I've suffered depression and anxiety for 6 years, after two suicide attempts in a matter of a month. So I did get assessed sort of at the hospital, pretty much put me on anti depressants, and to see a psychologist. Which I never saw, as I felt fine. So since then I've just been dealing with it myself.
I've never been probably assessed as I always felt okay by the time I got an appointment with a psychologist so never went as I hate talking about what's going on in my head and always just dealt with it.
My moods are up and down constantly with no real reason as to what triggers it.
I've recently had a very down patch, suicidal thoughts, and have gone back to self harming. Which I hadn't done in over 2 years. (I feel so stupid, considering how long I hadn't done it for, and I also have a child now, which makes me feel weak for turning to hurting myself to deal with my thoughts)
I've gone back to the doctors, and now have been weaned off my last lot of medications, and onto a new one which so far hasn't been great. I don't feel as if it's my medications as to why I've gone back down after have a fairly good couple of days last week. I feel as if it's just another cycle of my moods happening again, I've stuck so far with seeing my doctor and getting assessed to see if they can diagnosed me with something. I had to see a short term help team, as they thought I needed help right then and can see you pretty much straight away and once the long term things are set in place I got discharged from their services.
I saw a psychiatrist from the short term team, who changed my medications and also thinks there might be a underlying mood disorder which is why I'm so up and down, also get frustrated, anxious and can get quite angry for days on end for no apparent reason, I then will be fine, and then can go back to a depressive state. It's a constant cycle with no real triggers.
So far I've stuck with seeing people to get probably assessed and see if there is a mood disorder.
He brought up bipolar 2 disorder, as I don't get full manic like in bipolar 1 disorder.
I'm terrified, I hate the mental health system, as I feel like Im going around in circles and constantly waiting and this is why I usually stop seeing someone as I just want it over with I hate seeing and talking to people as it what goes through my mind and I'm also scared they'll think I'm unfit to be a mother to my daughter which I'm not, she is at no risk at all. She helps me more then anything as I have to get up for her and what not and do daily life things.
But I know it takes time, but I seriously feel as if it's just easier to not be here, or just deal with it as I have for so many years.
Even though I know I don't have to live like this
I have plenty of support around me, I just wish I could be normal and not deal with this
I want to be okay for my daughter and my husband, as I know I can be quite up and down which isn't fair on both of them.
I don't know what I'm even asking, I just needed to vent.. Does it ever end? Even if I do get diagnosis with something, I know then theyll have ways to manage it etc.
I just hate having to go through all of it and feel like I'm talking and explaining myself to 10 different people.
I just can't see right now if I go through all of this, will it one day actually be okay and I wont feel like this anymore.
My life is actually pretty good on paper, I have no idea why I feel like this when there is people out there far worst of then me. I have a wonderful supportive husband, a beautiful daughter and plenty of family support from both my partners side and mine. And we are financially fine, we barely fight ect I just have no idea
I'm just so scared of being told what it actually is. If it is bipolar, like I legit lived with it for 6 or so years, and it's my fault it's never been dealt with and all those times when my moods were down and I've taken it out on my partner, if I had off got assessed i think, I might not have ever done some of the things I had done.
I'm not sure if this makes sense at all, I just needed to vent. I just want to be okay
2 Replies
They don't take children away because of mental illness. They don't even look at your children.
Please follow through. Life can get so much better and I know how hard working through this can be. I've been on both sides of the equation, as a patient and as a carer.
It is hard but it is sooo worth it in the long term. Your children want there mummy to be the happiest she can be!
Get a good psychiatrist. Once you have a diagnosis then you (and your family) will know what you're dealing with, and how best to help, you'll learn your own triggers and how to manage during the difficult times. Understanding is the key. There is no 'reason' or 'cause' it's not about being happy and having stuff that means you won't have mental illness. Plenty of wealthy successful people who appear to 'have it all' have depression, bipolar, anxiety, eating disorders, suicidality etc. Mental illness does not discriminate, same as physical illness, anyone anywhere can become ill.
Your illness can be managed. Generally, finding the right medical care and actually getting the correct diagnosis can take years. Don't be hard on yourself. It's the crap system we have to wade through that causes most of the problems