Hi IM's
Ok so after falling pregnant to a boyfriend i had for a few months & terminated it for all the right reasons... I've been thinking of asking my son's father if we could have a child & co-parent like we are with our 6 yr old. We are both single.
But to be prutly honest & I'm going to get slammed but considering everything i don't think i could manage having a full time child my reasons are I work full time my mum is my run around babysitter if i cannot use her I would have to quit my job as I work long hrs & shift worker so child care is out of the question.
She gets a break on my son's dads days which is really helpful. But if i had a full time child it would put alot of strain on my mum & lets face it she isn't getting any younger.
My son's father works hard as well & works long hrs & his mum helps us out.
I know it sounds selfish but I've been separated from my son's father for 5 yrs & we get on great as friends. We both want another child but only if we get back together. But that's never going to happen because i cannot fall in love with him he just isn't the one for me..
I like my freedom every second weekend but sometimes we hang out as a family it's awesome.
I know I'm so lucky & blessed with my life but i was just wondering is there anyone else out there that has done it that has had a baby with an ex so the kids have the same parents?
20 Replies
I'm going to be honest with you hun, if you don't think you'd manage having 2 kids full time then you shouldn't consider another one yet. Parenting isn't a part time gig I'm afraid. You already rely on your mum a lot and enjoy your fortnightly freedom, which there's nothing wrong with but I think you need to consider what would happen if you did end up having to do it all alone (maybe your mum became unable to babysit and your parenting arrangements change with ex, leaving it all up to you).
I'm not saying you shouldn't but you need to think it through carefully
I think youre just being honest and thinking it through logistically which is a good idea!
I couldnt manage two full time either. Its a lot of work. Its not normal to be 24/7 with a child without a chance of a break. Its ok to admit that.
I think if he agrees it could work out great. I have two to an ex and it is great sending them both off together and everything being the same for both in that way.
At the end of the day youcan weigh up pros and cons foe any situation, but we all make what we have work. If you think it could work out, then its noone elses business.
I understand the yearning, and this might be part of the grieving process after your termination.
I would not do it.
I think it would be terribly unfair on your ex who probably still has feelings for you. There needs to be clear boundaries there and having a baby implies an intimacy you don't want with him.
I also think push comes to shove you are not prepared to make compromises in your career etc that would be necessary.
My rule for having kids, don't do it unless you are prepared to wear 100% of the burden at some point. Support people get sick/die/get fed up/move away etc. I'm saying this as a sole parent. Unless you can do it on your own if you have to, don't do it.
This is the point I was trying to make above, I think you worded it better though.
Very much agree... I also think the mother should be included in this decision making too given that she helps a lot. To the OP - sounds like you have a really solid co parenting relationship and your child will thank you for it. Not something you see a lot these days :-)
if we all had to plan our kids by imagining doing it alone, nobody would ever have kids!! Thats the worst case scenario and guess what, unfortunately it can happen to anyone anytime.
It sounds like a good plan? Have to talked to him about this? Is he on board?
It would be sucky to be such a busy mum but sometimes you gotta do what ya gotta do. Two kids is definitely hectic on it's own let alone while working full time, but you'd make it work if you have/want to.
I think you need to talk to your mum about it too, it sounds like you'll be wanting her to take on a fair bit of responsibility. You need to ensure she's actually willing to do that, it's not fair to just assume she'll take on more. A newborn is a lot more work than a 6 year old.
Hi poster here.
Yes your so right when i recently fell pregnant my mum was on board but she was totally by myself terminating the baby she could see it wasn't right. I kind of need to fall pregnant sooner rather than later due to my mum if something was to happen. I'm a deep thinker i have alot of support my son actually has 3 grandparents the 3rd are a retired couple & she said she would help me aswell. I am truly blessed i think about it daily if it wasn't for my family & friends I'd be totally lost.
Hi poster here.
