I wrote in around 10 months ago asking for advice about my mother, who had continued to support my brother after I told her that he had abused me.
Well since then I ended up making the police statements about all the sexual abuse I went through as a child including from my brother. It took a while and has been really hard on my mental health but I am glad I did it.
But she has refused to talk to the police because she doesn't want to "take sides" and have him to go to jail again.
I have spent months trying to change her mind about it all, despite everyone not believing she would. Well, you were all right.
I finally cut her off. I told her that if she can't do the right thing and stop enabling peadophiles and rapists then she wont be a part of mine and my kids lives.
It hurts so much. I miss her, the her that I had before she knew about all the abuse. It is honestly breaking my heart knowing that she wont do the right thing for me. She would rather lose her daughter and grandkids than lose her rapist son. I am not really coping at all. I feel so worthless.
I know I have made the right choice, but it doesn't make it hurt any less.
I actually did it
I actually did it
Posted in:
Life Lessons, Mental Health, Anxiety & Depression, Self Care
13 Replies
You have done the right thing. Yes it would hurt, but in time she may see what was really happening. I'm sure it's killing her too, but your protecting your children and that's the best thing you can do.
I don't know of your first post but wow, imagine being your Mum for just a minute. This would be horrific for her and you should not be involving her in this. Not trying to take away from your journey at all, but you do have to realise your Mum will be going through her own kind of hell. Best of luck with everything.
What about how more horrific it would be for the daughter as the actual victim
This is exactly the attitude that made me keep all the abuse a secret for my entire life until 2 years ago and caused me to attempt suicide and self harm for years as a child. Please educate yourself on abuse and trauma if you are going to comment on it. My mother should absolutely be involved. She is crucial to the police work and the abuse happened when I was a child in her care. By my own father and brother, along with other non relatives.
Would you prefer your own child to suffer in silence while being sexually abused by those meant to protect her? I know I wouldn't.
I truly sympathise with how hard it must be for my mother but you are absolutely undermining my trauma and my rights as a human being just because it would be hard for my mother to hear about.
Well said
I didn't know it was your father too, you only mentioned your brother. I have 4 kids and it would never cross my mind to protect one from the other in case of abuse. I think it's unfair to say she should have protected you from your brother when it's something no parent would ever think they need to do. I'm sorry for what you went through as well, but don't think your Mum is not suffering because she would be. Hopefully she comes around one day and can see it all for what it is.
And I never said anything about not speaking up, only about how hard this would be for your Mum and how difficult it would have been to 'take a side' when 2 of her children are telling conflicting stories on something so serious. You did the right thing by coming forward and I was not in any way trying to tell you that you shouldn't have.
She is involved. There's no escaping it. It is very hard for her. How torn would she be? How hard was it for her daughter to tell her mother that her brother, her mothers son, has behaved this way? She knew it would tear things apart, as ugly as it is,
it is necessary. It must come out to allow for accountability and healing.
My daughter told me my son had been attempting inappropriate things with her. I was angry. I told her she'd done the right thing saying something and that she was allowed to do whatever she needed to protect herself. Then I spoke with my son, at length, about what was about to happen. We got child and youth services in. They came and assessed our family, they had some very frank discussions with him and us Regarding safe behaviours etc. I don't trust him, but he knows what it means to be inappropriate now, he knows the police are next should he do it again. As a mother it's such a hard place. My mil is protecting her child molesting, incarcerated son and tellin me we can leave the kids with her when he's out as he poses no danger. She is angry at my husband for not seeing his brother or talking to him. She's angry at us for moving away from her because of him. She is hurting and upset at losing his kids as the mother, rightfully, took them away. It's a horrid situation but the person who has been abused needed to tell the truth and call the abuser to account. It will never be a thing that only hurts one. It will hurt the whole family.
So brave of you. I'm sorry she didn't do what she should have done for you.
You know what though You deserve so much better. It's your mother who doesn't deserve a fantastic child like you. It's your mother who is the problem, not you. It's your mother who doesn't deserve a relationship with your children.
Your children deserve people in there lives (like you) who will put there safety first. Your children NEED you and your children LOVE you.
Now your job is to treat yourself like you'd treat your children. You love yourself, because you deserve it. You nurture yourself, because you deserve it. Your children deserve to have a mother who loves herself.
I really feel your pain. As I had to go through something similar. My father sexually abused me as a child and my sister , over the years I finally opened up about it but my mum didn't want to believe it was true. In the end and after a long emotional court case ( he got off charges ) I had no choice but to cut my losses with my mum also.
After not seeing her or talking for 7 years she passed away suddenly, I missed her I regretted not being there but in the end you need to let go for the sake of your own kids and having a safe environment for them. Any contact with anyone that can associate with a pedo is toxic
Hopefully one day your mum will be able to side with you and support you
I read this early this morning before work and didn't have the chance to reply but I've thought of you all day, I remember replying to your first post! Good for you. 10 years on my mother is still out of my life, still chooses him. Her choice is a reflection of her not of me, just like your mums. It is sad, and it continues to be sad but in all honesty I'm truly ok and you will be too.
I am so sorry you have this mother :( there is no excuse for a mother not standing up for her child that's hurting and side with pedophilia..even if it's her son..when you're feeling bad about cutting her out just think about what you would do to protect your children and know you are the better person..please get help and be the best mother for your babies..they are worth it all!! Take care of you!! Sending positive thoughts your way x
I just wanted to comment and give you my feedback. I was sexually abused and raped by my father when I was a child. I came out and confronted him when i was 19 and I told my mum at this time what had happened. I too did a police statement but I didn't take it any further.
My mother stayed with him after the truth came out. He even admitted to some of what he had done. It was really hard for me for several years to accept that she stayed with him when I had struggled my whole life because of his actions. I felt completely betrayed by her that she would support him and not me.
I chose to work on myself through my spirituality and receive healing, learn about forgiveness and heal my own heart from the trauma. It made a massive difference to how I felt about what had happened and also about my mum's choices. I went from having to sit in so much pain, anger and blame, to being able to open back into love in my life again, and actually have a really beautiful loving relationship with her despite her being with my father. It was a long road but I love her, and I got sick of being in pain about it. It was destructive for me. In an ideal world consider if you would like a relationship with your mum. If you do, do something about this. If you don't then so be it, let it be. I would assume from your posting that you do, and it's been really friggin hard for you.
By having a relationship with your mum, it doesn't mean that she condones what happened, or that you accept her decision. Talking openly to her about how you feel, trying not to get into a argument, but just having an open honest discussion with her about how it's hurt you, that you don't feel supported. It will provide a platform for hopefully you both to talk about it. But be willing to accept that she doesn't need to change, she is who she is, and this isn't her fight, it's yours. And make boundaries that are suitable for your mental health and safety. i.e. I will not visit your home any more if certain relatives are there. I will not be attending xmas lunch etc if he is there.
I came to understand that my mum's choices were the best decision that she could make for herself in her own life dealing with what had happened. Just because I am feeling a certain way doesn't mean she had to.
At the end of the day, your mum isn't the one that abused you, and she isn't to blame, it's not her fault unless she actually knew about it and didn't do anything to stop it.
If she isn't supporting you the way you need, get it elsewhere and find what you need within yourself and other relationships.
I understand that it's painful. I get it, in my own way in different circumstances I have been there, but if you cut her out because of the anger, its a struggle as you love her and miss her, and that anger will keep surfacing and making you suffer. I recommend getting some healing work done to help yourself first and foremost.
I did however cut my father out of my life and that was the best decision I ever made.