Please read all of this before commenting and please don't just jump to conclusions. This is long and ill explain as best I can. Please be nice. You can disagree with me, that's fine but be nice.
My sister is getting married next year (5 months away). I am currently pregnant with my 2nd child, and this baby will be about 7 weeks old when my sister gets married. My eldest (nearly 4) and I are in the Bridal Party (I'm Matron of Honour). My Sister and soon to be Brother in Law have decided no kids at their wedding - With the exception of my eldest just for the ceremony. That's fine, my Husband and I have no issue with this, its their wedding, their choice. But here is my problem. Because we will have a newborn and all of our baby sitters are family members, my Husband has said he will stay home with the baby and I will leave after the ceremony as I will need to bring my eldest home before the reception starts and I will be breast feeding - yes I know I can express and I will try to do this but I was unable to express very much with my first and I became engorged very easily which is painful, and I will be in a tight fitting bridesmaid dress. The wedding is over 2 hours away as well. My Sister and BIL are now upset with us. Not only because my Husband wont be attending their wedding but also because ill be leaving after the ceremony and not attending the reception. They have sent us links to babysitting services - none of which we can afford, they have told their friends about our situation and asked them to baby sit on our behalf without speaking to us first - these people we do not trust with our children. My mum also offered to leave early and babysit but my Sister got upset - My Husband and I did say no to this as well because I know I would have been upset if my mother wasn't at my wedding, I'm not going to do that to my sister. They even went to our neighbours and asked them to babysit without asking us! We only found out because they knocked on our door and asked what was going on - we have only been in our new house 2 weeks, so we don't know these people. I put my foot down with them and told them to stop it. We have a select number of people we trust with our kids and none are available to babysit for us, mostly due to coming to their wedding. They want their wedding to go perfectly and smoothly with no problems and no interruptions - which is why they have said no kids. Everyone has told them this wont happen (kids or not) but they are adamant and are both going crazy over the schedule and keeping things on time. I get it. I've planned a wedding. I understand how crazy and stressful it is. I've told them both I'm happy to take some of the stress off of them and help them organise things (which I have helped on quite a few things they wanted organised). I've offered to step down but they don't want me to. I've told them that they are putting us in a very tough spot because even though it is their wedding and they get to have what they want, but we still have children to think of and if they aren't invited then we wont be there like they want us to be. They cannot say no children and then complain when those with children cannot attend for the whole time. They have said to us that one of the bridemaids will have a newborn and she has no problems with staying for the reception. I told them:
1. This is her first child - we are having our second
2. She is not family - we are
3. Her mother is babysitting - Mine will be at the wedding
My sister keeps saying she wants all of her family there for photos but my mother (and other family members) keeps telling her that my children are family too and wont be there. Then my sister gets upset. Then we get yelled at for making her wedding difficult.
Adding to all of this, our second child has some medical issues and will need to stay in hospital for a couple of weeks after birth and may even need surgery. Once he/she comes home he/she will need medication and a higher level of care compared to a normal newborn. My sister is well aware of this. This is also why we only have a select few people we trust to baby sit because anyone who watches our second child will need to be taught how to care for him/her, which is not something that can be taught in 5 mins.
We have offered for my Husband to sit in the back so if the baby cries, their wedding wont be "interrupted". Same for at the reception, that way he/she is cared for and my Husband will watch our oldest too, my Husband can come and I can stay for the reception and still be able to breastfeed. But they said no because that would mean kids at their wedding and its not fair on the other guests. The only other option is my Husband stays home with our second chid and I come home with my oldest after the ceremony - which they are angry at us for.
What the hell do I do? I'm ready to walk away from the wedding completely (which I don't want to do, I want to be there for my sisters big day). I have so much personally and medically going on too (I have been very sick this pregnancy, including being in and out of hospital), the stress from this wedding is pushing me over the edge. But with everything going on I have supported my sister and helped her in every way I can but none of it seems to be good enough. We have also forked out over $2000 so far and we still have her bridal party to do yet, with a sick child on the way, moving house, my own medical requirements and day to day expenses. I don't really care about the money, she is my Sister and I love her but I am at a complete loss as to what to do.
