IMs, I am cracking.
I am a single mum to a 7 year old and am 6 months pregnant to a new partner of 5 years. He has a son who is 8 and is with is 30% of the time. My partner has been emotionally absent most of the pregnancy, we have been fraying for a long time and was not with the mother of his son either so he does not know what it will be like with a full time newborn. we have talked and I've told him our boys need to grow up and learn to do things by themselves to save us the stress when we can't be there immediately. To add to the mix we now live in his father's house where his sister as demanded us sign a contract saying we can't live here for more than 18months so in the event their father should die- I don't affect their future asset. It's caused a rift, we have never seen a side so awful and I've never had a problem with her until this.
My son can tie his shoes, shower himself, dress himself, make himself brekkie. His son chooses not to and my partner will do all these things for him without question, plus tries to win his son's love with gifts and ridiculous amounts of sugar. I cracked it and in response partner has sworn at me and told me to 'gtfo of his house' and told me to 'f off'. Now I have all my things repacked and have been for a while. I am cracked and spiralling into depression but functioning as much as I can with a smile and leaning on friends for support where possible. I've been in bed today for hours teary while my son is at his dad's. We were supposed to go to couples counselling but I'm really unsure if that's even going to happen. He chooses when he wants to be 'here'. He is blaming me for the funk we are in, doesn't see why I have my guard up, and doesn't see why I feel like I want to move out to another place. I am so uncertain, and stressed, and unhappy. I told him I thought this would be a positive experience where he could experience his own child through the pregnancy but he's not here, just like he was denied with his son. The thought of being a single mum again, with a school aged child is frightening. What solution is there to make him wake up and man up?
25 Replies
I'm going to be honest. You can't make a man or anyone do differently. The only persons behaviour you can control is your own.
He is not going to change the way he parents his child because he doesn't want to. It makes him feel better to spoil his child rather than be a proper parent. He is emotionally immature and can not be there for you as he should be.
Honestly you are better off as a single mum. You have a strong sense of how you'd like to parent and you've laid excellent foundations with your son. There is nothing more lonely than living with someone who doesn't support you emotionally. So now it's hard because you are going through a grieving process, but in the end you and your kids will be better off.
The entire living arrangement sounded toxic and not a good environment for the kids.
You can't make him be a good parent and any man who will tell you to get the fuck out, isn't worth it.
Speak to your GP about getting emotional support and if I haven't been clear enough, don't waste any more energy on this guy.
Firstly, it sounds like you're on different pages when it comes to parenting and a little bit like you're comparing your 2 sons. Honestly, the shoelace thing is a bit petty. A lot of 8 year olds can't do their shoe laces, I'm sure he won't still be getting his dad to tie them up when he's 17, so I'd let that go. The diet I can understand though.
I'm not trying to excuse the way he spoke to you because that was totally uncalled for but he may have felt you were attacking his parenting, really it's up to your partner and his ex to parent their child how they see fit. If teaching their son independence isn't a huge priority then you can suggest a different approach but other than that it's up to them.
I do hope you go ahead with the couples counselling, learning to blend families is a huge effort for everyone involved.
I'd also try and move out of your FILs house ASAP, that would be adding to your stress
I just want to add too: Is he ok? I mean, mentally and emotionally? So often when men are 'absent' or emotionally detached/unavailable people are so quick to accuse them of being jerks, when sometimes there's more going on.
It sounds like your whole living/family situation isn't ideal at the moment, add in bub on the way, he might be feeling as overwhelmed and depressed as you are.
I wish you guys all the Best xx
He's a typical guy. He's admitted he doesn't know how to turn since the family incident, and he has 0 understanding or want to understand what I am going through so you're right there.
Do you ever try to understand him? The way you talk about him in the comments, do you actually love this man?
Actually yes I do. We have been to numerous couples counselling sessions over the years and in those times the communication floodgates have been forever open. Right now I probably don't love him because he can't even accept the fact that I feel physical pain from being pregnant and claims I can 'play the pregnancy card' at any stage. So you tell me how you would feel when the person you should depend on most will just trivially accuse you of faking, and not have any idea about the ups and downs of carrying a bloody child.
I agree, stop comparing your sons. If he is doing everything for his son, what is wrong with that? If he was asking you to do it all, I can understand, but he's the one doing it. I am a mum who actually enjoys getting up and making my son breakfast, sometimes I help my son shower and I still wash his hair (around the same age) as he doesn't wash the shampoo out properly and I enjoy doing these things. If you had five kids, I can understand, but you actually only have one and another 30 percent of the time? I don't get why you are controlling the way him and his son engage with each other, their relationship is unique. If he was buyinghis son lollies and was sitting there eating them in front of your son, then i would have issue with that. I think you are crossing the line here. Also, if you aren't on the same page with parenting, how were you expecting to raise this child together? You also need to communicate, him telling you to F off is unacceptable.
