I'm 39 years old. One of my closest friends and I had a falling out a year ago. There was no such "incident" but I found in the months prior that I could never pick her moods, she was often very short and dismissive of me, would rarely keep in contact despite me making an effort and I just felt that it was very much a one-way friendship. On a few occasions I reached out to see if she was OK and I would get one worded responses or nothing at all.
I thought I would gently back off and leave things be. Six months later and after no contact, we attended a mutual friends 40th birthday and she came up to me all hugs and kisses like nothing was wrong. It completely blew me away and after stressing about things for so long I basically fired back at her (in tears) and said that I found her behaviour inappropriate and not how friends treat each other. She was completely stoney faced, no emotion and kept saying that her life is really busy and I'm over-reacting. We've since had no contact.
Fast forward another 6 months and the situation is very stressful and I'm guttered that I've lost a friend I had so much respect for. We also share many mutual friends and as a result I feel I've been completely excluded from social events plus the fact our kids are friends and her children have been told not to speak to me.
Please give me some advice. I admit I was harsh on her that night but I didn't appreciate being treated so poorly by someone who was supposed to be a good friend. This is like primary school rubbish all over again!
4 Replies
I've been on both sides here.
I've been mentally and emotionally shut down and it wasn't that I didn't want to be a good friend, I just couldn't and didn't have the words to explain what had happened or why.
It wasn't until 10 years after the fact I could explain to my friends why I couldn't speak, what was happening and how I felt.
Then I didn't know how to re-connect with my friends because I felt I'd been shitty. I think when your friend saw you she was so very pleased to be given the opportunity to reconnect.
That's the point of friends. You can be not so great in fact shit at being a good friends (because life happens and not everything is about you) but your friends will forgive and pick up the friendship where it left off when you are able.
Ive also been on the receiving end. Wondering what is going on for my friend. Hoping that one day things will be at the point where she is back to being able to be an active friend.
How do you cope now? Maybe you apologise (if that's what you want). Maybe you just mourn the loss and start creating new friendship outlets.
Thanks for your reply. The problem is I'm not coping at all. In fact, I'm devastated and not a day goes by that I don't think about the friendship that is no longer there. It is mentally exhausting. and it's not in my nature to fall out with people. I've reached out to her twice via text message and had no reply. The issue is also our mutual friendship group and our children. I'm turing 40 in a few weeks and my husband has planned a big party but to not have her there is very sad, to the extent that I want to pull the plug on the whole thing.
Appreciate you taking the time to reply, the mourning will just take a bit of time.
Was she drunk at the mutual friends bday party lol? Sorry not trying to sound funny but sometimes people will feel more relaxed and out going after a drink or two and maybe she got the confidence to approach you, she probably has been missing you too and thought was a good opportunity to come greet you with hugs and kisses.It sounds like your really missing your friend which is understandable so
Maybe you could invite her to your 40th birthday party,? Try to reconnect with her that way? Life's to short so it needs to be sorted so you can rest easy and stress less about over thinking it and worrying to much
I hope you can get some peace of mind and sort out the situation
I would go to her house one day and just talk it out. Explain how you feel and see if she feels the same? Perhaps there's more to it than you realise. Perhaps she had picked up on behaviours on your part that she didn't enjoy?
When I had my first born I became the friend that shut off people who had been my friend for 15 years. The reason being that they were very negative, insecure and I felt that their problems were constantly weighing me down. They were so much drama and energy. When I cut that group out of my life my emotions suddenly picked up and I became a really positive and I feel more mature person. I am not saying that you are that friend but there are often reasons, hard to explain, on why a friend distances themselves. Hopefully if you're willing to listen without judgment maybe your friend can provide you with guidance.
The other side of my story is that one particular friend reached out and asked me why I had distanced myself. I was brutally honest, gave her some time and she self reflected and agreed she was exactly as I described and couldn't believe she had allowed herself to slip into behaviours like that. We have been closer than ever and she has also never gone back to the person who thrived off drama.