*Edit... some people have asked if we could get a hotel/motel room close to the venue so hubby can stay there with the baby and I can go back and forth. We have looked into this already but due to the high cost of our second child's treatment, we will not be able to afford to do this.
30 Replies
If I were you, I would throw in the keys and no longer be part of the bridal party.
Does your sister know the baby will have a medical condition? If so, what a freaking bitch!!!
Breastfed newborns SHOULD be exempt from the no kids rule. They'll most likely just sleep the whole time.
Another option could be staying at a motel/hotel near the reception venue?
You could duck back to the motel to breastfeed, and it wouldn't be as bad if you needed to leave for 20 minutes.
Yes she knows. We have already looked into getting a motel/hotel room for the night but they are out of our price range. Our second child's medical costs are going to be very expensive.
If the only option that works for you is to just attend the ceremony, while hubby is at home with the 2 children, then your sister is just going to have to accept that. Honestly, if I were in your sisters position, I'd just be glad that you could attend the ceremony. She's behaving like a bit of a bridezilla that's not willing to compromise even though she's being pretty unreasonable.
I think the only thing you can do is be totally frank with her, you could say something along the lines of:
"This is the only arrangement that works for us, you either take it or leave it. You need to stop organizing babysitters for us, we aren't comfortable leaving our new baby with one, that's not going to change and it's not your place to do so".
If she gets upset, she gets upset. If she wants you to be part of her day badly enough she'll get over it.
Wow - your sister is being a bridezilla! I'm concerned she's just going to get worse and more demanding the closer the wedding gets. As far as I'm concerned newborns are exempt from the no child rule. Is there anyone from your husbands side of the family that could help you? You didn't mention them at all.. if she's not going to budge personally I would book a hotel room nearby to the reception that way hubby can be close by with the kids and you can attend the photos and reception
We don't have any contact with my Husbands family.
We have already looked into getting a motel/hotel room but they are out of our price range. Our second child's medical care is going to be very expensive
Maybe you could tell your sister if she wants it her way she needs to pay for your accommodation? I bet she'd be more willing to negotiate with you at this suggestion lol
Ok, it's a tough situation and I can see both sides.
We had some unreasonable demands placed on us with weddings and it was horrible. That being said, they were unreasonable demands. No, a 16 year old cousin we haven't seen in 3 years doesn't get to bring his girlfriend we have never ever met!
When my sister got married we had rooms booked in the hotel the reception was in. The babysitter we hired babysat my son in the hotel room. That way we could duck up to check and was a very quick text message away and bolt down the corridor away. This is what I would suggest, IF your child didn't have medical needs. That being said there is no way I could afford the babysitter, so the BRIDE paid (which was generous of her, and I made the most of).
I think this is one of those situations your sister and her partner have to get OVER themselves. They can't have it every which way and a baby with medical needs comes before a wedding.
Wow fairly obvious she has no idea what it is like to have kids and how hard it is with a newborn! Stand your ground, she will understand one day.
Wow. I can't believe you haven't told her to f off. Your families health and well-being is more important than her ridiculous demands. I personally think you have been extremely accommodating and wouldnt let her try boss you around anymore. She is being unreasonable and I wouldn't stand for it. Why hasn't your mother pulled her into line. That's beyond a joke. It is not your job to cater to her every desire. She is acting like a spoilt child.
I had a no kids wedding however allowed babies under 12 months to come - particularly breastfed! But i can sympathise with both sides here - I honestly did not want ANY kids babies or not but I wasn't going to say no, it was a day for us and I can say that yes a baby did ruin the ceremony and reception from screaming and being disruptive during speeches (obviously not it's fault or the parents though!) and looking back on the wedding video it sucks big time. But as a family member she should be much more understanding :( where will you girls be getting ready the morning of the wedding? Is your sister staying locally after the reception? Potentially could you ask for your baby to be placed at the motel and you and your husband can alternate looking after him/her? I know it's a bad solution but could work.