This is fair enough- I guess being a single mum and still doing everything for my son myself I have felt it take its toll on me over the years. I have almost no family support and work and study and wanted the arrival of baby no to be a massive nasty shock to the boys when we aren't there immediately to get them a glass of water when they are fully capable for example and baby might be having a tanty. Baby was an accident after I got very ill while overseas and ended up in hospital so the pill must have lost effectiveness. I'm just trying to be responsible and make an effort with the transition where he is pretty much in denial this is happening- and yes I have obviously thought how the hell is he supposed to parent this baby with me if he's not here right now already?
I'm also a working single mum and to be honest, it doesn't sound like he is in denial, I think you are over analysing everything. How long does it take to do up a shoe lace or put some cereal in a bowl? Plus there is two of you! I would stop with the all everything has to change because a baby is coming, you still parent the children you have. Maybe he is disconnected because he doesn't want this baby? Did you discuss options, what was his opinion on the matter?
I'm not over analysing everything. It's been this way for years. We have talked about this for a long long time. Yes there are 2 of us and at 6 months pregnant I can barely walk yet have to keep my son's school routine up and work and cook and clean. People have been asking why I haven't slowed down or why partner isn't doing more to help. I arrive home from work with my son and he's on the couch sleeping. He wants to do his own thing- that's fine. I am at the point I don't want to ask him for help and would rather do things myself because he's not 'here', despite the physical pain and stress. And actually you'd be surprised how long it takes to put cereal in a bowl when his son is whinging about how hard everything is and how his dad should be doing everything for him with a really ungrateful manner in front of my son. I am trying to prepare for a baby so shit doesn't hit the fan- is that so hard to understand? He's been hot and cold finger pointing, he comes to the party when he wants. And that's what's holding me back from being able to trust him.
Original poster here: I just wanted to clarify, I had mentioned the parenting in regards to when Bub comes the over indulging of his son rather than teaching him is going to leave his son feeling abandoned and cast aside- I meant that in a -let's talk about preparing the boys because we will most likely not be able to be at their calling and with them knowing these simple skills, save them from the shock. He pretty much had only started seeing his son when he was old enough to not be breastfed by the mum and went through court etc. as he had a very bad history and didn't do himself any favours. I appreciate your points of view- yes we have been trying for many years to get to the point where we could blend this family but partner puts him up on a pedestal being vegan where it's very very clear his son is not having nutritional gaps met. I've stepped back completely now and don't say anything- but partner does not put any effort into his food. It's sugar for snacks, baked beans, maple syrup and peanut butter on cereal and tells him custard and icecream are vegan etc. with no respect for him or I. It's been really really hard. it's too much for me to handle. I have already had to explain to my son while alone that I can't let him eat the same way because it's SO unhealthy!
I hear you totally!!!
Jeez it's our job as parents to teach our kids to be able to be as independent as possible.
It's our job to teach them how to feed and get drinks for themselves, and how to dress themselves etc.
it's our job to guide them to make reasonable healthy choices with food.
I think you are totally on different pages parenting wise. Let alone the family stuff etc. if we were talking about 3 year old children then I might feel differently but 7 and 8 year olds should be able to do the things you mentioned for themselves.
There are do many issues here, you need to move out. Get your own littl eplace. Have a baby in a healthy, stressfree environment. If you and him will learn to work on your rwlationship, there is so much that needs fixing its going to take a while and best for it to happen if it can in its own time and you live happily while it does than to be living in misery trying to hold on and dealw ith all the stresses of all the issues daily.
I'm confused how you are a single mum but also have a partner of 5 years? Wouldn't that mean you are in a relationship but have a kid from a previous relationship, not a single mum?
It wasn't acceptable with the way he spoke to you but you did crack it first, why did you crack it? Could you not have approached it in a better manner to stop it from escalating? His style of parenting does sound frustrating but if he only has his son 30% of the time he probably wants to make the most of it and have the son wanting to come back, which I totally understand. Maybe you could try and compromise the situation, maybe suggest leaving the clothes out on the bed so his son can dress himself, leave the cereal and milk out so he can do it himself and so on but still not making him actually do everything just yet. It isn't up to you to lay out the rules on what he does with his son, particularly when you are living under his (family's) roof. I would be really annoyed too if someone came in and tried to change the way I did things in my own home or place of living. I think the contract sounds fair and I would certainly be wanting one in place, it's so you can't claim you are entitled to anything. Just like a prenup and it's a very sensible idea.
Yes first sentence makes no sense.
I was thinking the same! If you have a partner you're not a single mum. Especially if you've been with that partner for 5 years!
So judgmental! I have lived life completely on my own until about 2 months ago when we all moved in!
