Trigger warning
This morning I woke to the raido station talking about how imcopident the NSW police are at dv and sexual assault. How they just don't take it serious enough. I could relate so well. I reported my rape but because I agreed at the start they said it wasn't rape. It soon got grafic with someone tell her story I asked my partner to turn it off but he just turned it down knowing what was on. He has never understood what I have been through with my ex.
So after hearing the raido today it has been a trigger to me and I havnt been my self today
My partner has distanced him self today cause I'm odd and wont tell him whats up. I gave up a long time ago trying to talk to him about it cause he just donest understand.
So that's why I'm writing here. Maybe someone will understand
I was raped on my 21st
I spent the day waiting for my ex to get home from work he was controlling and wouldn't let me see my mum. So he soon got home and we went out. He took me to a titty pub. He wouldnt let me drink lucky though as I was pregnant and didn't know. He meet a mate there and they had a good night drinking gambling and smoking. I said out side on my own.
We got home late that night. He wanted sex. So I gave him it. He wasnt the guy you say no to. So I faked an orgasam to get it over with. He noticed and got so mad. He held me onto him and was hurting my arms he wouldnt stop when i asked, he soon finished and then told me to get off that he had faked it and how do I feel now. You don't fake it with the person you love. I ram for the door he jumped up and slamed it shut and pushed me to the grown. I reached for my pants but he took them off me throwing them telling me I wasn't alound to get dressed. I starred to scream he covered my mouth telling me I will wake his parents who we were living with at the time. He hurt my eye again that he had broken a few weeks before. He then told me how shit and worthless I was how I give shit blow jobs how no one will ever love me. When he was done hurting me we hoped back into bed and all he had to say was happy fuckn birthday.
Its becoming to much to deal with some days. I hate birthdays now I just don't do them. I wish there was some one who understood who would listen. Its been 2 and a half years now and it still feels like yesterday it happend some times.
I have been diagnosed with PTSD and see some one it does help but not 100%
Does the pain of rape ever go
Does the pain of rape ever go
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Mental Health, Self Care, Health & Wellbeing, Behaviour
4 Replies
I'm so very sorry you went through that.
I don't want to minimise anything you went through. The entire relationship sounds like a hellish nightmare and the rape like another hellish addition to that.
I'm so sorry, and although I can't offer any advice from direct personal experience, I would know there are domestic violence and sexual assault specific services out there to help with the emotional aftermath. I don't know if you've used any of those services? I think it's probably worth a try.
Also have you ever been assessed for PTSD? It would not be an uncommon diagnosis for someone in your situation. Id make a long appointment with your GP as soon as possible, and discuss options with them. If you find you can't find the words to say what you need to say in the appointment you could get them to read what you wrote.
I wish you the best, and I hope you can find some peace in your mind.
I don't think the pain, feelings of helplessness, the flashbacks etc. ever go away. But they do get easier to deal with. I've never told many people about my rape 'experience' but I did find that talking about it helped me build up a resilience when I thought about it. I can't even imagine someone that is meant to love and care for you doing something like that to me. For me, it was 3 complete strangers. I will never know who they were and I'm fine with that. It happened to me about 12 years ago and I find it still can effect my day to day life now. Don't be too harsh on yourself! You've been through something so traumatic, you're allowed to 'grieve' (for lack of a better word) how ever long you need. BUT in saying that, don't let it hold power over you. You survived! Yes, you're a rape victim. But you need to be strong and move along from it so it doesn't keep a hold over you for the rest of your life. Please, do yourself a favour and talk about this to someone. Even if you ring a hotline of some sort so it's all anonymous. Stay strong and know that you didn't deserve it. It wasn't your fault.
I'm so sorry that happened to you.. I have no real answers but totally understand your pain.. My brother in law raped me a few times over the years, ten years later I found out that my sister and him have an open marriage, she had "given" him permission, it seemed her word trumped my no, don't touch me, my relationship with my sister means more to me ( I wasn't @aware" of their horrid agreement, my sister and I have never been close ) I never had him charged and I sure as hell wish I did.... His favourite "line" to use was "as your brother in law it's my duty to make sure your needs are met" ( I'm a single mum) PTSD is hard.... Hugs honey
Im sorry this happened. I was raped at 12yrs old by someone i new as well. Its something that will never be forgotten. There will always be small triggers. Its something that you learn to deal with, you learn to cope and find stratergies to help the anxiety and memory of it. Seeking help does help. Talking with people helps. I really hope you can move on and that relationship has ended, you dont deserve such horrible treatment. What will help is to embrace your birthday, go all out and fight your feelings. Dont let him run your life even if he isnt there by ignoring ur bday u are allowing him in and win. Its a hard rd but a rd u can walk. Your a woman and you can handle it all!! Xoxo