We are getting ready where the ceremony is being held (they have a couple of rooms for bridal party to get ready in on site) and then the reception is about 20mins away from there. After the Reception they are staying in a hotel near the airport and going on their honeymoon 2 days later. The hotel is about an hour away from the ceremony location.
Look its their right to say no kids (that usually doesnt include newborns that you wouldnt notice anyway) but they can, and then of course parents of kids do whats right for them. Especially breastfeeding a newborn, its your call. Fair enough if you do the ceremony then go home, otherwise have husband wait outside with baby then go home or hotel for a bit then back to reception and husband misses out. Its your call.
Oh my goodness! Why do people have to make weddings so difficult for their guests? Gah. I am mad for you!
Because it's the one day it's all about them and no one else ;) well.. usually. Until people try and make it about them instead.
Yes but when youre talking about care of a newborn, or child even, it is up to the parents to figure out ans do whata right for them.
Sending links to babysitters and asking neighbours is overstepping and shows how much they dont understand so of course they think youre being a pain. Theyll realise theyve been douches about it eventually. You can only do what works for you its clear youre trying to be there.
This just baffles me that your sister is being like this.... I actually can't believe it. Thank god that's not my sister, I feel for you.
If I was your sister I would just allow you to bring your kids considering for 1 you are family , 2 you will have a newborn with medical issues plus breastfeeding and 3 that means your hubby can attend and you can all enjoy the whole wedding. Who cares if the other guests can't bring their kids and isn't fair for them as you are her sister for goodness sake so that rule shouldn't even apply to you. I think it's more unfair that hubby will have to stay home with the kids because sister is being unreasonable and not letting u have your kids attend
I think that people get carried away during weddings.. it is one day and your sister really needs to get some perspective. I wouldn't have even asked about bringing a newborn that I was breastfeeding, it is a given that they would be with their mum! Your sister is putting you in a hard position and she doesn't sound like she has kids herself. If your eldest can't attend, my suggestion is to leave him at home with hubby and you and the newborn go by yourselves. Newborns are not disruptive in my experience, just stick a boob in his/her mouth 😂
Your sister is being self absorbed. I'd tell her to shove it personally. And frankly, I've never said that to anyone!
I had a 3 yr old and a newborn when my husband and I were invited to his cousins wedding in another state. There were to be no children at the wedding. The family is close and the cousin knew we had young children. All babysitting options that we would have been comfortable with were attending the wedding. The cousin couldn't understand why my family couldn't look after my children. My siblings live in other states and my dad has terminal cancer and my mum is his carer. We didn't attend. The cousin no longer speaks to us.
Kids or no kids at weddings is the wedding planners choice. I don't begrudge what they choose to do. However they then need to understand that this may mean some people with children can't attend. I don't have any advice unfortunately because I think you have tried to be as accomodating as you can given the circumstances. Best of luck.
Oh my!!! Unfortunately your sister can't have everything she wants...Really life just doesn't work that way...a bit unreasonable not to let you have your newborn at the wedding I think..you are her sister after all :/ you can only do what you can do...good luck!! She'll understand when she has children that best laid plans rarely work out lol!
My BROTHERS wife did very similar to us I was Bridesmaid
Our 1st child was 6 weeks old. We live in another state.
She was upset that we couldn't give her a precise size of my dress months before the wedding.
He was the 1st grand child, she didn't want a baby over shadowing her wedding.
I had to get a friend that I had not seen in years to mind a 6 week old baby they knew nothing about.
I pumped as much milk as I could.
SiL wouldn't tell us the hotel they were staying at as I did not stay with them the night. She wanted a last hurrar, couldn't work out 6 weeks of no sleep was not making me a party animal.
My dad and I had to ring my brother to find the hotel, as the hair dresser and dress was there.
I was getting on a plane and going home at this point.
My brother had to talk her around.
As the ceremony dragged on in the hot sun I near passed out. Baby started crying, my milk came through.
