My 8 year old daughter behaves in such a way that the whole family is suffering and I'm ready to give up.
She constantly over dramatises absolutely everything, especially when it comes to sweets, rewards and material items.
She has always been quite bossy, over dramatic, and loud, constantly parents her older brother and yonger sister, to a point where she tries to override my authority when I am trying to put our youngest down for a nap.
She is extremely argumentative with anybody, me, her father, grandmother and her brother and has an absolute obsession with every morsel of food/drink/treats, always checking levels in the cups/bowls and arguing he has more even though he doesn't. I don't understand it at all, she never misses out and all our children are raised and disciplined exactly the same.
She has a beautiful caring soul but her jealous, greedy, argumentative and attention seeking behaviour is destroying our family, and our relationship with her.
She is currently seeing a child psychologist because it has gotten so bad that I thought she may have been suffering with extreme anxiety. She is keeping the entire household awake, crying and screaming and sending herself into a panic, for various different reasons. First it was the dark, then it's noises, then it was because she feels lonely and now it's because of some silly game her friends played at school. She has not slept in her own room for nearly two months, and it's really starting to affect mine and my husbands relationship, between lack of sleep and no personal space. It's also affecting our son, he never wants to be home or around her, and our youngest is picking up on her behaviours!
The psychologist thinks it's 3 things, behavioural, anxiety and on the spectrum of something. My husband and those looking in from the outside seem to think it's more on the behaviour side and attention seeking. I've tried reward systems and different disciplines but it doesn't seem to faze her.
She's fine at school! Report card was great, typical average child and i haven't had any bad reports from teachers about behaviour etc.
I guess I'm at a loss, as it's affecting the whole family, and she seems to not really care as long as she gets what she wants in the end. She's being referred to a paediatrician and may go through the program to rule out Aspergers etc, but there is an 18 month waiting list.
I don't even know what I'm asking, I'm scared of failing her and not being able to be the mum I can be, but it's getting too hard and it's affecting my relationship with her.
Bad Behaviour in 8 year old.
Bad Behaviour in 8 year old.
Posted in:
Kids
6 Replies
3 things stood out to me in this:
First - her age! 8 is a really hard age for girls I think. They're going through a bit of a hormonal shift, friendship dynamics are changing. It's sort if an in between age, they aren't little kids anymore but they're not as grown up as they think they are either.
Second - She's a middle child. I think that's where a lot of the attitude, bossiness, argumentativeness and the tendency to be a bit 'highly strung' comes from.
Third - She's not displaying any of these behaviors at school, which makes me think it's unlikely that she's on the spectrum because these traits usually cause problems at school too, though I think exploring the possibility of anxiety and other behavioral issues would be prudent.
In terms of advice I will offer you this; keep persisting with child phycologists and pediatricians, even some occupational therapy may be beneficial.
As for parenting, you may need to adjust your parenting style to a way she responds better to, I think offering her some more responsibility may help her feel useful and in control (hopefully this will help her lay off her siblings a bit too).
Good luck!
This advice is great and I have to agree with everything.
Would she like to cook dinner, help do the washing, can she bath the youngest or get them dressed in the mornings?
Giving her some jobs to do, to give her responsibility, then when it comes to your jobs (such as putting the youngest down for a nap), you tell her it's your turn and that she's done her jobs for the day.
I don't have much other advice but good luck.
Honestly, I'd be going down the avenues of getting a diagnosis ruled out ASAP, if there is a faster way to do the Aspergers diagnosis, do it. Girls often present very well and 'normal' at school. Problem is they use all there energy trying to keep it together at school and when they are at home they let loose.
I was you daughter. If my mum had told the teacher how I was at home, versus school, the teacher would have thought mum was lying! At home I tried to control everything, had massive tantrums/meltdowns. It must have been exhausting for my mum.
Good news is, if she gets a diagnosis there is a lot more knowledge and support to help your daughter these days and help you, help her.
Dont listen to anyone looking in telling you what it is and is not, they can not possibly know!! Assumptions like if shes ok at school then its not asd, or basically because she doesnt look like what they think an autistic kid looks like (there is no look). If paed is considering it, get educated yourself before ruling it out based on opinions.
does she meltdown as soon as she gets home or back with you? Thats what my girl does and its from the pressure of holding it together all day.
Otherwise, it seems that youre concerned with your relatiionship, and I just want to say if you just love her when she needs it, you'll be ok. Accept it might not be a quick fix and take the pressure off, if she sleeps with you then thats what it takes for now, her getting enough sleep is important it will affect her mood. If measuring drinks and evening them out makes her feel in control, then let her do it. Try to separate the issues and work on one thing at a time for now, be understanding, encourage her siblings to support and love as well, and longterm keep following up with the paed and psych.
You can do plenty of research while waiting for paed appt. the more you can understand her, the better you can support her. I so hate the attention seeking label! Um like attention is a bad thing?!?
Read up on girls with aspergers, there are more books and specialists focusing on girls now and how they present differently to boys. Also anxiety disorder, but anxiety pretty much goes hand in hand with autism but if so debilitating, it does get its own diagnosis.
Just know she is not doing anything just to annoy you. Imagine how bad it feels knowing you're pissing people off yet you can't stop it. This is where she needs you, she needs her family to understand and to help her cope better in this world. Work closely with the psychologist, they should be giving you all strategies. School is more predictable that's why a lot of kids of the spectrum go ok during the day and then lose their shit at home. Home is a safe place to be yourself
My then 8 year old was displaying all of those traits plus more, she could hold it together at school but the minute she walked in the door she would melt down. Sensory overload is what the pead called it, she was eventually diagnosed ASD and ADHD. I tried medication for her however neither of us liked the side effects she had. She still has medication to sleep however otherwise she wouldn't sleep! I have made changes to her diet and how I handle her behaviour. It's not easy and we still have bad days, however once I educated myself on ASD and she had a diagnosis, the school helped with more one on one lessons which in turn helped with the sensory overload which happens at school and then I had the tools to help her when she came home.
I would definitely look into the ASD route, however if it comes back that she's not on the spectrum and its behavioural or an age thing, the same strategies can help. Plus 18 months is way too long to wait. My daughter was sucicidal after 6 months cause she hated the way she was and couldn't understand herself. It was then I pushed for an immediate assessment. I waited 6 weeks! Good Luck! You're doing the right thing by getting the ball rolling.
Girls also are harder to diagnose as they mimick their peers. So much research has proven girls can get diagnosed later in life.