Yes your so right when i recently fell pregnant my mum was on board but she was totally by myself terminating the baby she could see it wasn't right. I kind of need to fall pregnant sooner rather than later due to my mum if something was to happen. I'm a deep thinker i have alot of support my son actually has 3 grandparents the 3rd are a retired couple & she said she would help me aswell. I am truly blessed i think about it daily if it wasn't for my family & friends I'd be totally lost.
I think it's really disgusting that you terminated a recent pregnancy just to want another baby. You had a baby in your womb and you didn't want to be a mum to that baby so why be a mum to another baby so soon? A baby isn't an object you can pick and choose which one you want. I'm not agaisnt abortion. I'm agaisnt abortion just to have a different baby.
She had a grouping of cells in her uterus not a baby.
You know nothing about her previous relationship or why it ended. Sometimes it's safer to abort than have a baby with a man that is violent, a drug addict, severely mentally ill, or a child molester.
You can be against it all you like but keep it to yourself. Women need to build each other up not tear each other down.
What an utterly horrible comment.
She said she terminated for all of the right reasons! Maybe the ex was abusive and she didn't want him to have access to said child, because having it would leave her open to him for the rest of her life. Or maybe the baby had a major disability and had no chance of a decent quality of life. Do not judge!
I don't think you should be asking your ex if he wants a baby, I think you should be asking your mum. She sounds as though she is the one that will be literally having the baby. I'm sorry, I am a sole mum and all I can say is, don't do it. You are essentially not looking at being a parent but just doing it because you feel time is running out. If you cannot commit to bring ing another child into this world then I don't think you should do it. That whole question simply implied you were going to fall pregnant and carry the child but your mum was going to be, in a sense, the parent. I don't think that's right, nor fair on any parent or future child.
If you want a child, wait for the right time with the right person.
Wow....how can someone be so selfish! Let your mum have her own life and take some responsibility for your own. When you spoke to your ex you agreed that only if you got back together would you have another baby but have said you don't want to be with him. Have you even thought how this will impact on your ex especially if he does still have feelings for you? Let him go and find a partner who actually wants him and not just for his sperm! You have already said your work is more important to you, so how on earth could you think it's fair to bring another child into your life when you don't even want to look after it yourself. It is not your mums job to look after your kids because you don't want to. The people in your life who offered to help you when you were pregnant already knew you were pregnant!! There's a big difference between accidentally getting pregnant and trying to manage it and purposely getting knocked up when you know you have no intention of looking after your own child. Cannot believe how selfish you are being.
Some people actually WANT to help, maybe her mum is like that. I am having a planned baby however will need to return to work once my 18 weeks is up - financially it won't work. My mum will be looking after the baby 5 days a week when I return to work without any payment - it is what she wants to do! And saves me a lot of childcare fees. She is so excited because she can take her/him to all different places and become a huge part of her's/his life. This was planned way before trying to a baby too, she was planning to look after it 2 days a week but now wants to do every weekday. Work is also important to me, not more important in terms of socially, but financially it is!
Im kind of confused. Who looks after the child you already have ? If its your mum majority of the time then no. Your mum may not want to look after 2 children and its very unfair to expect her to do it. Why do you want another child? Also would your ex want to have another child with you when your not together? In one of the replies you stated you need to have another one soon in case something happened to your mum, who would look after the children if this happened?
Motherhood doesnt work like that youncan expext to be only a pt mum !! How selfish are you. You'd be making a huge mistake having a baby with that attitide. And to expext poor mum to have him her pt shes had her child/ren if youndont think younvan donit ft dont have a baby simple!
Fuck all the haters. Do what feels right for you.
I do think the key to having a baby in this co-parenting dynamic is collaboration and consultation.
Talk with everyone. Make a pros and cons list.
Consider things like what will happen if someone leaves the situation (new relationship/job/death). Also keep in mind that you could meet the man of your dreams at any given moment which could change your entire perspective.
Perhaps you could give some thought to seeing a counsellor to help you think things through.
Good luck with the path you choose.
Hi, you could always think about having a live in nanny.
A few of my friends have an au pair that lives in.
They aren't paid as much because you provide their accommodation.