if YOU want to. And you tell him that if he is a FATHER he helps pay child care for HIS children too, other wise he needs to be shown the door.
Afternoon shift. You start in the afternoon and finish 11pm-12am ish. We did this for 7 years while our son was in primary school and it only ended because I was promoted. I loved my afternoon shift (and I still spoil them a little).
I'm not working. Im pregnant with number 4.
I pay for groceries and have a bit left over to do with the kids through the week...and thats about it. My husband pays for everything else. If I need more money he tells me to get his card out of his wallet. He doesnt earn a lot but we have a great budget and save and theres a bit left over for any extras that pop up.
Its never a fight or a big deal and there is no guilt trip because I'm not earning money.
However, I've been on the other side, in a relationship many years ago when I was pregnant with my first child. I had to stop work due to pregnancy complications. My horrible partner at the time had a theory, his money was his money, the tiny bit of money I got from certrelink paid for rent. He wouldn't spend a cent of his money on me. It got to a point where I had no clothes that fit me (growing belly) no makeup (I'd always been a makeup wearer) 1 pair of thongs that kept breaking, bills from tests for the pregnancy that he refused to pay (because they were my bills, not his) so I ended up with poor credit rating because I could not pay them. I was so miserable and embarrassed about my position. If I asked fir anything he went ballistic saying he worked for the money so what gave me the right to spend it. He held it against me if he payed for anything for the baby. It was a very very awful and traumatic time in my life and it just kept getting worse until I left.
Financial abuse is real and awful! Just be wary.
Move out as soon as possible.
This guy is a dick. Why the fuck does he get to dictate your work terms then bag you out, and financially abuse you???
He's living the life he wants, he's got you there as his house keeper and nanny. Fuck that shit!
Reading through all the fb posts, thank you. Seems like what I already knew. I did leave him the first time because of andiffeeent type of abuse. I know he will never change now but circumstances right now, I have no where else to go so I do need to stay put. I've been job hunting the last few days so I hope something comes up. When it does, I'll find a day care and save my ass off. He is shit with money so he will never have any sAvingz. He will not get 1 cent of my money. When the right time comes up I will leave. Until then I have to sit tight and do what's best for my child.
He sounds very selfish and controlling. I'm married now but my husband and I lived together for 6 years prior to getting married and had our son too. We still have separate bank accounts only because we never got around to organising a joint account and when I am working we split things more evenly, he pays our mortgage and home and contents insurance and I pay for groceries and our utilities. We both pay for things for our son or the house. At the moment I'm unemployed because I'm studying so hubby pays for majority of our bills and groceries etc as I only get a small amount from Centrelink for our son. The money I do get pays my phone bill and anything to do with my car (rego, insurance, petrol etc) he pays for everything else. It was this way when I was off work after having our son too. If I'm short one week or need money for groceries or something for our son he'll transfer it no questions asked and that's the way it should be. Your partner needs a kick up the arse. He asked you to give up work, he has a family and a household to look after now, you and your child are not his housemates.
Split finances only works when it's fair.
We do keep money separate, and have for over 20 years (but we are both working full-time). I earn more so I pay more of the bills, we each go halves in the mortgage, house/contents insurance, rates/water, electricity. I pay gas, home phone/internet and both mobile phones, health insurance and the occasional entertainment such as concerts or movies. Before our son graduated I paid all his school tuition fees and schooling expenses and all health/dental expenses. Then we each pay our own car repayments (finally paid mine out last month!), rego, insurance, fuel etc. I buy the household groceries and he just buys the extras he wants. This way our "extras" are controlled only by our own capacity to pay for them.
It used to be so that when each of us had paid our "share" out of our regular wages we were left with an evenish amount. Over-time and bonuses were off-limits, even when I offered to spend my last bonus fencing our yard he won't be in it as it's my money to enjoy it - so it's gone into the "Europe" account.
With one not working or working less you'd need to lay out all of the incoming money, budget all of the outgoing money and balance who is paying what based on having an equal amount left over.
It's also a safety thing for me. My partner is a loving laid back man, nothing like the men I grew up with but the fear is strong after seeing every woman in my family emotionally, physically, sexually and financially abused by their husbands for my entire young life. I will hopefully never be in a position where I have to be dependent on anyone.
I can understand not wanting you to work weekends, we did 7 years of opposite shifts and it's hard on a relationship. We literally saw each other from 9am Saturday (when I got up after my night shift) to 6pm Sunday when he'd go to bed for his early Monday start. But you do what you've got to do so if he wants an independent woman not reliant on his pay packet he's going to have to step up and provide the support you need to be that.