Hi ladies, I would love some advice on how to support a good friend without over stepping the mark?
I have met a wonderful friend and we have become close over the last 6 months. I truly feel that I can be myself around her. When she pops over after work, she is a little ray of sunshine because she works in aged care and absolutely loves her job. But the problem is her husband. Ever since I first met him, I've had this feeling that he is a bad man. They have been together about 20 years and have two kids. He has mental health issues. Bipolar, anxiety and depression. He is medicated. But you wouldn't know it. He emotionally abuses her. Spends all their money, complains about everything especially work, hates his life and makes the rest of his family miserable, drinks and takes drugs to numb his feelings, smashes things around the house, got drunk and got in my friends car and backed it into a tree, the list goes on. He is not nice to her or the kids. When she gets home from work, he bombardes her with every feeling he has and tells the kids to go away so he can talk to their mother. He does this for hours daily. She's mentally exhausted I can see it. They never have money because he's hopeless. She says she will never leave him because of mental health issues. I feel he uses that as an excuse to act like this. She has to do everything for him. She says he wants sex three times a day and gets the shits if she doesn't do it. The more she tells me, the more I feel that I can't be the friend who just listens anymore. I can't tell her to leave him, it's her life and I respect that. I don't want to lose her as a friend, but he is the reason for all the problems in her life. She's so negative when she's been around him. How can I remain friends with her and support her? I feel like Im going to explode one day and tell her what I really think. I want to be a good friend, does that involve telling her the truth or just supporting her when she needs it? This is a daily battle, he is like this everyday.
I'm not sure how much is mental health and how much is him hiding behind it.
3 Replies
It is really hard. I got to the point where I had to set up boundaries with a friend because I mentally couldn't handle it anymore.
I basically told her, I loved her, I wanted to be a good friend and support her, but I could not listen to it anymore. I'd be up all night worrying about her and feeling sick and she refused to do anything about her situation. I told her she needed to get a professional to talk to because as much as I wanted to, I could not listen to her talk about her partner.
I was there when she finally left and I supported her all the way through it, but I would not listen anymore.
I don't know how those on the outside do it. My best friend watched me deal with it for about 8 years. But she knew that it was me who had to be ready to leave. I wanted to leave though, I just didn't know how. I'm now 4000km from her because I left.
I then tried to support a friend through similar. I had to walk away. I had to many issues of my own to help her through hers. Unfortunately she felt comfortable telling me everything - this brought up my own memories & my PTSD symptoms. I couldn't keep going back for more.
I think you need to be honest with her. Tell her you don't think his mental health is a good enough excuse to treat her the way he does. Maybe she just needs someone to point it out to her.
I'm in your friend's shoes except I cut him off alcohol for self medication because he's even more aggressive when he's drinking. Some of my partner's issues is behavioural. He's diagnosed with bipolar, chronic depression, social anxiety, psychosis. I have a close friend I can confide in and she doesn't make me feel like I'm stupid. She tells me I deserve better but she won't judge me on why I stay because she knows how I feel. We (partners of people suffering from mental health illness) feel torn all the time. I try to lead my partner to the right places to get some help. When it's good it's great, when it's bad ... When he cheats, when he screams, you feel defeated and at that point is where you just be there for her, you support her because she won't have that support at home with what she chooses. He will try and get her to stop being friends with you if he feels like you're a threat to the relationship, but his aggression is a sign that his issues are not managed. He needs some help too. I don't know if you read up on bipolar or any of that stuff but might help your friend so you understand it a bit more.