Hi ladies, I am in need of some advice.
Last week my hubby went out for a while, while he was out he txt me and told me he didn't know what he wanted anymore, he felt like a stranger in our home and he wasn't in love with me anymore. I knew something was not right so I begged him to see a doctor, he was diagnosed with depression.
Since the diagnosis he has pulled away from me completely. We are still living together but only for the sake of our son. He has taken off his wedding ring, moved into the spare room and as far as he is concerned we are separated.
He is taking medication for the depression and we are both going to have separate counseling (and more then likely couples counseling down the track- if we make it to that).
Talking to him about everyday things he is fine. We communicate great. I have tried talking to him face to face about how he is feeling but he just seems to be shut down, txting he seems to open up to me- if I ask questions and start the conversation. He has told me he is confused about what he wants (to happen with us), 'he loves me for the sake of our son but he is confused about everything else'. He has also said at the moment he doesn't want to be together but he wants to see if the medication and counseling help him sort out how he is thinking/feeling.
I've never had anyone close to me have depression so I don't know what I'm dealing with. I have done research on depression and joined forums for some kind of insight but I'm still at a loss.
Him pushing me away, could that be the depression talking?
I'm not sure how long I can keep being pushed away before I just stop trying.
Do I give him distance? Or do I try to show him affection?
I am completely shattered and at a loss on what to do next.
Husband diagnosed with depression. He is pushing me away.
Husband diagnosed with depression. He is pushing me away.
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Mental Health, Anxiety & Depression
7 Replies
Oh massive hugs. Depression is so hard for all involved. I was like your husband, my now husband stood by me through everything including the self harm. I never stopped loving him but was horrible to him because I thought it'd be easier if I decided to end my life.
As someone who has suffered from depression and cared for someone with mental illness, this is what I'd do.
I'd give him time, and give the medication and counselling a chance. That doesn't mean he gets to leave you in limbo forever, but 3months maximum and you will know where you stand. 3 months when you have a child and this is a new to him illness isn't long in the scheme of things.
As hard as it is, talk about day to day stuff, but for now I'd avoid the Big discussion about your relationship until you've spoken to a counsellor.
It's possible he is unfortunately just not happy being married and he genuinely wants out, it's possible he is depressed. The fact that he is seeing a counsellor and at this point trying to do the right things,I'm think it's worth giving it 3 months, then reassess.
Where things be one a drop dead deal breaker for me are 1. If he starts trying to date/meet other women/chatting to women online 2. When he is not doing the homework set by counsellors or stops attending appointments. 3. If he becomes verbally or physically abusive. 4. He moves out. 5 your own mental health is put at risk.
I would take a huge step back right now. I know youre still hoping its the depression and he'll come back, but depressed or not, when you don't want someone the thoughts and feelings are the same. You supporting, loving, hoping, all just pushed him away more. Be there if he needs to talk - exactly as he said because you care as the father of your child. Apart from that let him miss you and wonder what youre up to.
I dealt with the exact same thing a few years ago. I stuck with him, gave him space, made him see a doctor gor medication and get therapy as well. Then i just hung in there and waited until he needed me. He came good but it took a very long time. I almost didnt make it. As soon as depression passed all the love came back, and he proposed. We've been together another 5 years since then and going strong. There is light at the end of the tunnel but its a LONG tunnel.
One of the things that you need to know is that the medication can make it impossible to get an erection, and for a female, to have an orgasm. Make sure he is aware of this.
He is communicating with you, even by text is better than not at all. Listen to him. Yes give him space. Isn't that what he's asking of you?
I have depression and I need to be just left alone in my bubble sometimes. I do question my relationships and all of life when I'm down, but I've learnt not to act on anything my brain might be saying when in that phase. Just be patient. Live your life as happy and as best you can. Get the support and counselling you need.
Yes, depression makes you think and feel differently. Rather then a sadness, I tend to feel numb. Bored, uninterested, unmotivated. I haven't got to the stage of not feeling emotions, but this isn't unusual.
I wouldn't force physical affection but would reinforce verbally that you love him, you are there for him and you want him to get better.
Medication can take several weeks to really start to work, and even after that it can take trial and error to find the right medication at the right dosage. I recommend getting the GP to get him to see a psychiatrist as well as a psychologist. Psychiatrist specialise in medication and will be more able to get him sorted out quickly then a GP. Psychologist are very good for dealing with the rest (talking, coping tactics, strategies going forward) but they don't do medication. It really is a team effort for this.
There is light at the other side. Honestly. It is hard, I've been a sufferer all my life and I have helped loved ones through their own illnesses. It is tough, on both sides. As long as he is willing to work on it and try to get better - don't give up. If he starts to use it as an excuse to treat you badly or behave in unacceptable ways then you may have to reaccess.