No one is being judgmental! We're just saying that it doesn't make you a single mum. It's not a bad thing!
No, we have just moved in together for the first time. I lived on my own and paid all bills myself.
We have discussed the compromises and he had agreed, he claimed to understand and he will side with me only when he's had enough of doing everything. Everything is within reach. Everything has been moved around to accomodate the boys. You have to understand how it feels to suddenly have a contract thrown in front of you, partner is also aghast that she would do that- and his dad has just agreed to keep the peace between partner and his sister. This is not a new issue. We have been 'trying' to sort the boys out since we have been together. It's extremely frustrating when everything you say has no weight after all this time- there's a reason why I cracked it. I've just smiled and nodded and done what he's wanted with all the moving and his plans rather than mine over the past 6 months- don't think I'm not patient. I've kept my shit together pretty damn well through this pregnancy having pretty much 0 support from him and having to leave for nights with girlfriends so I can feel some sort of happiness and not be stuck in depression thanks to everything happening around me.
So let's be honest, the problem has nothing to do with an innocent eight year old child who has a bit of attitude, the actual problem is:
You don't feel supported emotionally and physically
You are extremely unhappy with the current living arrangements
Instead of fighting with him about tying up his kids laces and making breakfast, talk to him about your needs. You are feeling unsupported, you need to find a new place to live and he needs to step up his game. You have both lived without a partner for a long time, so you need to work together and discuss your expectations in a rational way. There was bound to be teething problems, you either work through it together or you walk away. If he can't respect and understand how you feel, then what is the point? It's all in the delivery, you need to sit down calmly and discuss what needs to be done. Good luck, I hope you can come to an amicable solution.
Okay so from your previous replies to people such as "is that so hard to understand" etc.. you're obviously in here looking for some sympathy and want us all to wrap you in cotton wool. But we are pointing it out like it is, and yes it is judgemental in a way because you posted on here which opens you up for opinions/judgement. You've given limited information and are then getting defensive when people try and offer advice. I don't really know what more you want?
I don't think pointing out the fact that you AREN'T a single mum is judgemental, it's truth. Yes you've lived alone and paid your own way, but you still had that emotional and physical support unlike a single mother would. It's totally different. If you are so unhappy with the living arrangements, why don't you go back to living on your own? Or why don't you find your own place so that you aren't living with his father? Stop doing things his way and just nodding, you're so used to living independently so you need to embrace that and speak up for yourself.
I am in a similar relationship where we come to an agreement that things will be done a certain way and then it just doesn't happen or after a few weeks it goes back to the old ways. I am also pregnant and not receiving a whole lot of support, but I have just accepted my partner for who he is and I am happy with that. I can see past it all at the end of the day because I love him for who he is. It sounds like you are not, so you need to decide whether you want to stay or go. Is your fear being a single mum again? It's okay for things to not work out like you had planned, just take everything as it comes.
One thing I have found helped was doing some parenting classes (during pregnancy) as they go over emotional support and it has actually helped my partner a fair bit.
My husband was emotionally distant during a majority of my pregnancy with our first born.
He didn't need to 'wake up and man up'. He needed help and support.
He had a child to a previous relationship, and he was scared of becoming attached to another child in case the relationship didn't work out. He didn't want to 'lose' another child.
He was downright unpleasant at times, because he was going through so much without any support. He didn't feel as though he could tell me he didn't feel a connection with our unborn child, because he was scared that would make him a bad father.
It's also quite common for a non custodial parent to 'overdo' it a touch with the parenting. It's to compensate for the fact that they don't have the child as often as they would like. 30% of the time is not a lot. He's probably spoiling his son with sugar because he feels guilty he isn't there more often, or because he doesn't want to say no and risk upsetting the child. The tying of the shoelaces may be an extension from the not wanting to say no, but it could also be because it's a chance for them to bond.
Though there is no excuse for swearing and yelling at someone you care about, there could be many underlying issues. He could be just an asshole, but it could be that there's so much more going on behind closed doors that even you can't see. Take a step back, take a deep breath, and approach the situation again when you're both calm and level headed to decide what your next step together will be.
(My husband instantly fell in love when our first was born, and was extremely supportive and 'connected' to our second child when I was pregnant. Seeing a psychologist still helped us both, though.)
i think noones realising youve just moved in 2 months ago when youre six months pregnant and been together five years.
Move out again. Way too many issues. Issues with him, issues with his child, causing issues for your child. Youre pregnant and miserable and resenting him already. Hes not there for you. Its harder when theyr ein the same house doing nothing for you, actually its enraging, heartbreaking, exhausting. Move out again. Youll be happy.
Im not meaning to judge but if things have been rocky for a while why did you fall pregnant ?! Get some councilling for yourself as well as together. But if you can change the living arrangements asap. Good luck