I cant take my marriage anymore. Married only 2 years and 2 kids under 5, my husband has depression and i cant help.
He mopes around 80% of the time, is a wet blanket on all my plans (he doesnt mean to be) and is always sp negative and quick to anger. He has pushed me so far away I no longer feel attracted to this stranger, but wont leave because i financially carry us (even though we both work fulltime) and I'm scared he won't cope without me. He hates his job and his life and constantly gets in bad moods. I cant handle it and am scared if I leave him, he WILL kill himself. Im scared if I ignore him - he WILL kill himself. I talk to him and reassure him all the time to make him feel better, but as time goes on I find it hard to come up with new solutions to the same problems. I worry that even if I stay, I'll get a call to tell me he has driven into a tree.
What do I do?
He needs help but he has already been to the GP and gone through weekly psych appointments. But they dont work.
Who can I call ? What can I do?
Husband is depressed and I dont love him.
Husband is depressed and I dont love him.
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Mental Health, Anxiety & Depression
6 Replies
You get your own psychologist. For you. You need to get your head sorted so you can decide what to do from here.
If he is genuinely suicidal then he needs to go to the emergency department.
Psych appointments can and do make a huge difference to those who do the homework. It's not really about going to talk to someone. It's about changing your thought patterns.
If he doesn't like his life, he can change it. He doesn't have to be married and he can go live off of unemployment if he wanted to.
I say this as someone who has been suicidal, and I'm also carer to my ,mentally ill adult son. Your husband still needs consequences for his crappy actions. I also wonder if your husband is actually emotionally/psychologically abusive and he is controlling you with his actions. But a psychologist is best placed to help you sort that out.
He isnt at all abusive
Ive been in that scenario and know the difference. He wants more out of life but just cant cope with responsibility or anything 'normal' eg a 9-5 job. Its becoming too much to handle to carry him too.
He can change his life, he knows it.. But when he takes steps towards it he litterally stops coping with life. He even got a new job and 2 months later he is depressed. Ive told him to quit and go on the dole, he doesnt want to mooch, he feels bad even asking me for money.
He has no family except me, I feel im all that holds him together and I cant do it for much longer
I was in your situation 2.5 years ago. I loved my husband but no longer was in love with him. I tried throughput our Marriage to help him with his PTSD but it got to the point where I had to leave. I had to put myself and my daughter first instead of trying to help a man who didn't want it.
I was hard, especially the fear of him suiciding, I've lost two siblings to suicide so this was my biggest fear.
It was the best thing I did for all of us.
He woke up and I think he is getting the right help he needed.
My daughter and I still attend regular counselling sessions but we are stronger.
I understand. I have a mental health condition. It is hard on a partner. You do whats best for you. Please dont waste your life in a holding pattern out of fear and guilt. You are not able to be responsible for him and his life. You cant fix him x
Look. I'm in your boat. 2 kids under 5, 2 years of ongoing depression, and the fear that my husband will kill himself. It is so fucking hard to carry the family when you just can't see the light at the end of that tunnel.
Is your husband on anti depressants and how long has been depressed for? Anti depressants take time to work but it really is day by day. Some days are good, some days are picking him up off the bathroom floor. But at the end of the day, it's all about in sickness and health for me. He's sick- and I hold on to who he was and that one day he may very come back to me. In the meantime we adjust to life day by day
I'm so sorry for some of the comments you have received.
These "perfect" women obviously have not been in our situation.
I commented on the FB post yesterday, and wanted to tell you that I understand!
It's sooooo fucking hard!
Especially when your partner is a fucking jerk when it comes to his mental health.
I have a partner who is depressed. He was suicidal (thoughts), but has gotten slightly better with not thinking those thoughts as much. (That I know of).
I've pulled a knife out of his hands more times than a partner should.
I look back now, as realise he is just emotionally abusing me in that sense.
He wants to feel wanted, and feels like saying he'll kill himself is one way to get it.
If he does say he's going to kill himself again, I won't stop him. I'll call the ambulance, but that's it. (I'm now 99% sure he wouldn't go through with it).
And to all those people telling you that you're just throwing this marriage away because he's sick and you're over it, don't listen!
I think about leaving my partner daily. My partner is on meds, has counselling but still no improvement. But he believes that he shouldn't have to be the one that has to make changes. A direct quote "why do I have to make the changes. What are YOU going to do"?, to which I replied "I have done all I can do. I can't make you better. It's something you have to make changes for. It's your mental health ". This was then followed by him grabbing a knife to slit his wrists. (Again, all for show).
Some men truly just can't be fucked putting in any effort to get better. Or give a half arsed attempt at it. Mine is one of them.
I too feel like I no longer love my partner.
He's depressed. He has anger management issues. He makes my life miserable because why should I be happy when he isn't.
If you took the depression out of the equation, all these women would be telling you to leave now!
Depression give them no right to treat their family like shit. It's just a cop out.
Start going to his appointments. See how honest he's really being.