Lucky just as it was finishing, had to go feed him sitting in a car.
SIL was livid people were fussing
I sent my poor friend home and told my brother this was ridiculas.
Our boy is 7 years old and SIL still hates me.
I think you have to be honest with what you are prepared to do. If you want your kids there, then tell her, ensure there's a quiet room for hubs to take the kids to, if they're fussing, need feeding or for a sleep.
Assure her hubs will leave the ceremony/reception quickly and quietly if either child is crying/fussing. You are not regular guests. You are family. The no kids rule does not apply as far as I'm concerned, especially when in the bloody bridal party!
My neices and nephew were in my bridal party and were at the reception. No other kids were invited. People know this (or so I thought)
I was a 6 month pregnant matron of honour at my sister's wedding, my 2 yo daughter a flower girl. My in laws came and took her home, as they lived 5 minutes away, and she was worn out.
My SIL invited my 3 kids to her wedding...
See the pattern? Neices and nephews of the bride and groom are accepted, if other guests carry on "what about my kid?" then they're unreasonable dick heads 😊😂
You'll be a much calmer and helpful sister/matron of honor if you know kids are nearby and well cared for by hubs
You are being ridiculous in my opinion. You must have friend who has watched your daughter who could mind the baby. They have 3/4 weeks before the wedding.
I think you have worked yourself into a situation where the wedding is about you. I think not know how sick/not sick the baby will be is also misleading.
**I have a severely disabled child and i have never made another person's occasion about him and his care.
I'm the same! I also can't believe there's not ANY cheap accommodation available in the area, none at all. I also know from experience that she won't be paying for her child's care if she lives in Australia, as I'm sure you're aware also.
Wow. 'You must have people to watch your children' ??? Welcome to the real world, there are people that really dont. And this is talking about a newborn, with medical issues, and leaving them to drive teo hours away, its not a short trip. I think this is so coldhearted of course her priority right now is her baby not figuring out how to leave it for an extended time to make someone else happy.
OP Here: I am in Australia. We are going public, but we have to hire 3 pieces of medical equipment, not all the medication is on the PBS and we have to see specialists who do not bulk bill. Not everything we will need is medicare funded either (a fair chunk is, but not all of it) so yes we do still have to pay for medical care in Australia.
Also, its not a case of there not being any cheap accommodation available. Its we do not have the funds for it on top of everything else we are paying for.
FFS!!!! Sisters that are brides are a nightmare!!! Pass the bridesmaids duties to someone else. My relationship has never been the same with my sister since she's been married. She turned nasty over how she wanted her day, definitely saw the evil side !!
Are you in Australia? My child was born with medical issues and they have been ongoing and I have spent plenty of time at Ronald McDonald house over the years (we live regionally). I think you will find if you go public, there will be no out of pocket expense for your sick baby and they may even provide accommodation in the hospital or close by for free (if you live far from the hospital), anyway that's my years of experience with it. Also, I don't think you can really make a call at this point if you can leave your baby until you see what medical intervention is required, it's really hard to give advice without knowing what the medical condition is. Some conditions are serious long term and require heaps of intervention but aren't life and death and kids are fine to be minded, some aren't. I'm not sure where you got the idea you would have to pay for your child's care? If you have private health insurance, don't use it, most of the best surgeons where I live work out of the public hospital anyway and usually have their own private practice. I have also spoken to many mums along the way that we're given worst case scenario doomsday diagnosis when pregnant and the reality is much less severe, I think sometimes they try to prepare you for the worst.
OP Here: Yes I am in Australia. We are going public, but we have to hire 3 pieces of medical equipment, not all the medication is on the PBS and we have to see specialists who do not bulk bill. We live close to the city so we don't get any accommodation. We have a confirmed diagnosis so we know what it is we are dealing with (not comfortable saying what it is as I don't want to make it about my child's diagnosis). We have spent so much time going over what is going to be involved, what we will need to do and so forth. We have been told best case, most likely case and worst case, plus all the bits in between. We have a wonderful team of doctors who are taking extremely good care of us.