Hey Sisterhood ,
I'm sure there is a few mums in my situation.
Basically I have a very negative mother who is always angry and upset. She always talks to me like crap and will fly of the handle in front of my children.
I've had to make contact as minimal as possible. She also talks to my children like crap..they are 4 and 1, which is horrible. I grew up in an abusive household where screaming at is kids and belting us with leather straps and stock whips was normal.
I do feel this has shaped me as a parent, that I'm patient, don't hit, I and I'm literally opposite in my parenting. I constantly get told by my mother my kids are naughty and need a good smack and need to be "knocked"into line ( that's how she "dealt" with us out while childhood), she did this in front of my 4 year old the other day and flew of the handle about my daughters and me I'm front of the kids, yelling being nasty and walking out slamming the door. I had to
Grab my kids and go close their bedroom door until she left.
I don't let her babysit as when my oldest was 3 weeks old she watched her while I went to the supermarket...she left her to scream to t"each" her that she shouldn't be held all the time, this broke me. Who does that to a 3 week old.
We are selling our house and moving away from her as I can't have my children being raised around her and her behavior. Extreme but given m childhood it's best for my mental health and my families.
I do feel empathy for her though and feel she needs help. No one can live like that happily. But she just won't help herself.
Lashing out at everyone and always being angry. Even going out for dinner you are on edge how she's going to treat the waitress.
I called her and after her last outburst and asked if she would think about professional help. She said she'll consider it, bit will keep carrying on like this. Can you help someone like this ?
this behaviour is not OK and I can't have it around my children anymore ,I have said that and she's just doesn't see it like I do.
Has anyone with negative / toxic family members had to be this extreme and move away for the sake of their kids. I'm devastated to leave friends but I can't live like this anymore. It's not healthy for my children, and we are leaving everything and everyone else behind because of one person.
5 Replies
Wow, it sounds like you've had quite an upbringing. Good on you for getting the courage to stand up to her though, it sounds like a very crappy situation but you are doing what is best for you and your children. I have family very much the same as your mother, however we have absolutely zero contact now and they are not welcome at our place. If they're at a family event we choose not to go (very, very rarely though as most others feel the same as us) and they live very local to us. We just choose to ignore them when we walk past in the shopping centre or at sporting events. They try and get in our faces but we just be the bigger person and completely ignore them.
Have you tried ceasing complete contact for a while to see if the behaviour changes? Like, not talking to her nor allowing her to see your children? My mum did this with her mother and not once did she try and contact us ever again.. only when she was on her deathbed which was much too late. Is selling and moving away really the best option if you haven't exhausted all other avenues? What would happen if you ignore her calls, texts, stop her from seeing your children?
As a side note, leaving the child to scream is actually an old method, some believe that it opens their lungs up and is good for them. I know women who still do this, but it obviously isn't what works for you so it is a shame that she doesn't respect that. Maybe that is why she did that though :)
That is disgusting behavour. Its not right for not only your kids but for you too hunny. Unfortunately i dont think she will change she probably is one of those people who do nothing wrong and its always someone else? As hard as it is I would cut all contact. When you move do not give her new address dont take her calls and ask other family member not to give any details on you or your family.
I wouldn't pack up and sell my house, move away from all my friends and other support just to get away from her unless there were other motivating factors. I would never give anyone that kind of power over me.
I would cut her off completely, ignore her when she calls, ask her not to come by and whatever else you need to do.
I have not moved away (yet) but I have cut toxic family off. Honestly, I am happier and also less stressed knowing my children will not grow up thinking abuse and harrassment is something to be tolerated "because they're family"
You are doing the right thing mumma.
Do it. My adopted mother is exactly this. I took the opportunity to move interstate and am so glad I did! We will never again stay with her after a particularly disastrous visit. My daughter has never been the same since. On that visit, my son could do no wrong and my daughter, nothing right 😡 She will never get the chance to damage my cchikdren the way she damaged me. Not while I have breath in my body.
She does respond to really firm boundaries though. She was laying into me about not calling her or answering when she calls. I told her that when it comes to conversations on the phone, I have to be in the right frame of mind. I told her I can never be sure how the conversation will go and whether it will be more screaming and arguing or not - that some days I am just not up for it. She didn't call for 6 weeks 😁 Bliss!! Since then she has been a little better behaved 😎